Sunday, June 25, 2017

A*P*E (1976)

A*P*E directed by Paul Leder

Ranked 2.3/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis: 

Talon: This movie was sued by Hollywood for claiming it's the next KING KONG. Since it obviously wasn't, the movie changed its named to Super Ape, then to A*P*E (Attacking Prime MonstEr).

Joe: If that isn't enough to get you to watch this, you have no love at all for film.

Talon: For anyone who's seen KING KONG, this is quite the opposite. I wouldn't even label this as a gorilla movie. More like a man wearing your grandma's fur coat wrestling a dead shark for ten minutes movie.

It's legendary. I wish I could create something half as good.

Directed by Paul Leder. With a budget of 24 thousand, he shot the whole movie in 14 days. Which is quite the feat. Think of it this way. Hollywood considers a low-budget movie to be at least a million dollars and they spend weeks if not months, casting, rehearsing, shooting, editing.

Give the guy props for making this terrible movie!

Joe: This movie hardly had any props, except what they bought at the toy store.

Talon: Main Cast includes:

Rod Arrants as Tom Rose. He's a news reporter madly in love with his girlfriend.

Joanna Kerns as Marilyn Baker. Tom's girlfriend. She's an actress.

That's pretty much all you need to know.

The plot begins, and a toy boat floating on water bobs from a bathtub's waves. Then? A man in a brown garbage bag with glued-on brown hair emerges from the sea and wrestles with a dead, toothless shark. We don't see any camera shots behind him because that would expose his stuck out zipper and ruin the idea that he's a gorilla, not just a guy in a suit.

Joe: It's actually a dead shark. Not a rubber shark. But a shark that no longer lives. One that has shuffled off its mortal coil, and is now having its corpse desecrated.

Talon: When he isn't sloshing the shark back and forth, he's barrel rolling and sticking his hands in it's jaws so he doesn't drop it.

It's so epic and amazing and hilarious.

Then we get some decent SFX with the suited man destroying buildings.

Joe: Decent in the sense that they aren't a dead shark.

Talon: Later, after boring bad developing story line, and endless scenes with almost as many people on the phone as THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION, we're in South Korea and we're watching a cast make a movie. The movie we're watching turns into a scene they're creating.

What I'm saying is A*P*E is now a bad Kung-Fu movie.

After some badly timed dubbing of swords clashing, and punches or kicks landing, suddenly A*P*E appears and is attacking the actors by standing on top of a hill and drumming his chest. If A*P*E actually attacked the actors, he would be the same size as them.

#LowBudgetProblems.

Shocked by the massive beast, and how the costume got worse by daylight, the actors take offense and shoot flaming arrows guided by fishing line towards the camera--I mean A*P*E.

Joe: This is the 3-D part of the film.

Talon: It's the funniest thing ever because the dozens of arrows all bounce off A*P*E at once and apparently create a weird pebble-hitting-ceramic sound. I'm not exactly sure why that sound is happening, but it's there and A*P*E doesn't like it anymore than I do.

As a last ditch effort, the actors decide that a BATTERING RAM is the weapon of choice.

I can't stop laughing.

Best Worst Movie Ever!

Then we're back to more bad dialogue with generals talking to other generals. A notable line was:

"To the hell with the press. I'm going to smoke this goddamn cigarette."

Joe: One of several stand up and cheer moments in the movie.

Talon: Now we're back to A*P*E, who's watching a hang-glider come straight towards him. A*P*E finds this amusing and decides to bounce the hang glider on his palm.

It's really dumb, because the hang glider just glides away and the scene ends.

So then Tom is meeting his girlfriend (Marilyn) on the set of her movie, and she's involved in a rape scene.

So A*P*E becomes a Drama now.

After the scene was finished the director cuts and isn't happy with how the actor is raping Marilyn.

"Remember, Greg. Rape her gently."

Joe: You can't make things like this up.

