Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Miss March (2009)

MISS MARCH directed by Trevor Moore and Zach Cregger

Ranked 5.0/10 on IMDB

or
RENT THIS MOVIE!

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Hi, I'm Talon Konrath and in twenty seconds or less I'm...

Oh wait, this isn't YouTube. This is Blogger.

MISS MARCH is a six million dollar movie, much of it centering around toilet humor.

If you laugh when someone says poop, or if someone farts too hard and then poops then you'll like this movie.

If you don't laugh at that then you'll probably hate this movie.

Joe: I liked it. A lot. And I'm not the only one. Even though critics savaged this movie, and it was considered a bomb, there is a lot of love for MISS MARCH on the Internet.

In short; it's funny. Which is the main purpose of comedies.

Talon: Here's another crude humor example: There's a rapper, and his name is Horse D*ck Dot MPEG.

If you think having Horse D*ck Dot MPEG as a rap name is funny then... you guessed it, you'll like this movie.

Simple as that.

Joe: Best. Soundtrack. Ever.

Talon: Directed by Trevor Moore and Zach Cregger. These two have been together since their TV show "The Whitest Kids U' Know" and after seeing some music videos and skits by them, Trevor pretty much acts like himself during MISS MARCH: A total offensive goofball. While Zach acts like himself: The innocent nice guy.

This is a movie that was branded the worst of 2009, and I can't find much wrong with it.

Joe: It tries to be outrageous, and succeeds. Well worth watching, especially with friends. Unlike a lot of movies we blog about, this one actually hits what it aims for. It's intentionally funny.

Talon: Main Cast includes:

Zach Cregger as Eugene Bell.

Trevor Moore as Tucker Cleigh. He's the goofball, and Eugene's best friend.

Hugh Hefner as himself.

Molly Stanton as Candace, Tucker's girlfriend.

Raquel Alessi as Cindi Whitehall. She's Eugene's girlfriend.

Some Playboy models.

And Craig Robinson as Phil, aka "Horse D*ck Dot MPEG." This guy is legendary just for having that name. His songs are even more legendary. Search YouTube.

Joe: He needs his own movie. He was hysterical.

Talon: Alright, our plot begins when Eugene and Tucker are kids and then they discover an issue of Playboy. Tucker falls absolutely in love with everything Playboy. The women, the magazines, Hugh Hefner quotes, having sex, etc.

Ten years later, our two characters have grown up and are graduating seniors. Eugene has a girlfriend and she's an abstinence speaker. But tonight, at the post prom party, Eugene is finally going to get to have sex with her.

This is a big deal considering they've been dating for two years and have remained virgins.

Joe: I'm still a virgin. You're adopted.

Talon: Seriously?

Joe: Hell, no! I tapped your mom like a frat kegger. Bam! I smashed that!

Talon: So, at this party, Tucker has convinced Eugene to slam a bunch of shots of alcohol to get him loosened up and ready to unleash the beast.

Eugene gets flat out wasted and ends up walking through the wrong door... and tumbling down a whole flight of stairs knocking him into a four year coma.

Joe: What Eugene needed was a twelve step program.

See that! I made a pun involving stairs and alcohol! I'm funny!

Talon: So the rest of the movie is Eugene trying to get his original life back after Tucker wakes him up from his coma by smacking his head with a baseball bat.

Eugene's girlfriend is gone. His family is gone. And all he has is his silly, loyal friend Tucker.

And since Tucker loves Playboy, he opens the newest issue and discovers Eugene's old girlfriend is the centerfold.

Hence the title of the movie.

Then, Tucker's dreams of going to the Playboy mansion are coming true, and they plan to make a long drive to it as soon as Eugene recovers from his coma. His coma side effects including explosive involuntary pooping of pants.

That happens to me whenever I eat too many beans. And to think this could all be solved with the appliance of adult diapers. Those things are awesome. You might be laughing or making fun of me, but have you ever pooped while standing up?

I didn't think so.

Checkmate, toilet users.

So while Tucker is waiting for Eugene to recover, he decides to invite his crazy epileptic girlfriend, Candice, to his casa. Right as she's performing a lewd act on him, he shows her his new strobe light.

And... well, she seizes and bites down, and Tucker responds by smacking her with a frying pan.

Joe: You either find that funny, or you're overly burdened by good taste.

Talon: Candice's plan for the rest of the movie is to find Tucker and kill him. And she has the fire department to help her since her brother is a firefighter.

Eventually, Eugene's car breaks down and they run into an old high school friend Horse D*ck Dot MPEG. He became a famous and rich rapper and has picked them up in his RV.

Conflict happens.

Funny happens.

Funny conflict happens.

Lesbian scene happens.

Resolution happens.

Eugene gets his girl back. Tucker gets his girl back.

The End.

Joe: Also, there's repeated drinking of dog pee.

First Impressions:

Talon: I was shocked. And not by the immense nudity, violence, poop, or humor.

I was shocked because this was considered one of the worst movies ever made. What is wrong with people? I had a considerable amount of laughs. The cinematography was good. The writing was good. It wasn't too long and it had 6 million dollars to play with.

Hugh Hefner is in it!

C'mon!

Let this be an important message that professional critics suck and all of them should be wiped off the face of the planet.

I have seen dozens of BAD movies. Movies that are close to unwatchable.

ZAAT (1971)
HOWARD THE DUCK (1986)
ALONE IN THE DARK (2005)

Joe: JAWS 4: THE REVENGE (1987)

I still have flashbacks.

Talon: But even if they are terrible and they make you want to do every drug in the world to help relieve the brain pain... they can still be enjoyed. And shared. Think about it; a group of people put hundreds of hours of work and spent mucho dollars on something just for you to watch.

Grow up and stop whining about it.

Joe: All opinions are valid, and we all have things we don't like. But how much better would the world be if we celebrated what we don't like, rather than threw hate-pies at it?

Hating something doesn't make it bad.

If you don't find something funny, or if you find it offensive, that doesn't mean you should trash it. Our growing adoption of social media has made it increasingly easy for everyone to share their opinions. But just because you can criticize everything doesn't mean you should.

I believe artists should be celebrated, even if you don't like what they're doing. What have you created lately? And if you have created something, how much good will it bring the world if others heap scorn upon you and your creation?

MISS MARCH may not be for everyone. If it isn't for you, that doesn't make it bad.

Talon: It makes you bad.

Joe: Pretty much. I have zero tolerance for intolerant people.

Talon: You should maybe reread that sentence.

Joe: Shut up. I have no tolerance for you.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"This is the best song ever made."
"MPEG is the best rapper alive."

"Best worst movie ever!"

"Wait, this bombed? Why?"
"People suck."

"I wish Hugh Hefner was my dad."
"Same."

"I laughed out loud at least ten times. That's even more than I laughed at Old Yeller."

"Potty humor. Drug humor. Sex humor. Nudity. It's like a Greatest Hits package for adolescent boys."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When the lesbian couple were having sex in the backseat while Tucker and Eugene were driving.

Joe: Horse D*ck Dot MPEG's rap video. It's the rawest, realest parody of hip-hop ever put on film.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes. I squirted milk out my nose and I wasn't even drinking milk.

Joe: Yes. I suggest shotgunning three beers, smoking some good sativa, and taking a shot every time some bodily function is exploited for humor.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. I've shared it infinitely with all my parallel universe selves.

Joe: Yes. This should be watched with a bunch of friends.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes. The songs are incredibly catchy.

Joe: Yes. It's the sign of a good movie if you immediately search for the soundtrack after seeing it.

Talon: Actually, that's the sign of a good soundtrack.

Joe: Your comment offends me. Get out of my house.

Talon: Did you see MISS MARCH? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Do you like long and detailed plot synopses? Or short and quick? Post in the comments! We appreciate your feedback!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about: This movie is actually terrible. It has the longest tittle in the world. Its.... THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECOME MIXED UP ZOMBIES!





MOVIES WE'VE REVIEWED

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Turkish Star Wars (1982)

TURKISH STAR WARS directed by Centin Inanc

Ranked 5.0/10 on IMDB



Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?


