Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Doctor Gore (1973)

DOCTOR GORE directed by J.G Patterson Jr.

Ranked 3.9/10 on IMDB


Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: I'm surprised I had the chance to even view this. It isn't anywhere! The only two people in the world who seem to own it are my father and some guy selling it used on Amazon. And on Amazon, it's fifty dollars! That's more money than DR. GORE'S entire budget!

There's no Wikipedia, no streams, no torrents, and the director died in 1975, the same year when the stone age began.

So anything known about the director J.G is known by few, Herschell Gordon Lewis and Joe are probably the only ones.

Oh wait, Herschell died last year.

Looks like it's just you, Dad.

Joe: Here's what I know.

Back when I was a kid, before Blockbuster homogenized and sanitized the VHS rental business, there were mom and pop video stores that rented crazy rare movies that I'd never heard of.

This is how I discovered John Waters, Russ Meyer, Ruggero Deodato, Lucio Fulci, Umberto Lenzi, Joe D'Amato, Andy Milligan, Doris Wishman, Chang Cheh, and countless other exploitation directors.

To stand out on the store shelf among thousands of other movies, many cult video manufacturers released big box versions. These were twice as bis as the VHS tapes they contained. HG Lewis was one of the big box crowd. Rare horror movies got me to start collecting the magazine Fangoria, which lead to buying books about movies.

(Note to younger readers: books and magazines were bound collections of paper that stores information. This was how you learned stuff before the Internet.)

In some reference book somewhere I read about an unreleased movie called THE BODY SHOP. This was eventually released on VHS, with an intro by HG Lewis, who worked with the director on a few films.

HG Lewis movies are wonderful, and we're going to review many on this blog. But DR. GORE was like an HG Lewis movie with an even smaller budget, poorer acting, and all around worse filmmaking.

Which makes it one of my favorites. I've seen DR. GORE eight times.

Talon: Main Cast include:

J.G Patterson as Dr.Gore: A mad scientist who lost his wife, quests to re-build himself a new more perfect one.

Roy Mehaffey as Greg the hunchback. His main role is to groan meaningless things, wear an earring, chew on a never lit cigar, and be Dr. Gore's lab assistant.

His other role is to sing country songs at bars.

Yeah, I don't know either.

Joe: I'm not sure that's the same actor. Sure looks like him, though.

Talon: And finally a bunch of underpaid women who were forced to make out with J.G Patterson.

I say forced, because the man's head is shaped like a peanut, his eyebrows aren't level with each other, and his comb-over defies physics. It's like a double comb-over. It makes no sense.

Joe: The guy has more moles than the KGB.

Talon: The navy could use his some of his forehead as an aircraft carrier.

Joe: Last time I saw something that wide it had a license plate on it. Seriously, it was like the tailgate of an '82 Bronco.

Talon: With a run-time of 75 minutes, we start off with a thick strand of hair obstructing the bottom of the camera while it films ducks. The movie then fades to different colors like orange and green, and red.

Joe: I'm pretty sure this film didn't get a 4k restoration.

Talon: Finally, when the camera man was done being distracted by cute fuzzy swimming birdies, we view a funeral and J.G, Patterson grieving, or more like plotting his ultimate master plan of constructing the perfect mate! While this happens, the theme song drills my ear canals with its terrible epicness.

Seriously, when this song isn't playing, it's still playing... IN YOUR BRAIN!

It will never leave your head.


So listen to it HERE.

Now we're in Dr. Gore's castle, where you hear lightning sounds but there is no thunderstorm. The footage changes color as well.

Then we're inside in Dr. Gore's lair and we see Greg the hunchback. You can tell he's a hunchback because of the balloon in his sweater. The only thing that happens for a full two minutes is Dr. Gore hanging up his outside jacket, and putting on his lab-coat, all in one take.

I admit. I'm impressed.

Then we see his lab, and it pains me to say this, but ZAAT had a better lab. And it was made two years before this movie.

Joe: I've spent more money at a restaurant than DR. GORE's entire budget. And I'm not even talking about a good restaurant. I'm talking a restaurant where the most expensive menu item is chicken wings.