Talon: Then Tom and Marilyn are making out again, and then more people are on the phone again.

But wait! We're back to A*P*E now. And he's storming through a village causing a panic. Groups of people load into backs of trucks. Abandon their homes. Flee in flocks across bridges and through streets. They're scared of him, but he hasn't actually killed anyone yet.

For those waiting to see A*P*E's "giant size" next to the average person, wait no longer.

A stationary shot is set up where only the back of APE's legs are placed in front of the camera while people are running away.

Except its not A*P*E's legs at all. It looks like two brown, hairy logs. When did APE lose so much weight?

That ends. And we're back to Tom. He's working with the army now, but he's so cool that he takes off his sunglasses twice in two different shots.

Now A*P*E is watching a cast make a movie.

Huh? Is this INECEPTION?

We're watching a movie within a movie while a gorilla is acting in a movie we're watching, but he's watching a movie as well.

What?

Alright, since A*P*E labeled itself as the next KING KONG, our next scene shows APE kidnapping Marilyn, because he's shown a sudden interest in beautiful women.

The hand they use to grab her isn't bad at all.

But they ruin it when we see A*P*E and Marilyn in the same shot. It's a man in the gorilla suit clearly holding a doll while Marilyn dubs her screaming.

Too funny.

More phone convos later.

More military footage later.

Then A*P*E is swatting at the air for fourteen minutes.

Then A*P*E is flipping off the military.

Which is the funniest thing I've ever seen. The director must of been in on it.

Then, rubber rocks falling down the mountain, bouncing off of actors' heads.

Finally A*P*E has been shot enough times by missiles and bullets to finally collapse and die.

Now I'm crying.

The End.

First Impressions: 

Talon: It's tough to get through. Most of the scenes are military people talking on the phone, or the main two actors making out, and one of them seems to like it too much while the other doesn't at all.

But when A*P*E is on screen, it's awesome. There's a lot of cool 3-D as well. And even some bad kung-fu.

Could this pass as the next KING KONG?

No.

I don't even believe it can pass as a gorilla movie.

Joe: Or a horror movie. Or science fiction. Or even an intentional comedy.

This one should have been called CASH C*O*W. Because it only exists to fool moviegoers into thinking they were seeing the new KING KONG.

This might be the original mockbuster.

Talon: All in all, Best Worst Movie Ever!

Here's some of the dialogue my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"That's a plastic boat on a bathtub."

"Have they released the soundtrack? If so, why?"

"He's somewhere south of Seoul. Getting Seoul food."
"What?"

"This movie wins an award from most hair in camera lens."
"No, that was BIRDEMIC 2."

"Oh my god, that's the mom from Growing Pains."
"What?"
"I don't remember her being so hot."

"This shouldn't be called A*P*E. It should be called Helicopters Flying Around Forever."

"Now A*P*E is crying. Apparently for taking this role."

"Are we watching a bad gorilla movie or a bad kung-fu movie?"
"Both."

"That's the zipper. I see the zipper."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When A*P*E gave the finger to the military.

Joe: Dead shark wrestling. How isn't this a videogame?

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, but maybe fast-forward through the phone dialogue.

Joe: Yes, but you'll need three beers and two espressos to get through the endless helicopter scenes. And scenes of military men on maneuvers. And scenes of military men on maneuvers in helicopters.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. I've shared it with my father again. Now I'm homeless. Someone send help.

Joe: Yes. The more people in the room, the more the pain is divided.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes, it's the only way I have fun now.

Joe: Yes. In 3-D, if you've got the TV and glasses and Blu Ray player. Well worth every dime spent.

Talon: Did you see A*P*E? Did this movie make you go bananas? Let us know in the comments.

