Sunday, March 26, 2017

Birdemic 2 (2013)

BIRDEMIC directed by James Nguyen

Ranked 1.7/10 on IMDB


BUY THIS MOVIE!
or
RENT THIS MOVIE!

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Is this real life? Someone slap me silly because it seems like BIRDEMIC has a sequel. 

And it has the same cast?

The same director?

The SAME budget?

And, oh my god! Damien Carter is back! Hell yeah!

Directed by James Nguyen, a fifty year old Vietnamese man who believes BIRDEMIC was a hit because of its great plot, solid acting, and good special effects.  

I agree with James...

He really does say he's fifty years old. 

What a legend. 

Joe: They broke the mold when they made James. Then hunted down and shot the folks who made the mold. He will never be replicated.

Talon: Main Cast includes:

Alan Barg as Rod. In the first one he was a software salesman and a bad actor. In this one, he's a Silicon Valley entrepreneur and still a bad actor. What has Rod created to change the world? Is it something to do with stopping global warming?

Nope.  

He's just rich because the script said so. 

I wish that could happen to me. Wait... Duh! I'll just write it down. 

Talon Konrath is universally famous and a trillionaire. He also has a 58 inch penis. 

WOW! It really worked!

Joe: Talon! You've been bitten by an anaconda in your groinal area!

Oh, wait. That's just your 58 inch penis.

Hey, can I borrow some money?

Talon: No.

Whitney Moore as Nathalie. She's Rod's wife, and the only good actor in the movie.

Joe: I dunno who reps her, but based on her talent and screen presence, she should be getting major roles.

The rest of the cast... not so much. But lest I sound like a hater, BIRDEMIC 2 does, indeed, have the perfect ensemble cast, and everyone is great in their roles.

If that sounds contradictory, it's because you're a very smart idiot.

Talon: Being a smart idiot is contradictory. Wait... I see what you did there.

Joe: Your penis just ate a capybara.

Talon: Thomas Favaloro as Bill. He's an independent film director looking for female leads in his new movie, Sunset Dreams, a title that doesn't even make sense. Bill also spends a lot of time info-dumping about how he thinks Hollywood works and telling women they have talent and beauty. He's anything but a director. 

Joe: Says the guy who has never directed anything.

Talon: Hey! I have a YouTube channel. I've directed a few short things.

Joe: Your point?

Talon: I think you're talented and beautiful.

Joe: Hollywood is going to love you.

Talon: If you want to create a drinking game, drink every time Bill says talent or beauty. You'll fill your stomach up to your esophagus with booze.   

Chelsea Tunbo as Gloria. She's a struggling actress, and Bill's waitress. Then she becomes the star in Sunset Dreams because plot.

Joe: She was born to be a star, all that talent and beauty.

Talon: And Damien Carter as Damien Carter. In the last film, he was just hanging out. Hanging out. Hanging with his family. Having himself a party. This film, he has another great song. And yes. The whole cast dances to it for a full three minutes.

It's actually awesome. How can you not have a good time around Damien Carter? 

I found the link for it HERE.

Do yourself a favor and listen to it. And then dance like you've never danced before. 

The plot of BIRDEMIC 2 kicks off with a stunning scene. I haven't seen anything so creative before. We watch an entire five minutes of Bill walking unnaturally slow on the sidewalk in L.A. to an endless credit sequence, bad footstep dubbing, and and annoying looping soundtrack.

Joe: The actor has the easiest job in the world and he's still terrible. 

Talon: Hold on a second...

I think I'm having deja vu.

I think I'm having deja vu.

I think I'm having deja vu.

Wait, I'm think...

THIS IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE FIRST MOVIE.

Only Rod is sitting in traffic in his infamous blue Mustang that gets 100 mpg!

Joe: Nguyen knew he shouldn't mess with a formula that worked, so he used the same story beats as with part 1. You don't reinvent the wheel, man.

Talon: Bill finally makes it to The Happy Ending Bar and Restaurant. Gets seated, and then we're watching him order food. 

Then, another establishing shot of The Happy Ending Bar and Restaurant.   