But DR. GORE does win when it comes to tinfoil.

Talon: Earlier on, Greg and Gore dug up his wife's corpse, which was mostly black footage and Greg sweating, and now she rests on an operating table fully outlined in tinfoil.

Another two minutes is spent putting duct tape on the tinfoil.

Then alligator clips are snapped on precisely on the tinfoil where the woman's nipples are.

Next comes all suspension of scientific disbelief as batteries, roman candles, and sparklers cure death.

They have a ten minute montage of the tinfoil shaking, and someone constantly humming "ohhhhmm" when the electronics turn on. It gets more intense and the tinfoil just catches on fire.

Greg gets ordered to throw her body in the acid bath.

Greg groans and does it.

Then a pretty funny dialog moment, which proves this is the best worst movie ever.

It goes like this.


Dr. Gore says, "Get that, that might be the door. And put on a coat so they don't know you're a hunchback."

Joe: DR. GORE WTF!!!

Talon: Turns out, it was the door, and two delivery arrive with a giant wood box. One of them asks, "What you got a dead body in there?"

Yes, Mr. Delivery Man. He does.

When they leave, inside the box is a dead body with duct tape over her mouth. How they got the woman, and why she needs duct tape over her mouth when she's dead, are both added on to the list of unsolvable questions of the universe.

They put the bunched up woman down on the table and break apart her rigor mortis. The moment they stop, the girl's body snaps up into a sitting position. Greg the hunchback is so startled that he jumps twelve feet high and clings to a pole.

It's his special hunchback powers.

So Gore cuts off the woman's arms using the arm under the table trick, and saves them in a freezer to be put on some other torso.

The next victim has the hands Gore wants. This takes place at a restaurant, or... mostly in front a black screen.

And look! There's Greg? Normal and on stage singing?

Yep. For a full song too.

Joe: IMDB says it is two different actors, Bill Hicks the singer and Roy Maheffey the hunchback, but they sure so look alike. And I can't find any info on either of them anywhere. So, in my reality at least, they're the same guy.

Talon: Gore now suddenly has superpowers and he hypnotizes a woman using the power of widening his eyes. They make out and he poisons and locks her onto his operating table using only one strip of duct tape.

Joe: He's got it all figured out.

Talon: When she can't escape from a single, thin piece of sticky plastic, Gore slices off her hands and throws them into the freezer as well. She passes out from pain and I don't remember what happened to her next.

Gore then gets eyes. Then legs. Then a torso  I think.

Who knows, or cares.

Joe: I care! I care a lot!

Talon: During all this, Greg is drinking cheap booze that he keeps in the body parts fridge, while sweeping up nothing.

And then; two legendary scenes.

A sudden knock at the door while Gore is stitching up body parts. It's footage of a cop talking into a camera from an entirely different setting shot at an entirely different time.

Cop says, "You're not doing anything illegal are you?"

Dr. Gore responds, "No, I'm a doctor."

"Oh, have a nice day."

AMAZING! 10 out of 10!

It gets better! Gore walks down a flight of stairs and the timing of his footstep sounds are so bad it makes you laugh out your nose.

Listen to the song again? HERE.

So Dr. Gore finally creates his soul-mate: A dumb blonde who can speak English, but needs to be taught ABCs and how to love men. Greg is forbidden from seeing her since she'll get attached to any man she sees.

So Gore and the underpaid actress make-out and have romantic picnics. They dance and run across hills and through trees. They hold hands and make-out so more.

And the next scene the blonde stumbles upon Greg sweeping up nothing in the basement. She instantly hugs him because she's brainwashed to love men. Dr. Gore catches them and his insane jealousy makes him throw acid at Greg's face, which makes it look like strawberry jelly.

This was so effective that the lab begins to explode. And as Greg collapses onto the edge of the acid bath, Dr. Gore strikes him right in the hump with an axe, sending him into the bubbling water... I mean acid.

Poor Greg.

How does this movie end?


Because when you don't have enough footage you replay old footage.