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about: It's a robot... It's a monster.... It's the worst thing I've ever seen... feast your eyes on ROBOT MONSTER!


or


Monday, June 19, 2017

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Become Mixed Up Zombies (1964)

THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED UP ZOMBIES directed by Ray Dennis Steckler

Ranked 2.2/10 on IMDB


Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis: 

Talon: This movie title is so long and stupid that I had to take a break from blogging, go on vacation, and rethink my entire life. Questions along the line of, "Why does my heart keep beating?" Funny thing is, if you think the title sucks, watching the movie was even worse.

Before I dive into the horrendous details of this truly awful film, I'd like to say thank you for reading!

Joe: You're welcome.

Talon: Directed by Ray Dennis Steckler. A man with nine other pseudonyms: Cindy Lou Sutters being his porn name...

Main cast includes:

Ray Dennis Steckler as Flagg.

Sharon Walsh as Angela. Flagg's girlfriend.

Brett O'Hara as Estrella. The fortune teller.

And Atlas King as Harold. Flagg's buddy.

The plot begins, well I shouldn't say plot because the movie doesn't have one.

The story begins... no that isn't right either.

The running time begins, and thirty seconds in I want to drink acid and end it all. Ray Dennis Steckler just knows exactly everything I don't want to see in the opening shot:

Twenty minutes of people at a carnival and multiple scenes of characters saying useless dialog. How is wanting to commit suicide by multiple butter knife stabs the main feeling you should have when watching a movie?

Thirty seconds in, I should be watching incredibly-strange-creatures-stop-living-and-become-mixed-up-zombies. Why am I watching carnival shows? Dance numbers? Fortune tellers?

The footage for 1964 is pretty great though. The colors and lighting definitely stand out and are actually viewable. Sound isn't too bad either.

Those are the only two things I will complement the movie for. The rest of it? I'd rather choke to death by my own hand.

Alright, so Wikipedia is informing me about the plot because you couldn't give me a million dollars to analyze what the HELL I just watched.

Marge, one of the dancers for a show, sees a black cat and freaks out. She goes to a fortune teller and the fortune teller says she's going to die. Since she's very superstitious, Marge bolts out of the room screaming and runs past Flagg's gang.

Harold, apparently distraught by the dubbed screaming and bad acting, decides he and his gang need to get their fortune told.

Estrella tells Angela that "a death near water" for someone close will occur in her life.

Estrella also tells Angela that humans can covert carbon dioxide to oxygen simply by contracting the diaphragm.

Okay she didn't really say that.

After that scene, we watch a dance show for about twenty minutes because Flagg was hypnotized by one of the dancers. How fortunate for the director. All he has to do is set up the tripod and film an act, then film himself watching the act.

That's just lazy film-making.

Joe: Lazy? Or brilliant?

You're right. It's lazy.

Talon: Later on Flagg gets hypnotized by the fortune teller.

And we're back to watching someone perform again.

That's two strikes, Streckler.

Joe: At least the performances were entertaining.

I'm kidding. By this point I was praying for a heart attack.

Talon: Forty-five agonizing, long, wasteful minutes pass and we finally get to see some incredibly strange creatures who stopped living and become mixed up zombies... right?

I mean that's what the super long title is for, right?

Please tell me that's what its for.

Nope! It's just Flagg with a hoodie on, wide-eyed and awkwardly stabbing the performers. Think of Alfred Hitchcock's classic Psycho, but without any of the things that made Psycho good.

Flagg ditches the scene, and the audience endures a montage of Flagg tossing and turning in his sleep and a vision of his messed up nightmare. His nightmare consists of Flagg running around people performing at a show, then getting lifted up as if he were a cross and slowly spun by the crowd.

It was terrifying. I didn't know whether to suck my thumb, or hug my teddy bear.

So I did both.

Joe: No, you didn't. I had to shove you because you were snoring.

Talon: So after that surreal experience, which made me wish the TV remote could power off my brain, Flagg is hanging out in someone's back yard with his girl friend.

Want to know what comes next?

I'm giggling just typing this.