And I wonder what happens next?

In the first one, Rod thought he recognized Nathalie.  

This one? Yep. Same thing. Bill thinks he recognizes Gloria. They talk about stuff, Bill weirdly checks her out, Gloria says she's an actress, Bill weirdly comes on to her, blah blah blah. Then, a third establishing shot of The Happy Ending Bar and Restaurant and Rod and Nathalie make their appearance. 

Why are Rod and Nathalie there?

Because plot.

So after Rod and Nathalie greet Bill. The two bad actors end up having most of the dialog while Nathalie patiently sits there. Bill talks about Sunset Dreams. Great, now we're watching a bad movie about someone who is talking about directing a bad movie. Then they trash talk Hollywood because it's all about indie directors making their way to the top.

Ahh. I see what you're doing James Nguyen. You're an indie director who wants to make it to the top.

Aw, I could just pinch his little cheeks.

Joe: Don't condescend to All Mighty King Nguyen.

Your penis just ate caiman.

Talon: Then they talk more about Hollywood, and Nathalie lands a role in Sunset Dreams after Rod gives Bill a check for one million dollars.

Looks like Bill caught the big fish today!

I'm glad Rod and Nathalie decided to show up to that restaurant and sit with Bill there, otherwise this movie wouldn't exist.

The scenes ends and then, uh oh! Bill is watching foreshadowing news.

Around this time in the first movie. Rod was watching foreshadowing news.

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

Instead of the female reporter talking about birds spontaneously dying on the highway, red rain is the new culprit. It's bad and scary because it's red.

Next scene, Bill runs into Gloria the aspiring actress on the sidewalk. Similar to Rod chasing Nathalie in the first film. And right when she was about to leave California. How convenient! Then, using his magical powers of calling her beautiful and talented (and offering her a 1000 dollars) Bill has another lead role for his movie.

Kill me now. With a poisonous stick. And fire. While being tortured.

Then Rod and Bill go to Hollywood producers to get an investment of one million dollars.

What?

So much for being indie. And so much for Rod's one million dollars.

Joe: Sunset Dreams was too big a project for only one million. They needed two million to bring all the Sturm und Drang to the screen.

Google it.

Talon: More bad acting, bad plot, bad writing, bad cinematography, bad badness, later. Bill's waitress, Gloria, is now the lead role in Sunset Dreams. They go on a date and talk the same things about Hollywood they've discussed earlier.

Only twenty minutes in and I want to swallow a handful of rusty fishing hooks to distract from my cluster headache.

Ready for some gripping dialog?

Gloria and Bill are still on their date at some Vietnamese restaurant. The ambient music is way too loud to hear them, except for sporadic infodumping.

Gloria nodding her head: "Wow, thank you so much for helping me with my movie career. And thank you so much for not letting me get on that bus."

Bill: "Well I had to! After seeing thousands of head shots and hundreds of auditions. Then I saw you. Talent. Beauty and grace all mixed into one. I'm gonna help make you a movie star.

Gloria: "What can I do to ever repay you for ever helping me out with my movie career?"

Bill creepily smiles. "Oh, a lot!"

Gloria: "Like what?"

BANG! Que montage of Bill driving Gloria in his convertible to a generic 80's workout song.

Alright, alright, I'll admit it. I wasn't impressed at all.

So after a couple minutes of them driving, which I was hoping a movie called BIRDEMIC had more of, they end up at a carnival by the beach. They walk around while blurred-out people and blurred-out advertisements appear in the background.

Joe: The perils of filming without permits and signed releases.

I freaking LOVE this movie.

Talon: After that very epic important side plot that had no conclusion whatsoever, we're back to the main story. The couple head to the beach and surprise, they run into Rod and Nathalie. At this point, James Nguyen is either completely incapable of logic, or he's a brilliant mastermind using clever plot devices and hints that our heroes aren't human. They're aliens capable of telepathy. It's perfect, because it explains the bad acting and the inability to behave like a normal human beings.

Then, seriously, the most epic scene I have ever witnessed in my entire existence. I've yet to fully understand its purpose.