Quick Synopsis: 

Talon: Geez. How many adjectives can I use to describe this movie?

Here's a few:
  • Astonishing.
  • Awe-inspiring. 
  • Beautiful.
  • Impressive. 
  • Wondrous.
  • Majestic. 
  • Mind-Blowing.
  • Overwhelming. 
  • Fantastically amazing. 
  • Far-Out. 
  • Orgasmic. 
Okay, maybe not orgasmic, but the first nine are fully spot on. 

Joe: I only have one:
  • Essential.
No lover of great bad movies can miss this one. It's required if you're a film buff.

Talon: I'd die for this movie. You readers might think I'm insane, but would someone insane cut up patches of brown carpet, glue them onto their skin, climb a tree and pretend they're a squirrel?

Joe: I do that at least twice a day.

Talon: I've always wondered why that giant squirrel outside my window looked like you. 

Joe: I'm also our family dog. That's why our dog talks and drinks a lot of beer.

Talon: TURKISH STAR WARS, originally known as Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (The Man Who Saved the World), was directed in 1982 by Centin Inanc. A Turkish film director who had careers in law, erotica, and eventually action movies. Centin is also called "jet director" because he can shoot a whole film in ten days.

Joe: Thank you, Wikipedia.

Talon: Main Cast includes:

Cuneyt Arkin, stars as Cuneyt Arkin. He also deserves credit for writing this brilliant masterpiece. Quick fun facts: He got famous in Turkey for acting, and has been in over 100 movies. He's also played roles with his wife and kids.

This guy is legendary and only people in Turkey know it.

Joe: Plus we know it.

Thank you, Wikipedia.

Talon: The rest of the cast is irrelevant because Arkin is that bad-ass. I mean look at the movie cover. C'mon! Not even Chuck Norris could get his leg into that position without cramping, without crying, or without internally exploding.

That hair, too. This guy obviously had slept with every woman in the world.

Joe: I'd hit that.

Talon: And now we begin.

A long time ago in galaxy far, far away.... TURKISH STAR WARS starts off with the worst stock footage I've ever seen. It's like they used a potato to film. Then they repeatedly loop stolen scenes of the Death Star and ships flying all while explaining the longest info-dump in movie history.

And not a single damn sentence makes sense.

Here's some hilarious examples:

"Space age had been passed, life and time reached to the Galaxy age. Hundreds of thousands years had been passed and Earth and planets system in space turned into the galaxy system. Civilizations and history had become past, mankind started to be contended with a simple life style as in primitive ages."

WTF IS GOING ON?

MY MIND IS EXPLODING.

The narrator continues... "However in some cases Earth had been in disintegrated into parts which fragmented off from the Earth had become meteor rocks in space. On some planets life was still going on."

WHERE DID ALL THIS INFORMATION COME FROM? I'M JUST WATCHING THE DEATH STAR OVER AND OVER.

"A coating which was formed by compressed human brain molecules was protecting the Earth."

AM I ON DRUGS?

"Strongest and greatest two Turkish warriors and other humans sailed into space and declared war to the unknown enemy."

This is the best worst movie ever. Period.

Joe: Something may have been lost in the subtitle translation. But I doubt it.

Talon: So we're introduced to our two heroes and the unknown enemy, which is some man in a mask with spikes around his head. I guess he's a 1000 year old Wizard and his costume is a really effective use of cardboard and glue.

I'm guessing that this film's budget was less than the cost of a Happy Meal.

So the bad guy's plan is to capture a human brain so he can take over the universe.

The good guys, the two Turkish warriors, are here to stop the bad guy.

Simple enough.

After the painful infodump, we watch our heroes sit in front of actual STAR WARS footage and pretend they're pilots shooting at bad guys. It's soo funny. It's soooooo damn funny. I'd pay $30 just to see the first ten minutes. Then it gets 10 times funnier when the INDIANA JONES soundtrack plays while they pretend to blow up bad guys.

Joe: The John Williams SUPERMAN theme is also stolen and overused.

Seriously, the actors are just sitting in chairs in front of rear-projected scenes of STAR WARS. And there are actually edits in the footage behind them. They're supposed to be in cockpits, flying, and the background cuts form one scene to the next.

Maybe the Turks are more forgiving than American audiences.

Talon: Our heroes then get shot out of space and land on a mysterious planet. Besides worrying about famine and thirst--

Joe: Which they should worry about, having landed ten seconds earlier.

Talon: --they're also concerned if it's a planet inhabited only by women.

Joe: Which they should worry about, because parthenogenesis is a cause for worry.

Talon: Then we see footage of the pyramids in Egypt.

And we're back to an info dump about how incredible humanity is, and something about atomic war.

Then they're jumping onto rocks. Arkin is clearly teasing us with the stunts he can pull off.

And then they're whistling a special tune to call out all the woman on the planet. Instead of getting women, they get attacked by skeleton costumes on horses. The fight scenes are incredibly epic. Arkin can jump over horses. Dodge spear attacks. Punch people in the stomach and face. Ride a horse.Throw people over his shoulder. Fall off of a horse.

Then they get caught by robots with guns and are forced to battle villagers for entertainment.

That's what the robots claim, but that doesn't happen.

Instead, we watch robots choke children and murder people until our heroes decide they've seen enough. Which is after about three minutes. Then they kick everyone's ass the exact same way they've kicked everyone else's ass: Block, kick.  punch. Block, grab their arm and throw over the shoulder. Sometimes, they block and punch and throw.

It's good to have some variation.

For a lighthearted movie that seems aimed at kids, this has a lot of violence and murder.

Joe: Kids gotta learn it at some point.

Talon: Next, our heroes quickly get overwhelmed as too many skeletons and robots attack all at once.

Joe: It's a lot like the Super 8 movies I made when I was ten years old. Minus any of my skills.

Talon: Out heroes flee to the safety of a cave inhabited by a woman who takes care of children. The woman is impressed by Arkin.

And now, we got a love story.

This 10/10 film just went to 11/10.

Arkin's only interest with the woman is... that she's a woman.

Makes sense.

And instead of having her talk about her feelings, or having her talk at all, they just stare at each other for long periods of time until someone awkwardly smiles. This happens at least forty times to show they're truly in love.

Joe: This is how it was with your mother. After I fought robots and guys in skeleton costumes, I stared at your mother and you were born.

The only difference is, your mother can talk.

Boy, can she talk.

Talon: And now we're back to the atomic war info dump...

Alright, fine, this movie is back at a 10.

Suddenly, people in furry costumes crawl outta their graves and attack all the civilians hiding in the cave. It's a montage of violence. Women getting red paint on their faces! Men also getting red paint on their faces. We even see a pile of dead children! (It's truly just a bunch of kids lying down with their eyes closed.)

From what I've learned rewatching these scene several times, these guys are the Wizard's army. They kill humans so they can harvest their blood, and feed it to the Wizard to keep him immortal.

Joe:  I thought the 1000 year old wizard needed a human brain.

Talon: You're right. But those people aren't the right "humans" to capture a brain from. I guess they're too primitive for his taste. He needs Arkin's, or his friends, because you know, their brains connect molecules to form a barrier to protect Earth from laser weapons.

Joe: Why isn't our military using this? It's like the Cold War missile gap all over again.

Talon: They escape from the cave, and after seeing the casualties, our Arkin has had enough of the Wizard's sadistic ways. Its time for a work-out montage that makes Rocky Balboa's training look wimpish.

Ready?

Arkin can karate chop a boulder over and over. He can bench press a rock over and over. He can punch a different rock...over and over. Then, karate chop the same rock over and over. To change up his workout, he can punch a different rock. He can even lift a pile of rocks. Then go back to karate chopping another different rock.... over and over. And finally to unleash his pent up rage, he can karate chop a a completely different rock in half just once.

Joe: They spent a good deal of their six dollar budget on paper mache rocks.

Talon: His love interest is very impressed, and she shows it by staring in his eyes and awkwardly smiling.