Flagg sees a spinning sun umbrella that oddly resembles a hypnotizing wheel. He gets lost in the swirling black and white and soon he's fake choking his girlfriend.

Yeah.

THEN... 30 MINUTES OF DANCING!

Strike three, Streckler. Now I'm just gonna pout for a good five minutes before I write anything else.

Joe: The dancing made me pray even harder for death. God didn't answer.

God is cruel.

Talon: Okay, I'm back.

So while this drama has been going on, sneaky little Estrella had been turning carnival workers into zombies by throwing poison-acid on their face.

I don't know which part is worse. The poison or the acid.

Flagg is concerned about his memory. So he goes back to the Estrella. The woman who caused his broken memory in the first place.

Now I'm not sure if Flagg remembers that Estrella broke his memory, or he's just stupid.

I'll go with the stupid.

Ahh! But he obviously he does remember Estrella because he knew where her location was in the carnival.

So he's just stupid.

Double the stupid.

Flagg should own a flag that has the word STUPID on it.

I'm sorry for being mean. This movie just twisted all my nerves.

Joe: It's okay. Steckler died in 2009, so you aren't hurting his feelings.

Talon: So Flagg is back at Estrella's and the witch tries to throw poison-acid on his face and imprison him.

BUT!

In attempting to imprison Flagg, Estrella has let out all of her incredibly-strange-creatures-who-stopped-living-and-became-mixed-up-zombies!

Finally! They go on a choking killing spree.

Cops come.

Flagg runs away and heads toward a beach. Near water.

Angela and Harold and the police chase after him. Near water.

Flagg runs for five minutes. Near water.

The movie just doesn't seem to end. Near water.

Then, finally, Flagg gets shot and dies. Near water.

You see where this is going?

You remember the beginning, what Estrella said to Angela?

Estrella tells Angela that "a death near water" for someone close will occur in her life.

And there we go.

Amazing.

Joe: And also appropriate. Because during that last scene, I tried to drown myself in a bottle of Evian.

First Impressions:

Talon: The movie says it's eighty minutes long, but I know they're lying to me because I sat and watched it for eighteen hours.

Joe: It was so long I had to shave twice.

Talon: Ray Dennis Steckler really knows how keep you pinned on the edge of sleep.

But, I have to give the guy credit for trying. Making a movie is tough and with a budget of 36 thousand dollars, limited crew, dealing with bulky equipment and film, need I say more?

He gave it his best shot, and it has a ton of flaws, flaws that make me want to throw up repeatedly until my insides are outside. This is still a cult classic. The guy got famous for doing something he loved. Maybe not the good kind famous, but I'm sure this movie is celebrated by a lot of people.

Joe: There is a word for people who celebrate this movie: Wrong.

Talon: Movies are to be watched and shared and enjoyed. You can get something from the best films of all time, and from the worst films of all time.

Thank you Ray Dennis Steckler. This film taught me that I hate everything you've created.

Joe: Dude, you haven't seen Rat Pfink A Boo Boo yet. That one makes this film actually seem competent.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"When does the incredibly mixed up zombie part happen? The last three minutes?"

"Just because you can film a movie that doesn't mean you should."

"Please turn this off. Please."

"C'mon step right up. We have girls, girls, and girls."
"But do they have girls?"

"Hey, hon, I dropped the remote and it paused the movie. Can you grab it?"
"Do not grab it!"

"Keep watching. There's going to be nudity."
"Really?"
"No."

"This is so bad, I don't want to blog about it."
"This is so bad, I don't want you to blog about it."

"A favorite for his fans? Who are his fans?"
"Everyone has a mother."

"I can't go on. I just can't."
"You have to. There are still sixty-eight minutes left."

"Hate isn't strong enough a word for this movie."

"I just took a whole bottle of Xanax. And I chewed them so they kill me faster."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: The ending. Where Flagg ran along the beach for a full ten minutes.

Joe: The dance numbers. All of them.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, it'll make you appreciate life.