The camera abruptly cuts to half a women's legs fake swimming in front of a green screen. It looks so bad you can't help but laugh at it. Suspenseful music builds, and I have no idea what's about to happen.

BOOM! THEN THE BAD CGI GIANT JUMBO JELLYFISH ATTACKS!

And by attacking, it just floats around the fake swimming legs.

I squirted milk out my nose. And I wasn't even drinking milk. Is this Birdemic or Jellyfishdemic?

The scene ends and a blonde gets outta of the water and encounters Rod, Bill, and Gloria. Nathalie disappeared somewhere. Hopefully off auditioning for something good.

The poor attacked swimmer lays on the beach, in pain. Gloria is by her side.

Swimmer: "Help. Help. Something stung me."

Gloria: "What stung you? What stung you?"

Swimmer: "Something stung me."

Bill: "What stung you?"

Swimmer: "A jellyfish."

Gloria: "A jellyfish?"

Swimmer: "Yes! A giant jumbo jellyfish."

Rod: "Call 911."

Gloria calls. "Hello my friend needs help."

Operator: "What happened to her?"

Gloria: "I don't know. Something about a giant jumbo jellyfish."

Then she gets taken away in a CGI ambulance.

Joe: I'm a pretty good writer. I couldn't write better than this.

Talon: Agreed.

Joe: Hey now!

Talon: My brain can't even process what happened.

Now the gang walks into a museum. Then the kid Rod saved from the first one is suddenly with them and they're looking at bird fossils.

Uh oh, the director is foreshadowing again...

Then the kid says, "I wish my sister could be here to see this bird skeleton, but she got a disease from the bird my mom cooked."

WTF.

I'll just pretend I never heard that.

Then we meet a professor who infodumps about bird fossils and cavemen being trapped in a tar pit. After the caveman flashback(!) where they got attacked by CGI birds while they were humping, the professor proudly goes back to his infodump.

I don't know what's worse. Writing about Birdemic or watching Birdemic. Seriously. You wonder why it's been two weeks since our last blog post? BIRDEMIC 2 IS WHY!  I DON'T HAVE MUCH MORE TO GIVE. ALL IT DOES IS TAKE AND TAKE AND TAKE.

Pardon my mental breakdown. That's something you should expect to deal with whenever you're viewing anything by James Nguyen.

Joe: He's got two more movies. I own them both. We'll watch them soon.

Talon: Back to the movie, where we have a solid fifty minutes to go. They're at diner and the only funny line worth writing about is when Nathalie says:

"Hey guys. By coincidence my mom is staying here at Catalina Islands. Do you mind if she stops by?"

Rod: "No, I love your mother."

Nathalie's mom appears.

"Oh hey mom."

WTF.

I'm telling you this alien telepathy thing must be real.

Next? Oh hells yeah its a Damien Carter song. The guy is so amazing his own voice produces back up vocals. The song is awesome, and the dancing is awesome. Nuff said.

Listen to it again HERE.

Alright, I think it's time to sum the rest of the movie up in a paragraph. Take a deep breath. Ready?

Bill and Gloria get it on at a motel. The red rain falls and all the birds and cavemen are resurrected. Who could've predicted this horrific event? The birds attack on the set of Sunset Dreams. Clothes hangers are the human's only defense. Security comes in and fires exactly 70 shots from two handguns without ever reloading. There's boobs. Next, they rescue two people. Will the screenwriter and Jessica. Now they're at the Jaws set at Universal studios and they all break the forth wall about creating a franchise movie hit about birds killing people.

Ok. Stop. When they did that. I lost my shit.

Alright we're back. They find an RV and film it driving for about ten minutes before any conflict happens, and someone's black hair is on the lens the whole time. They decide to take a shortcut through a cemetery and zombies attack them.

WTF? Yes. Zombies attack them, and Jessica dies.

It was actually kinda cool.

The movie also had multiple moments where they check a dead person's heart beat. Then Rod says, "She's dead. Let's go."

Will dies. "He's dead. Let's go."