And he's even a hero to the children, who now practice his punching moves.

I told you, this guy is a legend.

OH WAIT. This workout montage isn't over. Next, he's tied rocks around his ankles, while the INDIANA JONES music is playing. To show his strength, he's jumping on a trampoline over the camera. And again. And again. And then the rocks are gone.

Next cut, he's kicking giant rocks toward a wall, and they're exploding.

I'm speechless.

Joe: I love this movie hard.

Talon: So he goes to a bar, and I guess his friend (Akkaya) is back, and they get ambushed by the Wizard's fiends. After an epic fight scene, the Wizard appears to talk hella trash about the two Turkish warriors, while revealing his plan to destroy the human race. The Wizard even kidnapped the woman Arkin's in love with.

And then they got teleported to his ship.

Enough is enough. Time to wrap up the rest of the movie in a couple paragraphs.

Ready? It's gonna get crazy.

The Wizard wants the men to join him, He offers Arkin the chance to rule the universe if only he sacrifices his brain. He says no. Then the Wizard shows he has the women he loves in captivity. After some rough-housing and punching, we go to Akkaya who's being seduced by the Wizard's queen. Monsters attack him and he ends up fighting them next to Arkin. They get disabled by lasers and are thrown in a pit to be tortured. It doesn't work. Then, while Akkaya is being help captive, Arkin has to battle a monster. Eighty trampoline jumps over the monster later, he kicks his ass.

Take a breath. Still some left to go

So Arkin finds this bad-ass cardboard lightning sword after kicking some ninja ass. Now Arkin is basically superman with this sword so he goes back to the dungeon where the Wizard is keeping Akkaya. After saving Akkaya, Akkaya sees the power Arkin has with his new sword and knocks him out, taking his sword. The drama is real. The Turkish do not mess around. Then the Wizard uses his sneaky wizard powers to be sneaky and get the sword from Akkaya. The Wizard is now superman and he kills Akkaya. Then he throws Arkin, his woman, and child into a jail.

One more breath.

Arkin is soo sick of this Wizard that he melts the sword and a golden brain and turns them into a pair of gloves and boots. Now Arkin is super-superman and he kills about fifty monsters to find the Wizard. It's epic as hell as it really tries to be an action movie.

Then he karate chops the Wizard in half like he did with a rock. And goes home in the Millennium Falcon.

The End.

Joe: Amazeballs.

First Impressions:

Talon: I saw the tittle, and instantly knew this was going to be the best worst movie ever.

Watching it proved me right.

I know it's a cult classic based on being absolutely terrible, and I know it's a bad movie, but I rate movies on how much enjoyment I get outta them. I couldn't stop laughing because the producers actually stole STAR WARS footage and shot new scenes over it. Maybe the plot doesn't make any sense, maybe the acting is bad, maybe the fight scenes are repetitive, but I found all of that hilarious.

I think that's all that matters.

And for a terrible movie, this had a lot of action and conflict, and the main actor Cuneyt Arkin is like Turkey's Tom Cruise, so I can't hate on that.

No headaches were formed during the viewing of this movie, only endless laughter.

Joe: I first saw this back in my VHS tape trading days. It was epic then. It remains epic.

Talon: Here's some of the dialogue my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Is that the Millennium Falcon?"
"I don't think they paid the licensing fee."

"It's like STAR WARS. Only Turkish... And horrible."

"The Turkish name for this is" The Man Who Saved The World." But who's going to save me from this movie?"

"I can't think of a better movie that I'm watching right now."

"He's jumping on the trampoline again..."
"He's hopping mad."

"I wish I was that cool."
"No, you don't."

"Holy cow there's a sequel."
"Shut up and take my money!"

"My favorite part is when we see stolen STAR WARS footage."
"Maybe it isn't stolen. Maybe George Lucas loaned it. I heard he's very good at relinquishing creative control."

"I don't think those are real rocks."
"You've lost your childhood sense of whimsy."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: The workout montage.

Joe: Agreed. But the costumes--most of which are worse than drunk frat boys make the day before Halloween--are a joy to behold.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes. This is funnier than many comedies.

Joe: Absolutely. Because it's the greatest film of all time to use STAR WARS footage other than STAR WARS. I suggest three beers and three shots to make it go down smoother.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. My pet turkey loves this Turkey movie.

Joe: Yes, it lives up to ALL the hype. You need to make everyone you know see this movie.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes. I include it in my STAR WARS movie marathon.

Joe: I've seen it three times. I'll see it many more before death releases me.

Talon: Did you see TURKISH STAR WARS? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? What kind of costumes can you make with cardboard? Post in the comments!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about: It has the best rapper ever, it's a good movie, and it bombed the in the box office. It's...MISS MARCH.


or

Monday, April 17, 2017

The Mildew from Planet Xonader (2016)

THE MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER directed by Giulio De Santi, Neil Meschino

Ranked 6.0/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?


Quick Synopsis:

Talon: The title pretty much explains the whole movie. Hell, the cover, too. It's a infectious killer alien mildew that landed on Earth, and it's on the prowl to melt faces unless you're in a room containing a dehumidifier.

Joe: Just when you thought it was safe to go into the steam room...

Talon: It's nice for once not being deceived by a movie's cover or title. For example, THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION's cover was nothing like the movie... Why does that spider have ten legs? Huh? What? They don't invade anything. They go to the fair. And... best to just read the blog post. 

Directed by Giulio De Santi and Neil Meschino. Two Italians keeping it classic by using tons of make-up, gallons of blood, and very little CGI. An obvious homage to Lucio Fulci, the Italian father of gore.

Joe: Suggested Fulci flicks include Zombie 2, The Beyond, and New York Ripper, where the killer talks like Donald Duck.

I'm not making that up. It's awesome.

Talon: Main Cast includes.

Willmar Zimosa as Toxic. He's a missionary on a quest to be bad-ass.

Edward X. Young as Colonel: Old guy who smokes a lot of cigars and talks about himself and Vietnam.

Mike Keller as Sergeant Brisco. Colonel's go-to man for everything.

Ardis Campbell as Julia Young. Only logical person in the movie. Also, the only woman. Probably not a coincidence.

Lawrence George as Roger. The nice guy scientist.

Rick Haymes as Dr. Matthew Kane. An older bald scientist.

And Chris Gentile as Dave. Another scientist that happens to have limited use of telekinetic powers. Dave and Roger don't get along, I think because of Julia.

The low-budget movie starts off... Awesome? Wait what? A first scene that is actually good? I don't want to tie my eye sockets in a knot and rub them with salt? On this blog?

Yes, it's true. We start off by viewing a scientist in a bio-suit examine a giant infected meteor swarming with green particles of alien mildew that's sitting on the beach. Walking closer, his inferior bio-suit proves it has no chance against the infectious microscopic lifeforms. They penetrates his suit, and the camera cuts to his face melting from the inside outwards in a soupy red and green mush of pure gore epicness.

For any gore fans, or shock lovers out there. This is a must.

Joe: The gore movie, in the tradition of the French Gran Guignol theater, which routinely perfromed plays where actors got their heads cut off and intestines ripped out, was brought to modern cinema by H.G. Lewis and his low budget splatterthon Blood Feast. Though, at the same time in Italy, Mario Bava was hammering spikes into witches faces in Black Sunday.

Bava was the better filmmaker, but Herschel will always have my heart.

Talon: The rest of the movie takes place in Bentan labs during the 80s. Where all the scientists I've mentioned above are working on using the Mildew as a weapon of mass destruction.

So far, so good! And I'm shocked! There's a variety of clean camera movements. Crisp sound. An awesome soundtrack. Gnarly SFX! Fun acting! How is this not a cult hit? How is this not as popular as HOWARD THE DUCK?

Just thinking about that movie makes me want to slam a door into my face.

Joe: I agree 100%. Whenever I think about HOWARD THE DUCK, I want to slam a door in your face.

Also, Xonader is pretty awesome.

Talon: Moving right a long.

The audience is introduced to all the actors by using dialog and plot to further on the story. The conflict begins when we watch a corrupt congressman take a bloody piss in the bathroom, and then do a line of cocaine off the sink..