Joe: Yes. You'll need six beers, six shots, and a lot of Tylenol.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. Just saying the tittle is a conversation starter.

Joe: Ray Dennis Steckler is a must-see for all bad movies lovers. This should be required viewing in high school.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes, when my name isn't Talon.

Joe: Yes. If only to remind me how cruel life can be.

Talon: Did you see this movie? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend?

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about: it's big...It's harry...It's...Awful. I present to you.... A*P*E!




Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Miss March (2009)

MISS MARCH directed by Trevor Moore and Zach Cregger

Ranked 5.0/10 on IMDB

or
RENT THIS MOVIE!

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Hi, I'm Talon Konrath and in twenty seconds or less I'm...

Oh wait, this isn't YouTube. This is Blogger.

MISS MARCH is a six million dollar movie, much of it centering around toilet humor.

If you laugh when someone says poop, or if someone farts too hard and then poops then you'll like this movie.

If you don't laugh at that then you'll probably hate this movie.

Joe: I liked it. A lot. And I'm not the only one. Even though critics savaged this movie, and it was considered a bomb, there is a lot of love for MISS MARCH on the Internet.

In short; it's funny. Which is the main purpose of comedies.

Talon: Here's another crude humor example: There's a rapper, and his name is Horse D*ck Dot MPEG.

If you think having Horse D*ck Dot MPEG as a rap name is funny then... you guessed it, you'll like this movie.

Simple as that.

Joe: Best. Soundtrack. Ever.

Talon: Directed by Trevor Moore and Zach Cregger. These two have been together since their TV show "The Whitest Kids U' Know" and after seeing some music videos and skits by them, Trevor pretty much acts like himself during MISS MARCH: A total offensive goofball. While Zach acts like himself: The innocent nice guy.

This is a movie that was branded the worst of 2009, and I can't find much wrong with it.

Joe: It tries to be outrageous, and succeeds. Well worth watching, especially with friends. Unlike a lot of movies we blog about, this one actually hits what it aims for. It's intentionally funny.

Talon: Main Cast includes:

Zach Cregger as Eugene Bell.

Trevor Moore as Tucker Cleigh. He's the goofball, and Eugene's best friend.

Hugh Hefner as himself.

Molly Stanton as Candace, Tucker's girlfriend.

Raquel Alessi as Cindi Whitehall. She's Eugene's girlfriend.

Some Playboy models.

And Craig Robinson as Phil, aka "Horse D*ck Dot MPEG." This guy is legendary just for having that name. His songs are even more legendary. Search YouTube.

Joe: He needs his own movie. He was hysterical.

Talon: Alright, our plot begins when Eugene and Tucker are kids and then they discover an issue of Playboy. Tucker falls absolutely in love with everything Playboy. The women, the magazines, Hugh Hefner quotes, having sex, etc.

Ten years later, our two characters have grown up and are graduating seniors. Eugene has a girlfriend and she's an abstinence speaker. But tonight, at the post prom party, Eugene is finally going to get to have sex with her.

This is a big deal considering they've been dating for two years and have remained virgins.

Joe: I'm still a virgin. You're adopted.

Talon: Seriously?

Joe: Hell, no! I tapped your mom like a frat kegger. Bam! I smashed that!

Talon: So, at this party, Tucker has convinced Eugene to slam a bunch of shots of alcohol to get him loosened up and ready to unleash the beast.

Eugene gets flat out wasted and ends up walking through the wrong door... and tumbling down a whole flight of stairs knocking him into a four year coma.

Joe: What Eugene needed was a twelve step program.

See that! I made a pun involving stairs and alcohol! I'm funny!

Talon: So the rest of the movie is Eugene trying to get his original life back after Tucker wakes him up from his coma by smacking his head with a baseball bat.

Eugene's girlfriend is gone. His family is gone. And all he has is his silly, loyal friend Tucker.