They meet the same hippie from the first movie, who lectures us about being greener in the world. They all drink sodas which magically change next shot. And finally the birds leave.

Slowly fading into the distance.

Very slowly fading into the distance.

Very very very slowly fading into the distance.

Very very very very very very very very slowly fading into the distance.

The end.

YEAH I DON'T KNOW EITHER.

First Impressions: 

Talon: Unlike the rest of my bad movie experiences, where I'm innocently stumbling upon a film that makes me want to die instantly, this one I purposely wanted to see, and it still made me want to die instantly. I had to shut it off and finish it another day. Around 40 minutes in, the heroes broke the fourth wall and began discussing making a BIRDEMIC movie while they're being attacked by CGI beaks with wings. It was just too good for me to handle. I needed to pause it and savor how this movie went from a 10 to an 11.

I've also noticed this had the same outline as the first BIRDEMIC. Here's some examples. They replaced Rod's pointless traffic driving with Bill's pointless traffic walking. Rod mis-remembers Nathalie. Bill mis-remembers Gloria. Both had a foreshadowing news event around the same time. Both talked about subjects they knew nothing about: First one, global warming. Second one, Hollywood. Rod and Nathalie went to the fair around the same time Bill and Gloria went to a fair.

The first one had no scene comparable to the giant jumbo jelly fish, though. Which was the greatest monster attack scene since Alien. Since Jaws. Since Tremors.

Joe: Since the Care Bears Movie.

Talon: Seriously, if I were swimming in the ocean and I saw that CGI giant jumbo jellyfish and it bounced off me like it did in the movie... I'd probably just get out of the water and be fine.

But c'mon, when my virgin eyes viewed that life-changing scene, I knew this was one of the best worst movies ever. A game changer for cinema history.

Birdemic? Or Giant Jumbo Jellyfishdemic?

You decide.

Joe: Giant Jumbo Jellyfishdemic? Just take my money. Take it all.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"There's a hotel up there. Maybe they have some gas?"
"WHAT?"

"She's dead, let's go."
"He's dead, let's go."

"They're fighting zombies?!"
"Birdemic? Jellyfishdemic? Zombiedemic?"
"That's the trifecta."

"The camera's person's hair is in the shot."
"They should have cut that hair."
"Was that a pun?"
"Yes. Yes it was."

"Cool. I was hoping they drove a while longer."

"I swear this is worse than the first one."
"That takes commitment."

"Twenty-four minutes in and nothing has happened."

"Has the director ever seen a movie? Or a gun?"

"She's dead, let's go."

"Clothes hangers are the birds Kryptonite."

"Whenever sex in a motel happens, you know the birds are about to attack."

"He's dead let's go."

"Oh no. The director is foreshadowing again."

"At least it has some gratuitous nudity."

"Wow this movie was terrible."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: Definitely when the giant jumbo jelly fish attacked.

Joe: The ending. It is even less of a climax than the first film, which is staggering.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, it's an exercise in frustration, but there's a lot of hilarious moments.

Joe: Yes. I suggest two espressos, four beers, two shots, and Vicodin. Lots.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. Anyone who can tolerate this with you is a friend for life.

Joe: Yes. Everyone needs to watch this. Don't worry if you haven't seen Part 1; the director is so good he brings you up to speed immediately.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: I've seen it twice. IT'S EPIC.

Joe: Yes. Four times so far. It has become my new hobby.

Talon: Did you see BIRDEMIC 2? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Did you wait too long for this blog post? Post in the comments!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, it has
mildew, its from a planet, its cheap as hell but actually a decent movie, it's THE MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER!


MOVIES WE'VE REVIEWED

Monday, March 6, 2017

Birdemic (2010)

BIRDEMIC directed by James Nguyen

Ranked 1.8/10 on IMDB

or

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?


Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Forget every other blog post we wrote. And forget every movie you've ever seen. This one tops them all. No questions asked.

Joe: I have questions.

Talon: I said no questions asked!

Directed, produced, and written by James Nguyen, a fifty year old Vietnamese filmmaker who thinks his movies are comparable to Alfred Hitchcock's.