Little does he and everyone else know: His cocaine had mildew on it.

Alien mildew.

Mildew... from Planet Xonader!

Epic!

He meets back into the lab with the gang, and they discuss how they think the mildew works. Their boss is watching them discuss through a live stream on a TV. You can tell he's the bad guy just by the way he rubs his hands and laughs.

Dave tripped and hit his head earlier so he's passed out onto the ground.

Then, the congressmen, coked off his ass, eyes the corporal puffing away at his cigar and says.

"You know, that stuff will kill you."

A good line that made me laugh. This movie is actually turning out to be enjoyable. If you readers out there are expecting me to play in traffic to help cope with the badness of this film. THINK AGAIN! I think I just might prance in a field of dandelions instead!

Yes. That just happened.

Joe: I wrote a book where one of the characters tried to lose weight by Prancercizing.

Talon: This isn't your writing blog. It's my movie blog.

Joe: I like movies.

Talon: In another lab. A scientist is experimenting what the mildew will do on rats. While holding a tube of green particles, and a rat, the boss watching through a camera sends a signal that makes the rat bite the scientist to drop the mildew. The awesome soundtrack cues right when the vial breaks. Adding to the dramatic effect of the disease spreading.

Roger goes to check on the guy, but quickly leaves the room when he sees the morphed, monstrous rats sucking the blood of the scientist's face.

And now for a pun moment.

Rats... I couldn't think of any.

Those rats aren't very mice.

So the camera stays with the bleeding victim, and military personal suddenly appear to Swiss cheese his body with machine gun bullets, and to stop the spread of the mildew by throwing gas.

Then there's an awesome shot where one of the rats explodes from out the scientist's face. The directors had no shortage of blood to use, so they really just bazooka launched it everywhere.

It's awesome.

And it's just another example on how everyone is eventually going to get infected... Or will they?

Yes.

So while they discuss about the mildew, more specifically Dr. Matthew Kane, on how it leaves a green rash on people, the congressman notices a green wound forming on his hand. Concerned, he hides it away from his peers and scratches it. It pulsates and spreads. In a panic, he rushes to a sink and begins scrubbing away at it.

Dr. Matthew then specifies "And when the spores land on a moist surface, they begin to grow. No moisture, no danger."

The mold is absolutely massive on the congressman now. Spreading on his cheeks, and turning his hands to double their size in what looks like green, packed, wet, blended oatmeal.

It doesn't take too long before his entire face turns into swollen mush. And the blood sprays and streams out his eyes and mouth. Green mildew goop splatters on his shoes. The guy is being digested second by the second, and the only thing that seems to cope his pain is by prying off chunks of scalp with his meaty fingers and by horribly screaming. Not too soon, he's in a green and red chunky soup puddle of himself after his face morphs, forming some weird, alien looking thing.

The others watch in horror. And some guy throws up. Conveniently on passed-out Dave.

Roger is now taking the hero role, and trying to find a isotope that can combat against the mold. He also explains that no one can leave the lab building because they have a duty of not infecting the world with this plague. Then he explains to the gang on how being infected works.

"The dehumidifier should contain the mold from becoming an airborne threat. So, for godsake, no one touch the congressman."

Earlier on Sargent Brisco had shaken hands with the congressman, so now he's also been infected with the mold. Which is pretty damn cool since now Brisco knows exactly what is going to happen to him.

The scene ends and we're in Toxic's POV. He's here to stop the mildew from becoming a weapon. So his main goal is to be a bad-ass soldier, or at least that what the Directors portrayed him as. All Toxic does is talk trash to the soldiers running the lab and then kill them in various ways. Like throwing a chef knife. Punching them. Shooting them. It's not amazing, but its fun. And that's all that truly matters...

Joe: Allow me to interject here for a moment and talk a little about Necrostorm, the studio behind this awesomeness. Their first movie was called ADAM CHAMPLIN, and it's one of the craziest, bloodiest, most insane movies ever made. They're independent, and use crowdfunding to help make their movies, and someone needs to give them a 30 million dollar budget immediately.

Talon: Back to Brisco. He's freaking out about his green hand, so he fires up a frying pan and sizzles his palm.

Joe: I wrote a story about a guy who puts his hand on a burner.

Talon: Scroll up and read the name of this blog.

Joe: Best Worst Movies Ever. I like movies.

Talon: The hand cooking seems to be effective, until Julia explains how the infection went inside his body instead of outwards. So they put him in a separate room.

Fun fact. The movie cover is Sergeant Brisco when he's infected.

Another fun fact. I'm not wearing any pants.

Another fun fact. Somewhere around the world, people are dying.

Joe: That fact wasn't fun at all!

Talon: It's true. People die.

Joe: I meant the one about your pants.

Talon: So Dave wakes up and leaves the lab and flees to another room to have a telecom with the boss. He was involved with infecting everyone in the lab so he can retire early or some other plot twist that I didn't pay attention to. I can't give you all the spoilers...

Roger and Julia go outside the lab to find a treatment for the mildew. Then the sprinklers go off, causing the mildew to spread in the hallways at a rapid pace. Roger and Julia take off their bio suits and rush back to the safe lab.

Dave tries to enter the boss's office but gets his spine ripped out by the mildew monster Toxic was fighting earlier. Zombie Brisco drags Dave to the safe lab because his Colonel told him too. Even infected he's still a dedicated soldier. Then the Colonel interrogates paralyzed Dave by asking him questions and then torturing him. Which is pretty funny because Dave can't feel anything.

Then they find a treatment and its some sort of acid. Roger ends up spraying it on his eyes and it causes him to go blind.

And to wrap it all up. Dave dies. Roger, Julia, Colonel, and Brisco find the boss's room. Break in. Kill the mildew monster. Kill the boss. Colonel dies, and Julia and Roger escape with Toxic.

Then all of Bentan Labs blows up, but not before leaving things open for a sequel.

The end.

Pretty epic if you ask me.

First Impressions:

Talon: I had no idea what to expect which such a tittle. Hmm. Maybe a mildew. From a planet. Called Xonader?

Besides that, the film was actually a lot of fun. Considering I wasn't expecting much. Watching it for a second time was just as fun, too. There's nothing wrong with this movie.

It was low-budget with great gore and splatter moments. Had good jokes. A solid plot. Fun characters. Awesome soundtrack. Tough bad guys.

It wasn't a bad movie at all.

Definitely not something that should be a cult hit for being terrible, or for being one of the worst films ever made. I've seen some bad movies. Some so bad, they've taken years off my young life. My driver's license says I'm 19, but I'm really 56.

It's been a hard road. My doctor says I'm depressed.

Joe: You should try drugs.

THE MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER is one of the Best Worst Movies. It's a fun cult film, drenched in gore, funny as hell, and a great way to kill ninety minutes with your like-minded buddies. You know, the ones your wife hates.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my Dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Epic gore is epic!"

"The congressman is awesome."
"I wish my congressman did blow off a bathroom sink."

"Wait, wouldn't mildew cleaner solve this alien mildew problem?"
"Probably."
"This movie is still cool."

"This is bloodier than Mortal Kombat."

"This was considered one of the worst movies ever?"
"Yep."
"No way."
"Way."
"No way."
"Way."

"I think we say epic and awesome too much."
"Cause it's epicly awesome."
"Touche."

 Best Worst Scene

Talon: When the rat exploded out a scientist's face.  I was so geeked out that I got acne and giant glasses.

Joe: The rat scene. It's insane.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes. If you're a gorehound. Give this a shot.

Joe: Yes. You don't even need any alcohol. Though a few beers might make it even more fun.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. Watch it with your gorehound friends.

Joe: Any guy who likes insane violence will like this. So any guy will like this.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes. I've seen it twice with my gorehound friends.

Joe: Yes. I'll play this every few years, as part of a triple feature with TOXIC AVENGER and STREET TRASH.

Talon: Did you see MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Should we do more good movie reviews? Post in the comments!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, it stole footage from Star Wars, and it was only released in Turkey... it's TURKISH STAR WARS!