And since Tucker loves Playboy, he opens the newest issue and discovers Eugene's old girlfriend is the centerfold.

Hence the title of the movie.

Then, Tucker's dreams of going to the Playboy mansion are coming true, and they plan to make a long drive to it as soon as Eugene recovers from his coma. His coma side effects including explosive involuntary pooping of pants.

That happens to me whenever I eat too many beans. And to think this could all be solved with the appliance of adult diapers. Those things are awesome. You might be laughing or making fun of me, but have you ever pooped while standing up?

I didn't think so.

Checkmate, toilet users.

So while Tucker is waiting for Eugene to recover, he decides to invite his crazy epileptic girlfriend, Candice, to his casa. Right as she's performing a lewd act on him, he shows her his new strobe light.

And... well, she seizes and bites down, and Tucker responds by smacking her with a frying pan.

Joe: You either find that funny, or you're overly burdened by good taste.

Talon: Candice's plan for the rest of the movie is to find Tucker and kill him. And she has the fire department to help her since her brother is a firefighter.

Eventually, Eugene's car breaks down and they run into an old high school friend Horse D*ck Dot MPEG. He became a famous and rich rapper and has picked them up in his RV.

Conflict happens.

Funny happens.

Funny conflict happens.

Lesbian scene happens.

Resolution happens.

Eugene gets his girl back. Tucker gets his girl back.

The End.

Joe: Also, there's repeated drinking of dog pee.

First Impressions:

Talon: I was shocked. And not by the immense nudity, violence, poop, or humor.

I was shocked because this was considered one of the worst movies ever made. What is wrong with people? I had a considerable amount of laughs. The cinematography was good. The writing was good. It wasn't too long and it had 6 million dollars to play with.

Hugh Hefner is in it!

C'mon!

Let this be an important message that professional critics suck and all of them should be wiped off the face of the planet.

I have seen dozens of BAD movies. Movies that are close to unwatchable.

ZAAT (1971)
HOWARD THE DUCK (1986)
ALONE IN THE DARK (2005)

Joe: JAWS 4: THE REVENGE (1987)

I still have flashbacks.

Talon: But even if they are terrible and they make you want to do every drug in the world to help relieve the brain pain... they can still be enjoyed. And shared. Think about it; a group of people put hundreds of hours of work and spent mucho dollars on something just for you to watch.

Grow up and stop whining about it.

Joe: All opinions are valid, and we all have things we don't like. But how much better would the world be if we celebrated what we don't like, rather than threw hate-pies at it?

Hating something doesn't make it bad.

If you don't find something funny, or if you find it offensive, that doesn't mean you should trash it. Our growing adoption of social media has made it increasingly easy for everyone to share their opinions. But just because you can criticize everything doesn't mean you should.

I believe artists should be celebrated, even if you don't like what they're doing. What have you created lately? And if you have created something, how much good will it bring the world if others heap scorn upon you and your creation?

MISS MARCH may not be for everyone. If it isn't for you, that doesn't make it bad.

Talon: It makes you bad.

Joe: Pretty much. I have zero tolerance for intolerant people.

Talon: You should maybe reread that sentence.

Joe: Shut up. I have no tolerance for you.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"This is the best song ever made."
"MPEG is the best rapper alive."

"Best worst movie ever!"

"Wait, this bombed? Why?"
"People suck."

"I wish Hugh Hefner was my dad."
"Same."

"I laughed out loud at least ten times. That's even more than I laughed at Old Yeller."

"Potty humor. Drug humor. Sex humor. Nudity. It's like a Greatest Hits package for adolescent boys."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When the lesbian couple were having sex in the backseat while Tucker and Eugene were driving.

Joe: Horse D*ck Dot MPEG's rap video. It's the rawest, realest parody of hip-hop ever put on film.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes. I squirted milk out my nose and I wasn't even drinking milk.