Well, he's right.

I'd watch BIRDEMIC over PSYCHO any day of the week. You think I'm joking, but this movie is so traumatizing the only way to deal with your conflicted emotions and self-worth is to hail before BIDERMIC!

Hail before the shock!

Hail before the terror!

Hail...okay fine, this is the worst movie I've ever seen.

Joe: It may also be the worst movie I've ever seen more than four times.

I've actually watched it four times.

Each time I watch it, it gets a little worse, and a little more fun. It is everything the Best Worst Movie Blog stands for; awful films that entertain.

Talon: Main Cast Includes:

Alan Bagh as Rod: A young software salesman who sells so much software that he plans on doing something with the environment.

Whitney Moore as Nathalie: A fashion model who becomes a Victoria's Secret model.

Adam Sessay as Ramsey. I think he's Rod's co-worker. Who knows, or cares.

And the most important role, Damien Carter as the night club singer.

Listen to his amazing song HERE

He's just hanging out.

Hanging out.

Hanging out with the family.

Having himself a party.

Joe: Best. Song. Ever.

Talon: The movie starts off incredibly: a credit sequence with the camera following a blue Mustang, driving down the road, for a full four minutes.

Joe: It feels like at least ten. And the soundtrack doesn't help.

Talon: It's a instrumental track that lasts about thirty seconds and keeps getting looped over and over until you want to go deaf.

The director claims this a romantic horror film. I don't agree with the romantic part, but the horror part is spot it. One of my greatest fears is watching a movie about a blue Mustang, driving down the road. I nearly chewed my hand off from all the anxiety. There's just too many scary things that could happen. Like stopping, and going.

That's all I got.

Then Rod finally parks, and the passionate romance kicks in.

It takes more than a dozen edits for Rod to leave the car and get inside the restaurant he parked next to. Then he meets a waitress who can't act to save her life.

Joe: My guess; she was an actual waitress.

Talon: Then we watch Nathalie cut the same piece of food for about forty seconds as Rod creepily watches her.

When she leaves, there's bad footsteps sound FX, and Rob follows her out.

Then the romance begins.

They have this awkward dialog about Rod recognizing her from school and other crap, and while Nathalie can act, Rod can't. The guy speaks like he's never talked to another human in his life.

Joe: I don't blame the actor. The dialog is really badly written, and I watched the commentary and supplements. If memory serves, the director made the actors read line for line.

I'm guessing Rod did his best with what he had.

Talon: Then she leaves and Rod watches her walk away. The scene doesn't cut, we just view the back of his head for thirty seconds. I could tell by his particular set of neck hairs the romantic tension Rod was feeling. So he runs after her, and asks her on a date. They exchange business cards and boom! Now this movie is a romantic horror, just like the director claimed.

Sorta...

Next? Foreshadowing. We watch Rod watch the news. And how they set this up is the most brilliant thing I've ever seen. It's a regular TV, with a green screen on it, but they shot the news footage on a separate green screen, and on that set has another TV using a green screen. Then they explain global warming and how a bunch of birds have died on a highway.

I guess that's how global warming works.

Back to the plot. This is an important scene. Rod is back to driving his blue Mustang. And he stops for gas! Then we wait for him to fill up!

Then... he's back in traffic!

Joe: Well, the director had to use that footage. He didn't want to waste videotape.

Talon: Seriously! We are watching him drive on the highway! The horror! The true horror!

I'm not even sure what part I'm feeling: The shock? Or the terror?

Joe: I felt both shock and terror, that I spent $25 on the Blu Ray.

Talon: There's no narration, or the slightest clue where Rod is heading to. Is it his date with Nathalie? Is it to the Arctic to stop climate change? Is it toward the director at 70 MPH?

Ha, I wish.

So, he's at his job, in a cubical talking to someone who talks faster than Usain Bolt can run a hundred meter, and he ends up selling some software for one million dollars!

I take back everything bad I've said about Rod. This guy is a legend.

Even his co-worker is impressed.