MOVIES WE'VE REVIEWED

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Birdemic 2 (2013)

BIRDEMIC directed by James Nguyen

Ranked 1.7/10 on IMDB


BUY THIS MOVIE!
or
RENT THIS MOVIE!

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Is this real life? Someone slap me silly because it seems like BIRDEMIC has a sequel. 

And it has the same cast?

The same director?

The SAME budget?

And, oh my god! Damien Carter is back! Hell yeah!

Directed by James Nguyen, a fifty year old Vietnamese man who believes BIRDEMIC was a hit because of its great plot, solid acting, and good special effects.  

I agree with James...

He really does say he's fifty years old. 

What a legend. 

Joe: They broke the mold when they made James. Then hunted down and shot the folks who made the mold. He will never be replicated.

Talon: Main Cast includes:

Alan Barg as Rod. In the first one he was a software salesman and a bad actor. In this one, he's a Silicon Valley entrepreneur and still a bad actor. What has Rod created to change the world? Is it something to do with stopping global warming?

Nope.  

He's just rich because the script said so. 

I wish that could happen to me. Wait... Duh! I'll just write it down. 

Talon Konrath is universally famous and a trillionaire. He also has a 58 inch penis. 

WOW! It really worked!

Joe: Talon! You've been bitten by an anaconda in your groinal area!

Oh, wait. That's just your 58 inch penis.

Hey, can I borrow some money?

Talon: No.

Whitney Moore as Nathalie. She's Rod's wife, and the only good actor in the movie.

Joe: I dunno who reps her, but based on her talent and screen presence, she should be getting major roles.

The rest of the cast... not so much. But lest I sound like a hater, BIRDEMIC 2 does, indeed, have the perfect ensemble cast, and everyone is great in their roles.

If that sounds contradictory, it's because you're a very smart idiot.

Talon: Being a smart idiot is contradictory. Wait... I see what you did there.

Joe: Your penis just ate a capybara.

Talon: Thomas Favaloro as Bill. He's an independent film director looking for female leads in his new movie, Sunset Dreams, a title that doesn't even make sense. Bill also spends a lot of time info-dumping about how he thinks Hollywood works and telling women they have talent and beauty. He's anything but a director. 

Joe: Says the guy who has never directed anything.

Talon: Hey! I have a YouTube channel. I've directed a few short things.

Joe: Your point?

Talon: I think you're talented and beautiful.

Joe: Hollywood is going to love you.

Talon: If you want to create a drinking game, drink every time Bill says talent or beauty. You'll fill your stomach up to your esophagus with booze.   

Chelsea Tunbo as Gloria. She's a struggling actress, and Bill's waitress. Then she becomes the star in Sunset Dreams because plot.

Joe: She was born to be a star, all that talent and beauty.

Talon: And Damien Carter as Damien Carter. In the last film, he was just hanging out. Hanging out. Hanging with his family. Having himself a party. This film, he has another great song. And yes. The whole cast dances to it for a full three minutes.

It's actually awesome. How can you not have a good time around Damien Carter? 

I found the link for it HERE.

Do yourself a favor and listen to it. And then dance like you've never danced before. 

The plot of BIRDEMIC 2 kicks off with a stunning scene. I haven't seen anything so creative before. We watch an entire five minutes of Bill walking unnaturally slow on the sidewalk in L.A. to an endless credit sequence, bad footstep dubbing, and and annoying looping soundtrack.

Joe: The actor has the easiest job in the world and he's still terrible. 

Talon: Hold on a second...

I think I'm having deja vu.

I think I'm having deja vu.

I think I'm having deja vu.

Wait, I'm think...

THIS IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE FIRST MOVIE.

Only Rod is sitting in traffic in his infamous blue Mustang that gets 100 mpg!

Joe: Nguyen knew he shouldn't mess with a formula that worked, so he used the same story beats as with part 1. You don't reinvent the wheel, man.

Talon: Bill finally makes it to The Happy Ending Bar and Restaurant. Gets seated, and then we're watching him order food. 

Then, another establishing shot of The Happy Ending Bar and Restaurant.   

And I wonder what happens next?

In the first one, Rod thought he recognized Nathalie.  

This one? Yep. Same thing. Bill thinks he recognizes Gloria. They talk about stuff, Bill weirdly checks her out, Gloria says she's an actress, Bill weirdly comes on to her, blah blah blah. Then, a third establishing shot of The Happy Ending Bar and Restaurant and Rod and Nathalie make their appearance. 

Why are Rod and Nathalie there?

Because plot.

So after Rod and Nathalie greet Bill. The two bad actors end up having most of the dialog while Nathalie patiently sits there. Bill talks about Sunset Dreams. Great, now we're watching a bad movie about someone who is talking about directing a bad movie. Then they trash talk Hollywood because it's all about indie directors making their way to the top.

Ahh. I see what you're doing James Nguyen. You're an indie director who wants to make it to the top.

Aw, I could just pinch his little cheeks.

Joe: Don't condescend to All Mighty King Nguyen.

Your penis just ate caiman.

Talon: Then they talk more about Hollywood, and Nathalie lands a role in Sunset Dreams after Rod gives Bill a check for one million dollars.

Looks like Bill caught the big fish today!

I'm glad Rod and Nathalie decided to show up to that restaurant and sit with Bill there, otherwise this movie wouldn't exist.

The scenes ends and then, uh oh! Bill is watching foreshadowing news.

Around this time in the first movie. Rod was watching foreshadowing news.

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

Instead of the female reporter talking about birds spontaneously dying on the highway, red rain is the new culprit. It's bad and scary because it's red.

Next scene, Bill runs into Gloria the aspiring actress on the sidewalk. Similar to Rod chasing Nathalie in the first film. And right when she was about to leave California. How convenient! Then, using his magical powers of calling her beautiful and talented (and offering her a 1000 dollars) Bill has another lead role for his movie.

Kill me now. With a poisonous stick. And fire. While being tortured.

Then Rod and Bill go to Hollywood producers to get an investment of one million dollars.

What?

So much for being indie. And so much for Rod's one million dollars.

Joe: Sunset Dreams was too big a project for only one million. They needed two million to bring all the Sturm und Drang to the screen.

Google it.

Talon: More bad acting, bad plot, bad writing, bad cinematography, bad badness, later. Bill's waitress, Gloria, is now the lead role in Sunset Dreams. They go on a date and talk the same things about Hollywood they've discussed earlier.

Only twenty minutes in and I want to swallow a handful of rusty fishing hooks to distract from my cluster headache.

Ready for some gripping dialog?

Gloria and Bill are still on their date at some Vietnamese restaurant. The ambient music is way too loud to hear them, except for sporadic infodumping.

Gloria nodding her head: "Wow, thank you so much for helping me with my movie career. And thank you so much for not letting me get on that bus."

Bill: "Well I had to! After seeing thousands of head shots and hundreds of auditions. Then I saw you. Talent. Beauty and grace all mixed into one. I'm gonna help make you a movie star.

Gloria: "What can I do to ever repay you for ever helping me out with my movie career?"

Bill creepily smiles. "Oh, a lot!"

Gloria: "Like what?"

BANG! Que montage of Bill driving Gloria in his convertible to a generic 80's workout song.

Alright, alright, I'll admit it. I wasn't impressed at all.

So after a couple minutes of them driving, which I was hoping a movie called BIRDEMIC had more of, they end up at a carnival by the beach. They walk around while blurred-out people and blurred-out advertisements appear in the background.

Joe: The perils of filming without permits and signed releases.

I freaking LOVE this movie.

Talon: After that very epic important side plot that had no conclusion whatsoever, we're back to the main story. The couple head to the beach and surprise, they run into Rod and Nathalie. At this point, James Nguyen is either completely incapable of logic, or he's a brilliant mastermind using clever plot devices and hints that our heroes aren't human. They're aliens capable of telepathy. It's perfect, because it explains the bad acting and the inability to behave like a normal human beings.