Joe: Yes. I suggest shotgunning three beers, smoking some good sativa, and taking a shot every time some bodily function is exploited for humor.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. I've shared it infinitely with all my parallel universe selves.

Joe: Yes. This should be watched with a bunch of friends.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes. The songs are incredibly catchy.

Joe: Yes. It's the sign of a good movie if you immediately search for the soundtrack after seeing it.

Talon: Actually, that's the sign of a good soundtrack.

Joe: Your comment offends me. Get out of my house.

Talon: Did you see MISS MARCH? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Do you like long and detailed plot synopses? Or short and quick? Post in the comments! We appreciate your feedback!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about: This movie is actually terrible. It has the longest tittle in the world. Its.... THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECOME MIXED UP ZOMBIES!





MOVIES WE'VE REVIEWED

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Turkish Star Wars (1982)

TURKISH STAR WARS directed by Centin Inanc

Ranked 5.0/10 on IMDB



Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?


Quick Synopsis: 

Talon: Geez. How many adjectives can I use to describe this movie?

Here's a few:
  • Astonishing.
  • Awe-inspiring. 
  • Beautiful.
  • Impressive. 
  • Wondrous.
  • Majestic. 
  • Mind-Blowing.
  • Overwhelming. 
  • Fantastically amazing. 
  • Far-Out. 
  • Orgasmic. 
Okay, maybe not orgasmic, but the first nine are fully spot on. 

Joe: I only have one:
  • Essential.
No lover of great bad movies can miss this one. It's required if you're a film buff.

Talon: I'd die for this movie. You readers might think I'm insane, but would someone insane cut up patches of brown carpet, glue them onto their skin, climb a tree and pretend they're a squirrel?

Joe: I do that at least twice a day.

Talon: I've always wondered why that giant squirrel outside my window looked like you. 

Joe: I'm also our family dog. That's why our dog talks and drinks a lot of beer.

Talon: TURKISH STAR WARS, originally known as Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (The Man Who Saved the World), was directed in 1982 by Centin Inanc. A Turkish film director who had careers in law, erotica, and eventually action movies. Centin is also called "jet director" because he can shoot a whole film in ten days.

Joe: Thank you, Wikipedia.

Talon: Main Cast includes:

Cuneyt Arkin, stars as Cuneyt Arkin. He also deserves credit for writing this brilliant masterpiece. Quick fun facts: He got famous in Turkey for acting, and has been in over 100 movies. He's also played roles with his wife and kids.

This guy is legendary and only people in Turkey know it.

Joe: Plus we know it.

Thank you, Wikipedia.

Talon: The rest of the cast is irrelevant because Arkin is that bad-ass. I mean look at the movie cover. C'mon! Not even Chuck Norris could get his leg into that position without cramping, without crying, or without internally exploding.

That hair, too. This guy obviously had slept with every woman in the world.

Joe: I'd hit that.

Talon: And now we begin.

A long time ago in galaxy far, far away.... TURKISH STAR WARS starts off with the worst stock footage I've ever seen. It's like they used a potato to film. Then they repeatedly loop stolen scenes of the Death Star and ships flying all while explaining the longest info-dump in movie history.

And not a single damn sentence makes sense.

Here's some hilarious examples:

"Space age had been passed, life and time reached to the Galaxy age. Hundreds of thousands years had been passed and Earth and planets system in space turned into the galaxy system. Civilizations and history had become past, mankind started to be contended with a simple life style as in primitive ages."

WTF IS GOING ON?

MY MIND IS EXPLODING.

The narrator continues... "However in some cases Earth had been in disintegrated into parts which fragmented off from the Earth had become meteor rocks in space. On some planets life was still going on."

WHERE DID ALL THIS INFORMATION COME FROM? I'M JUST WATCHING THE DEATH STAR OVER AND OVER.

"A coating which was formed by compressed human brain molecules was protecting the Earth."

AM I ON DRUGS?

"Strongest and greatest two Turkish warriors and other humans sailed into space and declared war to the unknown enemy."