So that's what they did, and somehow Dr. Gore ends up in jail, and his wife ends up seducing other men throughout the area.

And the film finally ends with, you guessed it... the main theme song.

You can listen to it again HERE.

First Impressions:

Talon: I love this movie. Being made in the 70s with the budget of a Happy Meal, J.G. Patterson Jr. does a fine job showcasing terrible SFX, terrible acting, terrible writing, terrible sets, terrible sound, terrible music, terrible cinematography, and pretty much everything else. 

Like I said in my Twenty Second Film Review, this movie is underrated. It should be named a classic along the lines of Herschel Gordon Lewis's BLOOD FEAST. But! I wouldn't say it's fifty dollars enjoyable.

Joe: I would pay $50 for this. Hell, yeah.

Talon: DR. GORE didn't make me want to bash my skull into a pile of tacks, or pour sulfuric acid into my corneas. It just made me laugh out loud with its terribleness.

Truly, one of the best worst movies ever.

Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Best use of tin foil ever!"

"Look. Someone lit a roman candle behind the fake equipment."

"Best theme song ever."

"And now we get to watch this underpaid actress make out with this nerdy pervert."

"He cut out her eyes so she can't scream."
"Makes sense."

"That's pretty good make-up."
"No it's not."
"I couldn't do that."
"That doesn't mean it's good."

"How many locks are on that door?"

"See if there's life."
"See if there's a focus knob on the camera"

"This movie is only 75 minutes."
"That's still too long."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: The badly timed dubbing when Dr. Gore walks down the stairs.

Joe: The theme song. Which is an uncredited, unathorized version of My Favorite Things from THE SOUND OF MUSIC, coupled with a Casio organ on repeat and the sugar and spice nursery rhyme.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, it's rare and classic. It's so bad it'll make you laugh.

Joe: Yes. You'll need an espresso and seven beers and two shots. And weed. Hella weed.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes, I have to. It isn't anywhere.

Joe: Yes. This needs a Blu Ray release, pronto.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: I have. The second time was just as enjoyable as the first.

Joe: This should be required viewing for anyone who loves bad movies. This is the Holy Grail.

Talon: Did you see DR. GORE? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Are you made of sugar and spice and everything nice? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, truly one of the worst films ever made, it has attacking birds, it has an epidemic, its... BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR!


Check out our BIRDEMIC post here!!!


Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Leeches (2003)

LEECHES directed by David DeCoteau

Ranked 2.6/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Before I indulge on how gay this movie turned me, I'd like to state that LEECHES was bad for reasons other than the non-stop homoerotic imagery.

Also, I'm now gay.

Joe: I'm pretty sure I am, too. This was a 90 minute barrage of young, hot, muscley twink guys flexing while stroking their own hairless chests.

Talon: Twink?

Joe: Google it. Probably NSFW.

Moving on, I give LEECHES major props for the role reversal. It's about time someone objectified men in a film the same way women have been depicted since, well, film was invented. Slow motion, endless shower scenes, the camera treating these guys like it is caressing every inch of their toned bodies.

But unapologetic queer soft porn aside, LEECHES was terrible.

Or, more on point, LEECHES sucked.

Talon: It sucked a lot. Pun intended.

I can't remember a single scene in the movie where a guy didn't have his shirt off, wasn't half-naked rubbing his chest and marbled abs with soap, wasn't showering with a group of guys, wasn't flexing their arms, wasn't wearing revealing shorts....

Joe: Finding it erotic is nothing to be ashamed of. All men have a curious, experimental stage in their lives. It lasts from age 14, until about 60.

Talon: You want a quick synopsis?

Directed by David DeCoteau, who ha produced and directed over 90 motion pictures in the past twenty-five years. Pretty impressive. But, as the famous saying goes, quantity does not equal quality.

Joe: My first DeCoteau film was CREEPAZOIDS, which I saw when I was 18. Recently, he has completed 90210 SHARK ATTACK and BIGFOOT VS. DB COOPER.

I'm going to have to begin a David DeCoteau film collection, because this man is awesome.