Then it cuts to Nathalie's job. Where she's a fashion model, and in the background is a crummy version of the song Photograph by A Flock of Seagulls. It's so close you can sing the lyrics along to the melody.

Joe: I'm truly sad I can't buy the score anywhere. It is, truly, the worst movie score of all time.

Talon: Since Rod sold a million dollars worth of whatever, he can just leave work and go back to his blue Mustang. This time, before driving, he decides to call his old class mate Nathalie. She's coincidentally off of work too. Rod awkwardly invites her to a Vietnamese restaurant he never told her the name of and she accepts.

I lied before. Now the romance truly begins.

Bow chicka wow wow.

Oh wait. It doesn't. It skips to Rod playing basketball outside with his coworker, Ramsey. Neither Rod or his co-worker looked like they ever played basketball in their lives. After dribbling for thirty seconds. then sweating, they talk about the hot weather. This is another foreshadowing example cleverly inserted by the writer. (No, it's not.) Then Rod brings up Nathalie. I'll just write the dialog for you, because it's hilarious.

Rod: "I met this girl Nathalie over the weekend."

Ramsey: "Good for you. Is she hot?"

"Yeah, fashion model."

"Lucky you, man"

"Yeah, we're going out this weekend."

"Hope you score with her, man."

"Is that all you ever think about is sex?"

Ramsey thinks about it, then nods.

Rod: "Anyways, we're just gonna go to lunch. Just talk. Get to know each other."

Ramsey shakes his head, then dry humps the air. "A day without sex is a day wasted, man."

"I'll let you know how it goes."

Wow. I laughed so hard.

So now! Finally! The date is going to begin.

Oh wait. Rod is watching the news about forest fires.

Then Rod is buying solar panels for his house.

Then I'm getting a sprinting start and jumping off a cliff.

Joe: That solar panel scene was completely essential to the plot. (No, it wasn't.)

Talon: I'd have more fun punching myself in the face for 90 minutes then watching this movie again.

And we're only sixteen minutes in! Seriously!

Amazing.

Best worst movie ever!

Joe: You need to see it again. It becomes a transcendental experience. This isn't like The Room, or Rocky Horror, where you can wait for your favorite scenes, quote lines, and talk to the screen.

In Birdemic, there are no favorite scenes. And the only audience participation part is the Damien Carter's song.

But still, you should watch it again.

Talon: I've seen it three times.

Joe: That's what I said. You should watch it again.

Talon: So, finally! The romance begins! Rod meets Nathalie at the restaurant he never told her the name of and they have their first date.The scene is so epicly bad that I can't even properly describe it. Rod goes from being a self-absorbed robot and a pervert in only a couple sentences. It's hilarious.

So, a movie called BIRDEMIC, is so far about: selling software, global warming, buying solar panels, and going on dates. Nothing about birds, or an epidemic, let alone the combination of those two words.

So blah blah blah, Rod gets some money, he said he's going to retire, and he says his Mustang gets 100 mpg, but we still watched him get gas after about twenty minutes of driving in traffic. Then he says he's starting a green company. So much for retiring.

Oh, I get it! The director is showing how green and earth friendly Rod is. And how he's going to be the hero when the world goes to crap. Wow. Amazing. Now I really care about him. ( I don't.)

Then Rod and Nathalie go on another date where the only thing they do is walk around a fair. It's so pointless that I came to the conclusion that my life is pointless, too. Then they go to the beach, and stumble upon a dead horrible rendered CGI bird. It looks like a pile of brown cubes.

Atari 2600 games had better graphics.

Nathalie, eager to help it, gets stopped by Rod.

"Stop! It could be infectious!"

Really? This movie is infectious toward my brain I.Q. Which is now so broken... I foeget how to spall whords.

Movey then goes bad-bad.

Me, Talon no likey. Me, Talon, want to bash hed against rock.

More pointless crap, bad writing, bad editing, and bad acting later, the third best scene of the movie happens.

Quick reminder: We are now 40 minutes in.

They go to a night club and awkwardly dance to legendary Damien Carter's song.

You should listen to it again HERE

He's just hanging out.

Hanging out.

