Monday, March 6, 2017

Birdemic (2010)

BIRDEMIC directed by James Nyguyen

Ranked 1.8/10 on IMDB

or

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?


Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Forget every other blog post we wrote. And forget every movie you've ever seen. This one tops them all. No questions asked.

Joe: I have questions.

Talon: I said no questions asked!

Directed, produced, and written by James Nyguyen, a fifty year old Vietnamese filmmaker who thinks his movies are comparable to Alfred Hitchcock's.

Well, he's right.

I'd watch BIRDEMIC over PSYCHO any day of the week. You think I'm joking, but this movie is so traumatizing the only way to deal with your conflicted emotions and self-worth is to hail before BIDERMIC!

Hail before the shock!

Hail before the terror!

Hail...okay fine, this is the worst movie I've ever seen.

Joe: It may also be the worst movie I've ever seen more than four times.

I've actually watched it four times.

Each time I watch it, it gets a little worse, and a little more fun. It is everything the Best Worst Movie Blog stands for; awful films that entertain.

Talon: Main Cast Includes:

Alan Bagh as Rod: A young software salesman who sells so much software that he plans on doing something with the environment.

Whitney Moore as Nathalie: A fashion model who becomes a Victoria's Secret model.

Adam Sessay as Ramsey. I think he's Rod's co-worker. Who knows, or cares.

And the most important role, Damien Carter as the night club singer.

Listen to his amazing song HERE

He's just hanging out.

Hanging out.

Hanging out with the family.

Having himself a party.

Joe: Best. Song. Ever.

Talon: The movie starts off incredibly: a credit sequence with the camera following a blue Mustang, driving down the road, for a full four minutes.

Joe: It feels like at least ten. And the soundtrack doesn't help.

Talon: It's a instrumental track that lasts about thirty seconds and keeps getting looped over and over until you want to go deaf.

The director claims this a romantic horror film. I don't agree with the romantic part, but the horror part is spot it. One of my greatest fears is watching a movie about a blue Mustang, driving down the road. I nearly chewed my hand off from all the anxiety. There's just too many scary things that could happen. Like stopping, and going.

That's all I got.

Then Rod finally parks, and the passionate romance kicks in.

It takes more than a dozen edits for Rod to leave the car and get inside the restaurant he parked next to. Then he meets a waitress who can't act to save her life.

Joe: My guess; she was an actual waitress.

Talon: Then we watch Nathalie cut the same piece of food for about forty seconds as Rod creepily watches her.

When she leaves, there's bad footsteps sound FX, and Rob follows her out.

Then the romance begins.

They have this awkward dialog about Rod recognizing her from school and other crap, and while Nathalie can act, Rod can't. The guy speaks like he's never talked to another human in his life.

Joe: I don't blame the actor. The dialog is really badly written, and I watched the commentary and supplements. If memory serves, the director made the actors read line for line.

I'm guessing Rod did his best with what he had.

Talon: Then she leaves and Rod watches her walk away. The scene doesn't cut, we just view the back of his head for thirty seconds. I could tell by his particular set of neck hairs the romantic tension Rod was feeling. So he runs after her, and asks her on a date. They exchange business cards and boom! Now this movie is a romantic horror, just like the director claimed.

Sorta...

Next? Foreshadowing. We watch Rod watch the news. And how they set this up is the most brilliant thing I've ever seen. It's a regular TV, with a green screen on it, but they shot the news footage on a separate green screen, and on that set has another TV using a green screen. Then they explain global warming and how a bunch of birds have died on a highway.

I guess that's how global warming works.

Back to the plot. This is an important scene. Rod is back to driving his blue Mustang. And he stops for gas! Then we wait for him to fill up!

Then... he's back in traffic!

Joe: Well, the director had to use that footage. He didn't want to waste videotape.

Talon: Seriously! We are watching him drive on the highway! The horror! The true horror!

I'm not even sure what part I'm feeling: The shock? Or the terror?

Joe: I felt both shock and terror, that I spent $25 on the Blu Ray.

Talon: There's no narration, or the slightest clue where Rod is heading to. Is it his date with Nathalie? Is it to the Arctic to stop climate change? Is it toward the director at 70 MPH?