Talon: Main cast includes:

Matthew Twining as... Matthew I guess.

Josh Henderson as Josh.

Stacey Nelson as Stacey.

I'm not even sure how to properly explain the characters since I have no idea who's who, and neither does Wikipedia or IMDB and there's no way in hell I'm watching the movie again.

Joe: Just give the basic rundown. No one is watching this for the plot. They're watching for the young, ripped, hot men in Speedos with gooey, bratwurst-sized leeches slithering over their hairless bodies.

David DeCoteau deserves some sort of award for doing an entirely new kind of movie. And this was 2003, before queer was cool.

Or maybe it was always cool, and I wasn't paying enough attention.

Talon: So there's a swim team and they're all doing steroids. Cue the endless the slow-mo shots of sculpted guys swimming and flexing. And more footage of shirtless men. And then the shirtless men swim and horse around. And then they shower. The plot starts when there's a get together at a pond and shirtless men swim and flex in front of the camera, and when they leave the water, rubber leeches have latched on their shirtless bodies.

Did I mention they were shirtless?

Joe: Really? I had not noticed.

Talon: That's the whole movie! Now the viewers perhaps were too distracted by all the men's hard nipples and perfect butts to pay attention to the barest hint of a plot, but apparently some of the hot guys are taking performance enhancing drugs.

Joe: Viagra?

Talon: The other kind. Steroids. Somewhere in the story--I lost track because of the non-stop barrage of man boob--we discover that they are using, and now its time for the super giant rubber leeches to attack.

Common suspenseful tricks used by the director are:
  • Dragging an inanimate rubber leech across the floor with fishing line. 
  • Showing the leech's steamy, gooey nest. 
  • More rubber things getting dragged by obvious fishing line. 
  • A weird background heartbeat that happens later on when we see shirtless men showering and the viewer is in POV of the jacked-up leeches.
  • Strobe lights, and lots of them.
  • Ripped young beefcake oblivious that rubber leeches are sneaking up, even though they no doubt can see whomever is pulling the fishing line.
Joe: I think the heartbeat sound was the director getting excited.

Talon: When the leeches finally attack it's truly the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

Which means it's awesome.

When the dragged giant leech is finally close enough to suck on the oblivious swimmer, and the viewer hears the director's heartbeat, the once inanimate rubber leech turns into a hand-puppet-leech that gropes the swimmer's body while undulating seductively. It takes a full minute of caressing the firm swimmer's leg before he finally notices, and when he does the shot turns into a back-and-forth of strobe lights, epileptic flashing of the leech's mouth, and the swimmer writhing his half naked body until he dies. From, apparently, a few small wounds.

Joe: Sometimes one leech suddenly turns into three or four.

Talon: Amazing.

And it doesn't stop there. One of the scenes, a guy goes to bed in his tight boxers with his ass propped toward the ceiling.

When I heard the director's heartbeat, I knew exactly what was going to happen next.

Yes. It went there.

Joe: We weren't kidding about the gay thing.

Talon: So after more people die in showers, and the movie continues padding out the running time, one of the guy's girlfriends creates a plan to stop these seizure inducing inanimate rubber leeches.

Joe: I dunno if any of the actors were queer, but I don't recall any of the characters being queer, so they all had girlfriends. Which was harder for me to believe than them being attacked by rubber sausages on strings. These guys were too cute to be straight. And they dressed too well.

Talon:  The few times they were dressed.

Ready for the ending?

They rig a swimming pool to get electrocuted by a switch. One of the shirtless swimmers gets into the pool as bait for the leeches. The plan? The master-baiter is supposed to hop out just in time before a guy and his girlfriend zap the pool.

Joe: Good pun.

This is the point where I suspended disbelief. I accepted the giant leeches on steroids. I accepted the sad special effects. I accepted that the movie prompted me to download Grindr and start looking for bears--

Talon: Bears?

Joe: Google it. NSFW.

But what I couldn't accept is their plan to kill the leeches. The girl goes to a circuit breaker, shuts it off, and then sticks some extension cords into the pool, ready to turn on the juice when the leeches are in there, with apparently no awareness of the whole point of a circuit breaker; it breaks the circuit.