Hanging out with his family.

Having himself a party.

Have to admit. My family sings this song whenever we are hanging out, and having a party.

Joe: And this is not a quick scene of Rod and Nathalie dancing, to build romantic tension. It's the whole song.

Try to imagine a beloved horror movie. ALIEN. THE BIRDS. HALLOWEEN. And then, move than a half hour into it, the plot comes to a complete stop so we can watch the two leads dance for four minutes.

Impossible to believe?

Well, if you want to see that happen in BIRDEMIC... you can't! Because the plot didn't come to a complete stop. Because there was no plot.

Awesome.

Talon: Alright, forget all the times I said the romance started. It begins here. Right here. Right now.

For whatever reason,when they want to get it on, they stay at a crappy motel and neither of their houses. Then, Nathalie changes into her lingerie, and Rod awkwardly stares, while wearing his tank top. Then they get busy. They make out. They do foot stuff for an uncomfortably long time, And just when you think there might actually be something graphic that happens, the scenes fades to the morning after.

Yeah, I lied again. This movie doesn't really have romance.

Suddenly, the movie's pace slows down. We don't know what happened with Nathalie and Rod, we're just viewing panoramic shots of various outdoor settings. Everything is nice and calm. The sun is shinning. Boats are docked. There's barely any traffic. The director apparently hired a crane, because we have an unnecessary crane shot. It's all peaceful and quiet and normal in Anytown, USA.

THEN OUTTA NOWHERE THE CGI EAGLES ATTACK!

THEY'RE SPITTING ACID! THEY'RE SQUAWKING LIKE SEAGULLS! THEY MAKE ZOOMING PLANE SOUNDS WHEN THEY DIVE INTO THE GROUND AND EXPLODE!

AND NOW THEY'RE ATTACKING THE MOTEL OUR TWO LOVERS ARE STAYING AT!

THE SHOCK!

THE TERROR!

IT'S A BIRDEMIC!

I GIVE UP.

Joe: Here's the thing; this isn't just the worst CGI you've ever seen, it's the worst CGI that's also badly done. The birds stick to one spot, hovering there full-frontal while slowly flapping their wings tips. It's like those Halloween stickers they put on windows, except some of those stickers actually look real.

This alone is worth a full hour of nothing happening. If you hired twenty of the best comedy writers on the planet, and had a 100 million dollar budget, they couldn't make something funnier than this scene.

And it isn't supposed to be funny. It's supposed to be SHOCK and TERROR.

It's wonderful.

Talon: What it comes down to is: this is the greatest thing I've ever witnessed. No B.S. I take back all the smack talk I've said about this movie. There's clearly an epidemic of dangerous birds that float in the air without flapping their wings.

And. incredibly, it gets better.

Oh no! Their phone doesn't work! Oh no! The birds are breaking through the window! (They're not really.)

So they block the window with their bed, wait forever until the camera cuts, and now they can leave the motel and barge into someone else's motel. Inside is another terrified couple.

Rod claims the birds were attacking all night, and they can't escape because he lost his car keys.

WTF?

Even Nathalie is laughing at the stupidity.

Joe: Whitney Moore deserves a wheelbarrow full of awards for her performance. She gives her all.

Talon: The other couple say they have a van, but before they go outside they need something to protect themselves.

Okay! Now this movie is thinking. What are they going to use? Maybe tennis rackets? Take apart the bed frame? Does one of them have a gun?

Nope.

Clothes hangers. They use clothes hangers.

And now the actors are by their van swiping the air at nothing while the floating CGI birds attack by not really attacking.

It's the funniest thing I've ever seen.

This must be the more TERROR part of the movie.

Joe: I also experienced SHOCK. Plus, I learned something. In the event of an emergency, grab the coat hangers.

Talon: The gang barely escape with their dignity and finally make it inside the van. And inside the van is a bunch of weapons. Well, I'm glad they swiped at the air with clothes hangers for two minutes before they couple open the van and start shooting.

Joe: Toy guns, with CGI muzzle flashes actually are the best looking special effect in the movie.