Ha, I wish.

So, he's at his job, in a cubical talking to someone who talks faster than Usain Bolt can run a hundred meter, and he ends up selling some software for one million dollars!

I take back everything bad I've said about Rod. This guy is a legend.

Even his co-worker is impressed.

Then it cuts to Nathalie's job. Where she's a fashion model, and in the background is a crummy version of the song Photograph by A Flock of Seagulls. It's so close you can sing the lyrics along to the melody.

Joe: I'm truly sad I can't buy the score anywhere. It is, truly, the worst movie score of all time.

Talon: Since Rod sold a million dollars worth of whatever, he can just leave work and go back to his blue Mustang. This time, before driving, he decides to call his old class mate Nathalie. She's coincidentally off of work too. Rod awkwardly invites her to a Vietnamese restaurant he never told her the name of and she accepts.

I lied before. Now the romance truly begins.

Bow chicka wow wow.

Oh wait. It doesn't. It skips to Rod playing basketball outside with his coworker, Ramsey. Neither Rod or his co-worker looked like they ever played basketball in their lives. After dribbling for thirty seconds. then sweating, they talk about the hot weather. This is another foreshadowing example cleverly inserted by the writer. (No, it's not.) Then Rod brings up Nathalie. I'll just write the dialog for you, because it's hilarious.

Rod: "I met this girl Nathalie over the weekend."

Ramsey: "Good for you. Is she hot?"

"Yeah, fashion model."

"Lucky you, man"

"Yeah, we're going out this weekend."

"Hope you score with her, man."

"Is that all you ever think about is sex?"

Ramsey thinks about it, then nods.

Rod: "Anyways, we're just gonna go to lunch. Just talk. Get to know each other."

Ramsey shakes his head, then dry humps the air. "A day without sex is a day wasted, man."

"I'll let you know how it goes."

Wow. I laughed so hard.

So now! Finally! The date is going to begin.

Oh wait. Rod is watching the news about forest fires.

Then Rod is buying solar panels for his house.

Then I'm getting a sprinting start and jumping off a cliff.

Joe: That solar panel scene was completely essential to the plot. (No, it wasn't.)

Talon: I'd have more fun punching myself in the face for 90 minutes then watching this movie again.

And we're only sixteen minutes in! Seriously!

Amazing.

Best worst movie ever!

Joe: You need to see it again. It becomes a transcendental experience. This isn't like The Room, or Rocky Horror, where you can wait for your favorite scenes, quote lines, and talk to the screen.

In Birdemic, there are no favorite scenes. And the only audience participation part is the Damien Carter's song.

But still, you should watch it again.

Talon: I've seen it three times.

Joe: That's what I said. You should watch it again.

Talon: So, finally! The romance begins! Rod meets Nathalie at the restaurant he never told her the name of and they have their first date.The scene is so epicly bad that I can't even properly describe it. Rod goes from being a self-absorbed robot and a pervert in only a couple sentences. It's hilarious.

So, a movie called BIRDEMIC, is so far about: selling software, global warming, buying solar panels, and going on dates. Nothing about birds, or an epidemic, let alone the combination of those two words.

So blah blah blah, Rod gets some money, he said he's going to retire, and he says his Mustang gets 100 mpg, but we still watched him get gas after about twenty minutes of driving in traffic. Then he says he's starting a green company. So much for retiring.

Oh, I get it! The director is showing how green and earth friendly Rod is. And how he's going to be the hero when the world goes to crap. Wow. Amazing. Now I really care about him. ( I don't.)

Then Rod and Nathalie go on another date where the only thing they do is walk around a fair. It's so pointless that I came to the conclusion that my life is pointless, too. Then they go to the beach, and stumble upon a dead horrible rendered CGI bird. It looks like a pile of brown cubes.

Atari 2600 games had better graphics.

Nathalie, eager to help it, gets stopped by Rod.

"Stop! It could be infectious!"

Really? This movie is infectious toward my brain I.Q. Which is now so broken... I foeget how to spall whords.

Movey then goes bad-bad.

Me, Talon no likey. Me, Talon, want to bash hed against rock.