Talon: And that's the part you couldn't accept?

So the ingenious plan is going fine, right when they're about to flip the circuit, the head coach attacks them in unnecessary slow motion.

They kill the coach, yell, "Throw the switch!" and fry the bait guy.

R.I.P, bait guy.

Joe: R.I.P, bait guy.

Talon: Then, twist ending! The supposed cute hero science nerd is actually the one who created the leeches because the script said so.

The end.

Yeah. You just read that.

First Impressions:

Talon: Since we follow are watch it, share it, re-watch it slogan. I’ve shared LEECHES with a dear friend of mine, Dante. We’ve been buddies since Kindergarten and he enjoys movies, good and bad, just as much as the rest of us do.

I’d like to introduce him as our first guest film reviewer.

Dante, tell us some of your first impressions while watching.

Dante: The fact that this came from someone’s head is awesome.

Talon: In what ways? On how brilliant it is?

Dante: While the leeches were attacking the swimmers no one attempted to call the police. Definitely stupid!

Talon: I think if the police were to come, they’d be shirtless and instead of using guns, they’d have spanking devices. “Ooo, I’m gonna have to teach you leeches what happens when you break the law.”

Spank, spank.


Joe: You guys forgot that the cops came at the end. Well, they didn't actually show up, but there were sirens and flashing red and blue lights. And then the two surviving characters, who had those flashing blue and red lights in their faces, made plans to leave the scene of multiple homicides and go sleep together.

Which I've done so many times at homicide scenes that I've lost count. Who wants to talk to cops anyway?

Talon: So, Dante, did you appreciate all the male eye candy the director showed you?

Dante: I couldn’t get enough of all the smooth skinned half naked twinks. I laughed every time a leech jumped four feet onto a victim's face and the actor was clearly holding the leech to their face. Remember when those two creamy white hairless men died and were never brought up again in the film?

Talon: No, I don’t remember. Those leeches sure are dangerous. I’m glad I know their one and only true weakness….

Dante: What’s that?

Talon: Stepping on them. Alright, Dante, one last question and I think this about wraps up our quick interview. Are you--

Dante: Yes, I am gay after watching this majestic movie.

Talon: I’m happy for you, buddy. Thanks for being apart of our review.

Dante: You’re welcome.

Talon: We'll call you when we review another DeCoteau flick.

So, past all half naked men, crummy spfx, leech groping, and a plot that made no sense and that left it hanging for a sequel...

This movie was awesome.

Putting the DVD in, I knew the movie was going to be about giant leeches murdering people, which isn't as insane as it sounds. Think of SHARKNADO for example. But I didn't expect half of it being a gay soft porn film.

Joe: Technically it isn't gay soft porn. There aren't any queer folks making out or having sex. DeCoteau has created his own genre here. It's male cheesecake horror.

Talon: Which is hilarious in a sort of charming way. And the scenes when the giant rubber leeches leap from the ground and attack are also hilarious. So it's like two really stupid things happening in the same movie.

Joe: Everyone knows leeches have a Jordanesque vertical jump.

Rewatching a few scenes to get some quotes, I was struck by two things. First, the acting is actually pretty good. Second, the writing and directing are competent.

What makes this a best worst movie is the low budget, the silly premise, and the in-your-face constant parade of shirtless hairless naked young men.

It's a decently done, yet ridiculous movie. And it's enjoyable as hell.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"I just turned gay."

"So... this is just buff guys gyrating in slow motion?"
"No. Sometimes it isn't slow motion."

"Dude had to flex his pecs before he spoke."
"If I had pecs like that I would, too."

"I hate when I trip over nothing and then giant rubber leeches attack."

"Leeches have strobe lights?"
"I think half the budget was strobe lights."

"Oh look, another guy showering."

"The killer leeches' only weakness is if you step on them."
"That is also my weakness."

"Slowly but surely, the director stripped the scientist's shirt off."