Then, seriously, the most epic scene I have ever witnessed in my entire existence. I've yet to fully understand its purpose.

The camera abruptly cuts to half a women's legs fake swimming in front of a green screen. It looks so bad you can't help but laugh at it. Suspenseful music builds, and I have no idea what's about to happen.

BOOM! THEN THE BAD CGI GIANT JUMBO JELLYFISH ATTACKS!

And by attacking, it just floats around the fake swimming legs.

I squirted milk out my nose. And I wasn't even drinking milk. Is this Birdemic or Jellyfishdemic?

The scene ends and a blonde gets outta of the water and encounters Rod, Bill, and Gloria. Nathalie disappeared somewhere. Hopefully off auditioning for something good.

The poor attacked swimmer lays on the beach, in pain. Gloria is by her side.

Swimmer: "Help. Help. Something stung me."

Gloria: "What stung you? What stung you?"

Swimmer: "Something stung me."

Bill: "What stung you?"

Swimmer: "A jellyfish."

Gloria: "A jellyfish?"

Swimmer: "Yes! A giant jumbo jellyfish."

Rod: "Call 911."

Gloria calls. "Hello my friend needs help."

Operator: "What happened to her?"

Gloria: "I don't know. Something about a giant jumbo jellyfish."

Then she gets taken away in a CGI ambulance.

Joe: I'm a pretty good writer. I couldn't write better than this.

Talon: Agreed.

Joe: Hey now!

Talon: My brain can't even process what happened.

Now the gang walks into a museum. Then the kid Rod saved from the first one is suddenly with them and they're looking at bird fossils.

Uh oh, the director is foreshadowing again...

Then the kid says, "I wish my sister could be here to see this bird skeleton, but she got a disease from the bird my mom cooked."

WTF.

I'll just pretend I never heard that.

Then we meet a professor who infodumps about bird fossils and cavemen being trapped in a tar pit. After the caveman flashback(!) where they got attacked by CGI birds while they were humping, the professor proudly goes back to his infodump.

I don't know what's worse. Writing about Birdemic or watching Birdemic. Seriously. You wonder why it's been two weeks since our last blog post? BIRDEMIC 2 IS WHY!  I DON'T HAVE MUCH MORE TO GIVE. ALL IT DOES IS TAKE AND TAKE AND TAKE.

Pardon my mental breakdown. That's something you should expect to deal with whenever you're viewing anything by James Nguyen.

Joe: He's got two more movies. I own them both. We'll watch them soon.

Talon: Back to the movie, where we have a solid fifty minutes to go. They're at diner and the only funny line worth writing about is when Nathalie says:

"Hey guys. By coincidence my mom is staying here at Catalina Islands. Do you mind if she stops by?"

Rod: "No, I love your mother."

Nathalie's mom appears.

"Oh hey mom."

WTF.

I'm telling you this alien telepathy thing must be real.

Next? Oh hells yeah its a Damien Carter song. The guy is so amazing his own voice produces back up vocals. The song is awesome, and the dancing is awesome. Nuff said.

Listen to it again HERE.

Alright, I think it's time to sum the rest of the movie up in a paragraph. Take a deep breath. Ready?

Bill and Gloria get it on at a motel. The red rain falls and all the birds and cavemen are resurrected. Who could've predicted this horrific event? The birds attack on the set of Sunset Dreams. Clothes hangers are the human's only defense. Security comes in and fires exactly 70 shots from two handguns without ever reloading. There's boobs. Next, they rescue two people. Will the screenwriter and Jessica. Now they're at the Jaws set at Universal studios and they all break the forth wall about creating a franchise movie hit about birds killing people.

Ok. Stop. When they did that. I lost my shit.

Alright we're back. They find an RV and film it driving for about ten minutes before any conflict happens, and someone's black hair is on the lens the whole time. They decide to take a shortcut through a cemetery and zombies attack them.

WTF? Yes. Zombies attack them, and Jessica dies.

It was actually kinda cool.

The movie also had multiple moments where they check a dead person's heart beat. Then Rod says, "She's dead. Let's go."

Will dies. "He's dead. Let's go."

They meet the same hippie from the first movie, who lectures us about being greener in the world. They all drink sodas which magically change next shot. And finally the birds leave.

Slowly fading into the distance.

Very slowly fading into the distance.

Very very very slowly fading into the distance.

Very very very very very very very very slowly fading into the distance.

The end.

YEAH I DON'T KNOW EITHER.

First Impressions: 

Talon: Unlike the rest of my bad movie experiences, where I'm innocently stumbling upon a film that makes me want to die instantly, this one I purposely wanted to see, and it still made me want to die instantly. I had to shut it off and finish it another day. Around 40 minutes in, the heroes broke the fourth wall and began discussing making a BIRDEMIC movie while they're being attacked by CGI beaks with wings. It was just too good for me to handle. I needed to pause it and savor how this movie went from a 10 to an 11.

I've also noticed this had the same outline as the first BIRDEMIC. Here's some examples. They replaced Rod's pointless traffic driving with Bill's pointless traffic walking. Rod mis-remembers Nathalie. Bill mis-remembers Gloria. Both had a foreshadowing news event around the same time. Both talked about subjects they knew nothing about: First one, global warming. Second one, Hollywood. Rod and Nathalie went to the fair around the same time Bill and Gloria went to a fair.

The first one had no scene comparable to the giant jumbo jelly fish, though. Which was the greatest monster attack scene since Alien. Since Jaws. Since Tremors.

Joe: Since the Care Bears Movie.

Talon: Seriously, if I were swimming in the ocean and I saw that CGI giant jumbo jellyfish and it bounced off me like it did in the movie... I'd probably just get out of the water and be fine.

But c'mon, when my virgin eyes viewed that life-changing scene, I knew this was one of the best worst movies ever. A game changer for cinema history.

Birdemic? Or Giant Jumbo Jellyfishdemic?

You decide.

Joe: Giant Jumbo Jellyfishdemic? Just take my money. Take it all.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"There's a hotel up there. Maybe they have some gas?"
"WHAT?"

"She's dead, let's go."
"He's dead, let's go."

"They're fighting zombies?!"
"Birdemic? Jellyfishdemic? Zombiedemic?"
"That's the trifecta."

"The camera's person's hair is in the shot."
"They should have cut that hair."
"Was that a pun?"
"Yes. Yes it was."

"Cool. I was hoping they drove a while longer."

"I swear this is worse than the first one."
"That takes commitment."

"Twenty-four minutes in and nothing has happened."

"Has the director ever seen a movie? Or a gun?"

"She's dead, let's go."

"Clothes hangers are the birds Kryptonite."

"Whenever sex in a motel happens, you know the birds are about to attack."

"He's dead let's go."

"Oh no. The director is foreshadowing again."

"At least it has some gratuitous nudity."

"Wow this movie was terrible."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: Definitely when the giant jumbo jelly fish attacked.

Joe: The ending. It is even less of a climax than the first film, which is staggering.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, it's an exercise in frustration, but there's a lot of hilarious moments.

Joe: Yes. I suggest two espressos, four beers, two shots, and Vicodin. Lots.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. Anyone who can tolerate this with you is a friend for life.

Joe: Yes. Everyone needs to watch this. Don't worry if you haven't seen Part 1; the director is so good he brings you up to speed immediately.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: I've seen it twice. IT'S EPIC.

Joe: Yes. Four times so far. It has become my new hobby.

Talon: Did you see BIRDEMIC 2? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Did you wait too long for this blog post? Post in the comments!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, it has
mildew, its from a planet, its cheap as hell but actually a decent movie, it's THE MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER!


MOVIES WE'VE REVIEWED

Monday, March 6, 2017

Birdemic (2010)

BIRDEMIC directed by James Nguyen

Ranked 1.8/10 on IMDB

or

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?


Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Forget every other blog post we wrote. And forget every movie you've ever seen. This one tops them all. No questions asked.

Joe: I have questions.

Talon: I said no questions asked!

Directed, produced, and written by James Nguyen, a fifty year old Vietnamese filmmaker who thinks his movies are comparable to Alfred Hitchcock's.