More pointless crap, bad writing, bad editing, and bad acting later, the third best scene of the movie happens.

Quick reminder: We are now 40 minutes in.

They go to a night club and awkwardly dance to legendary Damien Carter's song.

You should listen to it again HERE

He's just hanging out.

Hanging out.

Hanging out with his family.

Having himself a party.

Have to admit. My family sings this song whenever we are hanging out, and having a party.

Joe: And this is not a quick scene of Rod and Nathalie dancing, to build romantic tension. It's the whole song.

Try to imagine a beloved horror movie. ALIEN. THE BIRDS. HALLOWEEN. And then, move than a half hour into it, the plot comes to a complete stop so we can watch the two leads dance for four minutes.

Impossible to believe?

Well, if you want to see that happen in BIRDEMIC... you can't! Because the plot didn't come to a complete stop. Because there was no plot.

Awesome.

Talon: Alright, forget all the times I said the romance started. It begins here. Right here. Right now.

For whatever reason,when they want to get it on, they stay at a crappy motel and neither of their houses. Then, Nathalie changes into her lingerie, and Rod awkwardly stares, while wearing his tank top. Then they get busy. They make out. They do foot stuff for an uncomfortably long time, And just when you think there might actually be something graphic that happens, the scenes fades to the morning after.

Yeah, I lied again. This movie doesn't really have romance.

Suddenly, the movie's pace slows down. We don't know what happened with Nathalie and Rod, we're just viewing panoramic shots of various outdoor settings. Everything is nice and calm. The sun is shinning. Boats are docked. There's barely any traffic. The director apparently hired a crane, because we have an unnecessary crane shot. It's all peaceful and quiet and normal in Anytown, USA.

THEN OUTTA NOWHERE THE CGI EAGLES ATTACK!

THEY'RE SPITTING ACID! THEY'RE SQUAWKING LIKE SEAGULLS! THEY MAKE ZOOMING PLANE SOUNDS WHEN THEY DIVE INTO THE GROUND AND EXPLODE!

AND NOW THEY'RE ATTACKING THE MOTEL OUR TWO LOVERS ARE STAYING AT!

THE SHOCK!

THE TERROR!

IT'S A BIRDEMIC!

I GIVE UP.

Joe: Here's the thing; this isn't just the worst CGI you've ever seen, it's the worst CGI that's also badly done. The birds stick to one spot, hovering there full-frontal while slowly flapping their wings tips. It's like those Halloween stickers they put on windows, except some of those stickers actually look real.

This alone is worth a full hour of nothing happening. If you hired twenty of the best comedy writers on the planet, and had a 100 million dollar budget, they couldn't make something funnier than this scene.

And it isn't supposed to be funny. It's supposed to be SHOCK and TERROR.

It's wonderful.

Talon: What it comes down to is: this is the greatest thing I've ever witnessed. No B.S. I take back all the smack talk I've said about this movie. There's clearly an epidemic of dangerous birds that float in the air without flapping their wings.

And. incredibly, it gets better.

Oh no! Their phone doesn't work! Oh no! The birds are breaking through the window! (They're not really.)

So they block the window with their bed, wait forever until the camera cuts, and now they can leave the motel and barge into someone else's motel. Inside is another terrified couple.

Rod claims the birds were attacking all night, and they can't escape because he lost his car keys.

WTF?

Even Nathalie is laughing at the stupidity.

Joe: Whitney Moore deserves a wheelbarrow full of awards for her performance. She gives her all.

Talon: The other couple say they have a van, but before they go outside they need something to protect themselves.

Okay! Now this movie is thinking. What are they going to use? Maybe tennis rackets? Take apart the bed frame? Does one of them have a gun?

Nope.

Clothes hangers. They use clothes hangers.

And now the actors are by their van swiping the air at nothing while the floating CGI birds attack by not really attacking.

It's the funniest thing I've ever seen.

This must be the more TERROR part of the movie.

Joe: I also experienced SHOCK. Plus, I learned something. In the event of an emergency, grab the coat hangers.

Talon: The gang barely escape with their dignity and finally make it inside the van. And inside the van is a bunch of weapons. Well, I'm glad they swiped at the air with clothes hangers for two minutes before they couple open the van and start shooting.