"Hot nerdy science guy has a beaker full of suspiciously familiar white goop and is poking at it."

"Why is his shirt off?"
"You don't know at this point?"

"Best shower scene since PSYCHO."

"This movie saved money on not buying shirts."

"I'm hungry. Up for some bratwurst?"
"Sure. Let me take my shirt off first."

"He died like he lived. Shirtless."

"Damn, I need to hit the gym."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When the thin men had their shirts off.

Joe: It's a tie. When the coach eats one of the giant leeches is epic, or the multiple shots of the egg sack. Which was a bulging, sort of wrinkled sack with two big pulsating balls in it and--I'm not kidding--a few dangling curly hairs.

Subliminal or intentional? You decide.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, I even encourage it if you're a male and prefer the opposite sex.

Joe: Yes. But it'll help if you have four beers and two shots. No espresso needed; this film isn't boring at all.

Dante: Yes. But only if you're in the mood for crazy strobe lights and funny special effects.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes, I have already with Dante. We laughed together. It was fun.

Joe: Yes. I'm now a DeCoteau fan and will seek out more of his work.

Dante: Yes. It was more fun than I thought it would be.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes, in eighty years and my old age has rotted my cerebral cortex and its decision making ability.

Joe: It made me appreciate two things. First, that women must feel like this every time they watch a film where the female leads are only there to be eye candy. Second, I'm glad queer guys can ogle at a horror movie like straight guys have been doing for decades.

Dante: Yes, whenever I am feeling promiscuous.

Talon: Did you see LEECHES? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Are you sexually confused? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, has the best soundtrack ever,  made in the 70's and is one of our favorite bad movies, its... DR. GORE

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

The Room (2003)

THE ROOM directed by Tommy Wiseau

Ranked 3.5/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: I think I'm having a nerdgasm right now.

Tommy Wiseau is a marble-sculpted living legend who directs, produces, writes, and stars in his own movies.

Er, I mean movie. He's only made one so far.

He also has his own underwear company, his own sitcom, and his own production company called Wiseau-Films.

I'm wearing his brand underwear right now. It fits in all the wrong places, and for some reason I want to play catch with a football.

Joe: Fair warning before we get into this blog; I've seen THE ROOM seven times, and I will never watch the Academy Awards again for snubbing Wiseau.

Oh hi, Talon.

Talon: Main Cast are:

Tommy Wiseau as Johnny.

Greg Sestero as Mark. In real life, Greg wrote a book named THE DISASTER ARTIST about Tommy Wiseau and all the insane things he would do on set: Replacing crews. Reshooting a scene until it was perfect in his way. Filming the same scene over and over on different indoor sets. Changing the script multiple times. Constantly forgetting his lines to the point where most of the movie is dubbed. Constant rewrites. Shooting on green screen even though locations were perfectly acceptable (Wiseau insisted that real movies have green screen.)

In THE ROOM, Mark is Johnny's best friend.

We know this is true because they say it a lot, and they play catch and jog together at awkward times like all best friends do.

Joe: They even play catch while jogging together.

Having seen this film so many times, I'm pretty sure Wiseau is either from another planet, or was born in a science lab where he didn't meet any other people until he was forty. I mean this as the highest possible compliment; he approaches filmmaking like someone who is observing the human race for the first time and trying to understand it. There is simply no other writer/actor/director like Wiseau.

Talon: Juliette Danielle as Lisa. Johnny's fiance.

And Philip Haldiman as Denny. Some kid that lives in the same apartment building. His role is to barge into Johnny's home unexpectedly, say how pretty Lisa is, and then say he has to go.

Fun Fact: Every single guy in this movie who talks to Lisa, always compliments how pretty she is.

Joe: Fun Fact #2: Everyone who visits the apartment stays for around a minute and then says they have to go. I'm guessing because Wiseau wanted the scene to be over, and decided it was time for those characters to leave. But it happens so often it becomes surreal.

Oh, hi Talon.

Talon: Oh, hi Joe.

Joe: How about a game of catch?

Talon: It's what people do and it is a lot of fun, but let's get through this blog post first.