Well, he's right.

I'd watch BIRDEMIC over PSYCHO any day of the week. You think I'm joking, but this movie is so traumatizing the only way to deal with your conflicted emotions and self-worth is to hail before BIDERMIC!

Hail before the shock!

Hail before the terror!

Hail...okay fine, this is the worst movie I've ever seen.

Joe: It may also be the worst movie I've ever seen more than four times.

I've actually watched it four times.

Each time I watch it, it gets a little worse, and a little more fun. It is everything the Best Worst Movie Blog stands for; awful films that entertain.

Talon: Main Cast Includes:

Alan Bagh as Rod: A young software salesman who sells so much software that he plans on doing something with the environment.

Whitney Moore as Nathalie: A fashion model who becomes a Victoria's Secret model.

Adam Sessay as Ramsey. I think he's Rod's co-worker. Who knows, or cares.

And the most important role, Damien Carter as the night club singer.

Listen to his amazing song HERE

He's just hanging out.

Hanging out.

Hanging out with the family.

Having himself a party.

Joe: Best. Song. Ever.

Talon: The movie starts off incredibly: a credit sequence with the camera following a blue Mustang, driving down the road, for a full four minutes.

Joe: It feels like at least ten. And the soundtrack doesn't help.

Talon: It's a instrumental track that lasts about thirty seconds and keeps getting looped over and over until you want to go deaf.

The director claims this a romantic horror film. I don't agree with the romantic part, but the horror part is spot it. One of my greatest fears is watching a movie about a blue Mustang, driving down the road. I nearly chewed my hand off from all the anxiety. There's just too many scary things that could happen. Like stopping, and going.

That's all I got.

Then Rod finally parks, and the passionate romance kicks in.

It takes more than a dozen edits for Rod to leave the car and get inside the restaurant he parked next to. Then he meets a waitress who can't act to save her life.

Joe: My guess; she was an actual waitress.

Talon: Then we watch Nathalie cut the same piece of food for about forty seconds as Rod creepily watches her.

When she leaves, there's bad footsteps sound FX, and Rob follows her out.

Then the romance begins.

They have this awkward dialog about Rod recognizing her from school and other crap, and while Nathalie can act, Rod can't. The guy speaks like he's never talked to another human in his life.

Joe: I don't blame the actor. The dialog is really badly written, and I watched the commentary and supplements. If memory serves, the director made the actors read line for line.

I'm guessing Rod did his best with what he had.

Talon: Then she leaves and Rod watches her walk away. The scene doesn't cut, we just view the back of his head for thirty seconds. I could tell by his particular set of neck hairs the romantic tension Rod was feeling. So he runs after her, and asks her on a date. They exchange business cards and boom! Now this movie is a romantic horror, just like the director claimed.

Sorta...

Next? Foreshadowing. We watch Rod watch the news. And how they set this up is the most brilliant thing I've ever seen. It's a regular TV, with a green screen on it, but they shot the news footage on a separate green screen, and on that set has another TV using a green screen. Then they explain global warming and how a bunch of birds have died on a highway.

I guess that's how global warming works.

Back to the plot. This is an important scene. Rod is back to driving his blue Mustang. And he stops for gas! Then we wait for him to fill up!

Then... he's back in traffic!

Joe: Well, the director had to use that footage. He didn't want to waste videotape.

Talon: Seriously! We are watching him drive on the highway! The horror! The true horror!

I'm not even sure what part I'm feeling: The shock? Or the terror?

Joe: I felt both shock and terror, that I spent $25 on the Blu Ray.

Talon: There's no narration, or the slightest clue where Rod is heading to. Is it his date with Nathalie? Is it to the Arctic to stop climate change? Is it toward the director at 70 MPH?

Ha, I wish.

So, he's at his job, in a cubical talking to someone who talks faster than Usain Bolt can run a hundred meter, and he ends up selling some software for one million dollars!

I take back everything bad I've said about Rod. This guy is a legend.

Even his co-worker is impressed.

Then it cuts to Nathalie's job. Where she's a fashion model, and in the background is a crummy version of the song Photograph by A Flock of Seagulls. It's so close you can sing the lyrics along to the melody.

Joe: I'm truly sad I can't buy the score anywhere. It is, truly, the worst movie score of all time.

Talon: Since Rod sold a million dollars worth of whatever, he can just leave work and go back to his blue Mustang. This time, before driving, he decides to call his old class mate Nathalie. She's coincidentally off of work too. Rod awkwardly invites her to a Vietnamese restaurant he never told her the name of and she accepts.

I lied before. Now the romance truly begins.

Bow chicka wow wow.

Oh wait. It doesn't. It skips to Rod playing basketball outside with his coworker, Ramsey. Neither Rod or his co-worker looked like they ever played basketball in their lives. After dribbling for thirty seconds. then sweating, they talk about the hot weather. This is another foreshadowing example cleverly inserted by the writer. (No, it's not.) Then Rod brings up Nathalie. I'll just write the dialog for you, because it's hilarious.

Rod: "I met this girl Nathalie over the weekend."

Ramsey: "Good for you. Is she hot?"

"Yeah, fashion model."

"Lucky you, man"

"Yeah, we're going out this weekend."

"Hope you score with her, man."

"Is that all you ever think about is sex?"

Ramsey thinks about it, then nods.

Rod: "Anyways, we're just gonna go to lunch. Just talk. Get to know each other."

Ramsey shakes his head, then dry humps the air. "A day without sex is a day wasted, man."

"I'll let you know how it goes."

Wow. I laughed so hard.

So now! Finally! The date is going to begin.

Oh wait. Rod is watching the news about forest fires.

Then Rod is buying solar panels for his house.

Then I'm getting a sprinting start and jumping off a cliff.

Joe: That solar panel scene was completely essential to the plot. (No, it wasn't.)

Talon: I'd have more fun punching myself in the face for 90 minutes then watching this movie again.

And we're only sixteen minutes in! Seriously!

Amazing.

Best worst movie ever!

Joe: You need to see it again. It becomes a transcendental experience. This isn't like The Room, or Rocky Horror, where you can wait for your favorite scenes, quote lines, and talk to the screen.

In Birdemic, there are no favorite scenes. And the only audience participation part is the Damien Carter's song.

But still, you should watch it again.

Talon: I've seen it three times.

Joe: That's what I said. You should watch it again.

Talon: So, finally! The romance begins! Rod meets Nathalie at the restaurant he never told her the name of and they have their first date.The scene is so epicly bad that I can't even properly describe it. Rod goes from being a self-absorbed robot and a pervert in only a couple sentences. It's hilarious.

So, a movie called BIRDEMIC, is so far about: selling software, global warming, buying solar panels, and going on dates. Nothing about birds, or an epidemic, let alone the combination of those two words.

So blah blah blah, Rod gets some money, he said he's going to retire, and he says his Mustang gets 100 mpg, but we still watched him get gas after about twenty minutes of driving in traffic. Then he says he's starting a green company. So much for retiring.

Oh, I get it! The director is showing how green and earth friendly Rod is. And how he's going to be the hero when the world goes to crap. Wow. Amazing. Now I really care about him. ( I don't.)

Then Rod and Nathalie go on another date where the only thing they do is walk around a fair. It's so pointless that I came to the conclusion that my life is pointless, too. Then they go to the beach, and stumble upon a dead horrible rendered CGI bird. It looks like a pile of brown cubes.

Atari 2600 games had better graphics.

Nathalie, eager to help it, gets stopped by Rod.

"Stop! It could be infectious!"

Really? This movie is infectious toward my brain I.Q. Which is now so broken... I foeget how to spall whords.

Movey then goes bad-bad.

Me, Talon no likey. Me, Talon, want to bash hed against rock.

More pointless crap, bad writing, bad editing, and bad acting later, the third best scene of the movie happens.

Quick reminder: We are now 40 minutes in.

They go to a night club and awkwardly dance to legendary Damien Carter's song.

You should listen to it again HERE

He's just hanging out.