Joe: Toy guns, with CGI muzzle flashes actually are the best looking special effect in the movie.

Talon: Then they rescue two kids off the side of the road after their parents got slaughtered by the birds.. But even having a machine gun and pistol that never have to reload, it's still tough to kill the birds.

Then they raid a grocery store, kill some more birds, and then have a picnic outside by the beach?

WTF?

Then we meet a old scientist guy who infodumps and tells us the whole theme to the story.

Spoiler: global warming is bad.

Who could have seen it coming?!?

Back to the van. They travel and then stop. The other dude asks, "Where's Becky?"

Rod replies. "She's taking a shit."

Too damn funny.

Then Becky dies.

This is the SHOCK part, instead of the TERROR, I think.

Joe: I also experienced TERROR.

You forgot one of the best scenes, where they try to rescue some people on a bus, and the birds can suddenly spit acid.

Which, as we all know, is something Al Gore warned us would happen.

Talon: Alright, here comes the amazing ending all wrapped up in a paragraph.

Ready?

So they get robbed of gas, but get it back. Go into a forest. Meet a hippie. Leave the forest as it burns. Find Rod's co-worker dead. Go back to the beach. Rod goes fishing because everyone is hungry. The kids play catch. Rod catches a frozen fish that looks like it was just bought at the grocery store. The birds attack. Then some CGI white birds attack the eagles and then the eagles leave.

The end.

Yeah. I don't know either.

The only thing that can help you redeem your confused emotions is listening to Damien Carter's song again HERE.

Joe: He's hanging out hanging out.

Hanging out with his family.

Having himself a party.

First Impressions:

Talon: My third time seeing it is just as priceless as the first. There's life before BIRDEMIC, and life after it. Life is definitely better after seeing it. Even me describing it detail-by-detail isn't going to help you visualize the true amazingness the movie really is.

Alfred Hitchcock who?

James Nyguyen has some sort of special mind-blowing power. He turned ten thousand dollars into something worth millions, billions, maybe even zillions. Who knows?

Anyone hating on this movie isn't a movie lover. They're simply a hater. They don't understand the true thought, the intelligence, the brilliant writing, behind it.

Joe: A lot of people compare this to THE ROOM. But where Wiseau is like an alien trying to understand human interactions and make a movie about them, Nyguyen is like a film student who has only the barest idea of what makes good movies work. But his lack of any sort of clue is made up for by sheer determination. There are so many things that just don't work. Soundtrack, SPFX, acting, editing, writing, dialog, story... it's like watching a slow motion car wreck. Even so, he made his movie his way, dammit. And bravo to him. BIRDEMIC is awesome.

Talon: I enjoyed this movie. It made me laugh, and if it makes me laugh its a win in my book!

Best worst movie ever!

Joe: It's Top 5 All Time for sure.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"And now he's getting gas. And the scene isn't ending."

"I've seen better dubbing in Gamera movies."

"BIRDEMIC: Shock and Terror and Rod Driving His Blue Mustang."

"I'm hanging out, hanging out, hanging out with my family..."

"I think this is the same CGI guy who did JURASSIC PARK."
"I think you're drunk."

"Best last shot ever."

"I have unanswered questions. Like what happened to the solar panel salesman?"

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When Rod got gas. I completely lost it.

Joe: Too many to name. The beach scene where they eat seaweed. The forest fire. The machine gun bus massacre. The Damien Carter dance scene.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes. Yes. Yes. YES! Just do it. Please.

Joe: If you only see one movie reviewed on this blog, you shouldn't be reading this blog. But you need to see BIRDEMIC. Two cups of espresso, five beers, two shots, and three bong hits will help.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. This will get you laid. Probably.

Joe: It did not get me laid. But you should make everyone you know watch it.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: I have three times.

Joe: I'm ready to go again.

Talon: Did you see BIRDEMIC? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Do you need someone to talk to about it? Post in the comments!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, it's... Oh Jesus there's a sequel? Welcome to BIRDEMIC 2!


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MOVIES WE'VE REVIEWED
BIRDEMIC (2010)