With a six million(!) dollar budget and a run time of 99 amazing/agonizing/life-changing/spectacular/ minutes, the film starts off with Johnny coming home from work and giving Lisa a new red dress. Then they're about to make some sweet, sweet belly button love--don't worry I'll explain-- but Denny barges into their house.

Oh hi, Denny.

So Denny wants to watch them make love, which everyone thinks is funny, but he leaves and so begins the best sex scene of all time.

It has it all.

Pillow fights. Johnny humping her belly slowly and passionately. Seriously, dude is going at it about seven inches too high. It's missionary style without the sex part.

Tossing rose pedals on Lisa's boobs.

More anatomically incorrect missionary.

More rose pedals.

Even more pillow fights.

Then it's the morning and Johnny has to go to work.

After seeing Denny several more times to talk about pretty Lisa is, and then seeing Lisa's mom a bunch of times to discuss how Lisa has security with Johnny and she lives a good life, the plot somehow morphs into Lisa not loving Johnny anymore, but loving his best friend, Mark! Holy betrayal! After all, we've been told a zillion times that Mark is Johnny's best friend! And Johnny is so good to Lisa! What's going on?!? Oh my god!

Oh hi, Denny.

Oh hi, Joe.

Joe: Oh, hi Talon. Ha-ha-ha.

Talon: Tommy Wiseau has an amazing laugh. It sounds like a three burst soft cough, and he does it more times than saying "hi Denny."

Oh hi, Joe.


Joe: Ha-ha-ha.

Talon: You really need to hear it. It's like he doesn't know how to act like a human being.

Joe: Another vote for the alien/science experiment hypothesis. He can't act like a person.

Talon: He can't act, period. He's unable to perform the lines he wrote himself.

Joe: And yet, he's probably the only one who could perform the lines he wrote himself.

Talon: So Mark doesn't want to betray his best friend Johnny, but he eventually caves in to Lisa's seductive sex talk. They finally make out on the spiral stair case, while the soundtrack plays "You are my rose, you are my rose, you are my rose" so many times that it will take over your mind for weeks afterward. Then Mark humps her knee.

Both Mark and Johnny can't seem to find the vagina. Maybe that's why Lisa's having these tantrums.

The rest of the movie is:

Lisa seeing Mom.

Lisa seeing Denny, who's now in love with her.

Lisa seeing Mom.

Lisa getting drunk with Johnny on what seems to be scotch and vodka.

Lisa seeing Mom and saying Johnny hit her.

Oh hi, Joe.

Mom saying she has cancer, and it never being mentioned again.

Johnny saying hi to a doggie.

Denny getting accosted by a drug dealer.

Lots of green screen rooftop meetings.

Lots of catch.

This movie is hilarious. After a bunch more sub-plots that never get resolved, bad writing, bad acting, scenes where they play catch with a football.... I'm serious, they all get together and play catch several times. The ending comes down to Lisa sleeping with Mark again and she sleeps with Johnny again. I lied earlier about Johnny's first sex scene being the best.

This is the best one, when Johnny goes for round two. You ready? It went like this.

Pillow fights. Johnny humping her belly slowly and passionately.

Tossing rose pedals on Lisa's boobs.

More missionary.

More rose pedals.

Even more pillow fights.

Joe: This was exactly what the movie needed; another endless sex scene that is almost identical to the previous one.

Talon: Eventually, Johnny gets suspicious about Lisa cheating on him like when he hears Lisa talking how she doesn't love him anymore, and later on Johnny and Lisa are arguing and he yells out the most famous line in the whole movie, "You're tearing me apart, Lisa!"

Joe: Wiseau is a James Dean fan. Oh, hi Talon.

Talon: Oh hi, Joe.


Denny is still being Denny, and at some point there's a sub plot scene where he's involved with buying drugs which is the pinnacle of dramatic conflict.