Hanging out.

Hanging out with his family.

Having himself a party.

Have to admit. My family sings this song whenever we are hanging out, and having a party.

Joe: And this is not a quick scene of Rod and Nathalie dancing, to build romantic tension. It's the whole song.

Try to imagine a beloved horror movie. ALIEN. THE BIRDS. HALLOWEEN. And then, move than a half hour into it, the plot comes to a complete stop so we can watch the two leads dance for four minutes.

Impossible to believe?

Well, if you want to see that happen in BIRDEMIC... you can't! Because the plot didn't come to a complete stop. Because there was no plot.

Awesome.

Talon: Alright, forget all the times I said the romance started. It begins here. Right here. Right now.

For whatever reason,when they want to get it on, they stay at a crappy motel and neither of their houses. Then, Nathalie changes into her lingerie, and Rod awkwardly stares, while wearing his tank top. Then they get busy. They make out. They do foot stuff for an uncomfortably long time, And just when you think there might actually be something graphic that happens, the scenes fades to the morning after.

Yeah, I lied again. This movie doesn't really have romance.

Suddenly, the movie's pace slows down. We don't know what happened with Nathalie and Rod, we're just viewing panoramic shots of various outdoor settings. Everything is nice and calm. The sun is shinning. Boats are docked. There's barely any traffic. The director apparently hired a crane, because we have an unnecessary crane shot. It's all peaceful and quiet and normal in Anytown, USA.

THEN OUTTA NOWHERE THE CGI EAGLES ATTACK!

THEY'RE SPITTING ACID! THEY'RE SQUAWKING LIKE SEAGULLS! THEY MAKE ZOOMING PLANE SOUNDS WHEN THEY DIVE INTO THE GROUND AND EXPLODE!

AND NOW THEY'RE ATTACKING THE MOTEL OUR TWO LOVERS ARE STAYING AT!

THE SHOCK!

THE TERROR!

IT'S A BIRDEMIC!

I GIVE UP.

Joe: Here's the thing; this isn't just the worst CGI you've ever seen, it's the worst CGI that's also badly done. The birds stick to one spot, hovering there full-frontal while slowly flapping their wings tips. It's like those Halloween stickers they put on windows, except some of those stickers actually look real.

This alone is worth a full hour of nothing happening. If you hired twenty of the best comedy writers on the planet, and had a 100 million dollar budget, they couldn't make something funnier than this scene.

And it isn't supposed to be funny. It's supposed to be SHOCK and TERROR.

It's wonderful.

Talon: What it comes down to is: this is the greatest thing I've ever witnessed. No B.S. I take back all the smack talk I've said about this movie. There's clearly an epidemic of dangerous birds that float in the air without flapping their wings.

And. incredibly, it gets better.

Oh no! Their phone doesn't work! Oh no! The birds are breaking through the window! (They're not really.)

So they block the window with their bed, wait forever until the camera cuts, and now they can leave the motel and barge into someone else's motel. Inside is another terrified couple.

Rod claims the birds were attacking all night, and they can't escape because he lost his car keys.

WTF?

Even Nathalie is laughing at the stupidity.

Joe: Whitney Moore deserves a wheelbarrow full of awards for her performance. She gives her all.

Talon: The other couple say they have a van, but before they go outside they need something to protect themselves.

Okay! Now this movie is thinking. What are they going to use? Maybe tennis rackets? Take apart the bed frame? Does one of them have a gun?

Nope.

Clothes hangers. They use clothes hangers.

And now the actors are by their van swiping the air at nothing while the floating CGI birds attack by not really attacking.

It's the funniest thing I've ever seen.

This must be the more TERROR part of the movie.

Joe: I also experienced SHOCK. Plus, I learned something. In the event of an emergency, grab the coat hangers.

Talon: The gang barely escape with their dignity and finally make it inside the van. And inside the van is a bunch of weapons. Well, I'm glad they swiped at the air with clothes hangers for two minutes before they couple open the van and start shooting.

Joe: Toy guns, with CGI muzzle flashes actually are the best looking special effect in the movie.

Talon: Then they rescue two kids off the side of the road after their parents got slaughtered by the birds.. But even having a machine gun and pistol that never have to reload, it's still tough to kill the birds.

Then they raid a grocery store, kill some more birds, and then have a picnic outside by the beach?

WTF?

Then we meet a old scientist guy who infodumps and tells us the whole theme to the story.

Spoiler: global warming is bad.

Who could have seen it coming?!?

Back to the van. They travel and then stop. The other dude asks, "Where's Becky?"

Rod replies. "She's taking a shit."

Too damn funny.

Then Becky dies.

This is the SHOCK part, instead of the TERROR, I think.

Joe: I also experienced TERROR.

You forgot one of the best scenes, where they try to rescue some people on a bus, and the birds can suddenly spit acid.

Which, as we all know, is something Al Gore warned us would happen.

Talon: Alright, here comes the amazing ending all wrapped up in a paragraph.

Ready?

So they get robbed of gas, but get it back. Go into a forest. Meet a hippie. Leave the forest as it burns. Find Rod's co-worker dead. Go back to the beach. Rod goes fishing because everyone is hungry. The kids play catch. Rod catches a frozen fish that looks like it was just bought at the grocery store. The birds attack. Then some CGI white birds attack the eagles and then the eagles leave.

The end.

Yeah. I don't know either.

The only thing that can help you redeem your confused emotions is listening to Damien Carter's song again HERE.

Joe: He's hanging out hanging out.

Hanging out with his family.

Having himself a party.

First Impressions:

Talon: My third time seeing it is just as priceless as the first. There's life before BIRDEMIC, and life after it. Life is definitely better after seeing it. Even me describing it detail-by-detail isn't going to help you visualize the true amazingness the movie really is.

Alfred Hitchcock who?

James Nguyen has some sort of special mind-blowing power. He turned ten thousand dollars into something worth millions, billions, maybe even zillions. Who knows?

Anyone hating on this movie isn't a movie lover. They're simply a hater. They don't understand the true thought, the intelligence, the brilliant writing, behind it.

Joe: A lot of people compare this to THE ROOM. But where Wiseau is like an alien trying to understand human interactions and make a movie about them, Nguyen is like a film student who has only the barest idea of what makes good movies work. But his lack of any sort of clue is made up for by sheer determination. There are so many things that just don't work. Soundtrack, SPFX, acting, editing, writing, dialog, story... it's like watching a slow motion car wreck. Even so, he made his movie his way, dammit. And bravo to him. BIRDEMIC is awesome.

Talon: I enjoyed this movie. It made me laugh, and if it makes me laugh its a win in my book!

Best worst movie ever!

Joe: It's Top 5 All Time for sure.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"And now he's getting gas. And the scene isn't ending."

"I've seen better dubbing in Gamera movies."

"BIRDEMIC: Shock and Terror and Rod Driving His Blue Mustang."

"I'm hanging out, hanging out, hanging out with my family..."

"I think this is the same CGI guy who did JURASSIC PARK."
"I think you're drunk."

"Best last shot ever."

"I have unanswered questions. Like what happened to the solar panel salesman?"

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When Rod got gas. I completely lost it.

Joe: Too many to name. The beach scene where they eat seaweed. The forest fire. The machine gun bus massacre. The Damien Carter dance scene.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes. Yes. Yes. YES! Just do it. Please.

Joe: If you only see one movie reviewed on this blog, you shouldn't be reading this blog. But you need to see BIRDEMIC. Two cups of espresso, five beers, two shots, and three bong hits will help.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. This will get you laid. Probably.

Joe: It did not get me laid. But you should make everyone you know watch it.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: I have three times.

Joe: I'm ready to go again.

Talon: Did you see BIRDEMIC? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Do you need someone to talk to about it? Post in the comments!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, it's... Oh Jesus there's a sequel? Welcome to BIRDEMIC 2!


or
MOVIES WE'VE REVIEWED
BIRDEMIC (2010)
BIRDEMIC 2 (2013)
THE MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER (2016)
TURKISH STAR WARS (1982)