Talon: Then they rescue two kids off the side of the road after their parents got slaughtered by the birds.. But even having a machine gun and pistol that never have to reload, it's still tough to kill the birds.

Then they raid a grocery store, kill some more birds, and then have a picnic outside by the beach?

WTF?

Then we meet a old scientist guy who infodumps and tells us the whole theme to the story.

Spoiler: global warming is bad.

Who could have seen it coming?!?

Back to the van. They travel and then stop. The other dude asks, "Where's Becky?"

Rod replies. "She's taking a shit."

Too damn funny.

Then Becky dies.

This is the SHOCK part, instead of the TERROR, I think.

Joe: I also experienced TERROR.

You forgot one of the best scenes, where they try to rescue some people on a bus, and the birds can suddenly spit acid.

Which, as we all know, is something Al Gore warned us would happen.

Talon: Alright, here comes the amazing ending all wrapped up in a paragraph.

Ready?

So they get robbed of gas, but get it back. Go into a forest. Meet a hippie. Leave the forest as it burns. Find Rod's co-worker dead. Go back to the beach. Rod goes fishing because everyone is hungry. The kids play catch. Rod catches a frozen fish that looks like it was just bought at the grocery store. The birds attack. Then some CGI white birds attack the eagles and then the eagles leave.

The end.

Yeah. I don't know either.

The only thing that can help you redeem your confused emotions is listening to Damien Carter's song again HERE.

Joe: He's hanging out hanging out.

Hanging out with his family.

Having himself a party.

First Impressions:

Talon: My third time seeing it is just as priceless as the first. There's life before BIRDEMIC, and life after it. Life is definitely better after seeing it. Even me describing it detail-by-detail isn't going to help you visualize the true amazingness the movie really is.

Alfred Hitchcock who?

James Nguyen has some sort of special mind-blowing power. He turned ten thousand dollars into something worth millions, billions, maybe even zillions. Who knows?

Anyone hating on this movie isn't a movie lover. They're simply a hater. They don't understand the true thought, the intelligence, the brilliant writing, behind it.

Joe: A lot of people compare this to THE ROOM. But where Wiseau is like an alien trying to understand human interactions and make a movie about them, Nguyen is like a film student who has only the barest idea of what makes good movies work. But his lack of any sort of clue is made up for by sheer determination. There are so many things that just don't work. Soundtrack, SPFX, acting, editing, writing, dialog, story... it's like watching a slow motion car wreck. Even so, he made his movie his way, dammit. And bravo to him. BIRDEMIC is awesome.

Talon: I enjoyed this movie. It made me laugh, and if it makes me laugh its a win in my book!

Best worst movie ever!

Joe: It's Top 5 All Time for sure.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"And now he's getting gas. And the scene isn't ending."

"I've seen better dubbing in Gamera movies."

"BIRDEMIC: Shock and Terror and Rod Driving His Blue Mustang."

"I'm hanging out, hanging out, hanging out with my family..."

"I think this is the same CGI guy who did JURASSIC PARK."
"I think you're drunk."

"Best last shot ever."

"I have unanswered questions. Like what happened to the solar panel salesman?"

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When Rod got gas. I completely lost it.

Joe: Too many to name. The beach scene where they eat seaweed. The forest fire. The machine gun bus massacre. The Damien Carter dance scene.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes. Yes. Yes. YES! Just do it. Please.

Joe: If you only see one movie reviewed on this blog, you shouldn't be reading this blog. But you need to see BIRDEMIC. Two cups of espresso, five beers, two shots, and three bong hits will help.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. This will get you laid. Probably.

Joe: It did not get me laid. But you should make everyone you know watch it.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: I have three times.

Joe: I'm ready to go again.

Talon: Did you see BIRDEMIC? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Do you need someone to talk to about it? Post in the comments!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, it's... Oh Jesus there's a sequel? Welcome to BIRDEMIC 2!


or
MOVIES WE'VE REVIEWED
BIRDEMIC (2010)
BIRDEMIC 2 (2013)
THE MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER (2016)
TURKISH STAR WARS (1982)