But I'm sticking with the main plot. So Lisa throws Johnny a surprise birthday party, because that's what you do when you hate your boyfriend and want to leave him for his best friend. At the party Johnny announces he's expecting but that never comes up again. Then the audience finds out through Lisa's friend and some random guy that Lisa lied to Johnny about being pregnant. Then the random guy says the funniest thing I've ever heard.

"I feel like I'm sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off."


Yes, Random Guy, I understand completely that you're feeling that intense about Lisa lying to Johnny, especially when this is your first scene in the movie.

Too funny.

So Mark, being Johnny's best friend, decides to make out with Lisa at the party and Johnny catches him. Then they brawl and it went like this:

Johnny pushes Mark. Then they grab each other by the shoulder and Johnny pushes him again and says, "Do not touch me mahdder foccker!"

And now, for the grand finale. The party is over, Lisa and Johnny are fighting. She calls Mark and he doesn't want to be Johnny's friend anymore. He only wants Lisa. So she leaves and Johnny has his climactic angsty breakdown.

Destroying mirrors. Messing up the bed. Knocking off picture frames. Opening drawers and dumping out clothes. He calms down a bit, and rests on the floor where he finds the red dress he bought Lisa in the beginning. Smelling it, he then rubs his crotch with the fabric and groans with resentment. Then screams, "Why! Why did this happen to me? Why! Why Lisa."

After ripping the dress, the movie only has a few minutes left. It has all built up to this very moment.

Johnny opens a jewelry box and reveals... a handgun.

After yelling more "Why Lisa. Why!" Johnny puts the gun in his mouth and shoots himself. Then Lisa and Mark gather round his body asking if he's dead after shooting himself in the head.

Best Worst Movie Ever.

The end.

First Impressions:

Talon: This movie amazed me in a bad way. I've seen this twice before we created this blog, and each time I was still shell-shocked on how Tommy Wiseau spent six million to create this terrible film. This drama had me laughing like it was a comedy. Tommy's even said his one of his inspirations is Alfred Hitchcock.

I definitely got the same vibe from THE ROOM as I did with PSYCHO.

So that's why Tommy's one of my favorite directors and its why I bought his Tommy Wiseau underwear. Wearing it everyday has improved my life. I laugh like him. I play catch. I have a best friend named Mark and we go jogging together. While playing catch.

Joe: Oh, hi Mark.

Talon: Alright, in all seriousness

I feel like I'm sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off.

This movie isn't good. It didn't make me want to punch the TV like JAWS 4 did, or fall asleep like ZAAT. I had a fun time viewing it alone, and with friends and family. Treat it like its a Rocky Horror Picture show and it's hilarious.

Even with the worst thing ever created, people have found a way to wring joy outta it.


Joe: THE ROOM has ROCKY HORROR type screenings around the country on a continuous basis, and Wiseau sometimes attends and answers questions. I haven't gone to one of these yet, but it's on my bucket list.

There has never been another movie like this. It will blow you mind.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Oh, hi Denny."

"How come you and I never played catch like that?"
"You're right. I failed as a parent."

"Yeah, that's how you record a phone line. With a cassette tape."
"What the hell is a cassette tape?"

"You're tearing me apart, Lisa!"
"Oh hi, Denny."

"What country is Wiseau from?"
"Alpha centauri."

"Oh, hi doggie."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: There's a lot, but I'm going with the second Johnny and Lisa sex scene.

Joe: The rooftop scene where they confront Denny about his drug problem.

Watch it? 

Talon: Absolutely. I've seen it twice. Each time just as hilarious.

Joe: Yes. You won't need any espresso, and this movie can even be enjoyed without any beer. Which is a first for this blog.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes, my pet fish Larry liked it. Along with my friends. We quote it to each other all the time.

Joe: Yes. But you don't have a pet fish. If you did, you'd need to name him Tommy. Or Johnny. Or Denny. Or Doggie. Back to the point; everyone in the world needs to see this movie.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes, I would watch again with anyone who hasn't seen it.

Joe: I think I'm going to watch it right now...

Talon: Did you see THE ROOM? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? What could you do with six million dollars? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, they suck literally and figuratively, they're giant, it should be classified as soft gay porn, it's... LEECHES!