This is the best worst movie ever. Period.

Joe: Something may have been lost in the subtitle translation. But I doubt it.

Talon: So we're introduced to our two heroes and the unknown enemy, which is some man in a mask with spikes around his head. I guess he's a 1000 year old Wizard and his costume is a really effective use of cardboard and glue.

I'm guessing that this film's budget was less than the cost of a Happy Meal.

So the bad guy's plan is to capture a human brain so he can take over the universe.

The good guys, the two Turkish warriors, are here to stop the bad guy.

Simple enough.

After the painful infodump, we watch our heroes sit in front of actual STAR WARS footage and pretend they're pilots shooting at bad guys. It's soo funny. It's soooooo damn funny. I'd pay $30 just to see the first ten minutes. Then it gets 10 times funnier when the INDIANA JONES soundtrack plays while they pretend to blow up bad guys.

Joe: The John Williams SUPERMAN theme is also stolen and overused.

Seriously, the actors are just sitting in chairs in front of rear-projected scenes of STAR WARS. And there are actually edits in the footage behind them. They're supposed to be in cockpits, flying, and the background cuts form one scene to the next.

Maybe the Turks are more forgiving than American audiences.

Talon: Our heroes then get shot out of space and land on a mysterious planet. Besides worrying about famine and thirst--

Joe: Which they should worry about, having landed ten seconds earlier.

Talon: --they're also concerned if it's a planet inhabited only by women.

Joe: Which they should worry about, because parthenogenesis is a cause for worry.

Talon: Then we see footage of the pyramids in Egypt.

And we're back to an info dump about how incredible humanity is, and something about atomic war.

Then they're jumping onto rocks. Arkin is clearly teasing us with the stunts he can pull off.

And then they're whistling a special tune to call out all the woman on the planet. Instead of getting women, they get attacked by skeleton costumes on horses. The fight scenes are incredibly epic. Arkin can jump over horses. Dodge spear attacks. Punch people in the stomach and face. Ride a horse.Throw people over his shoulder. Fall off of a horse.

Then they get caught by robots with guns and are forced to battle villagers for entertainment.

That's what the robots claim, but that doesn't happen.

Instead, we watch robots choke children and murder people until our heroes decide they've seen enough. Which is after about three minutes. Then they kick everyone's ass the exact same way they've kicked everyone else's ass: Block, kick.  punch. Block, grab their arm and throw over the shoulder. Sometimes, they block and punch and throw.

It's good to have some variation.

For a lighthearted movie that seems aimed at kids, this has a lot of violence and murder.

Joe: Kids gotta learn it at some point.

Talon: Next, our heroes quickly get overwhelmed as too many skeletons and robots attack all at once.

Joe: It's a lot like the Super 8 movies I made when I was ten years old. Minus any of my skills.

Talon: Out heroes flee to the safety of a cave inhabited by a woman who takes care of children. The woman is impressed by Arkin.

And now, we got a love story.

This 10/10 film just went to 11/10.

Arkin's only interest with the woman is... that she's a woman.

Makes sense.

And instead of having her talk about her feelings, or having her talk at all, they just stare at each other for long periods of time until someone awkwardly smiles. This happens at least forty times to show they're truly in love.

Joe: This is how it was with your mother. After I fought robots and guys in skeleton costumes, I stared at your mother and you were born.

The only difference is, your mother can talk.

Boy, can she talk.

Talon: And now we're back to the atomic war info dump...

Alright, fine, this movie is back at a 10.

Suddenly, people in furry costumes crawl outta their graves and attack all the civilians hiding in the cave. It's a montage of violence. Women getting red paint on their faces! Men also getting red paint on their faces. We even see a pile of dead children! (It's truly just a bunch of kids lying down with their eyes closed.)

From what I've learned rewatching these scene several times, these guys are the Wizard's army. They kill humans so they can harvest their blood, and feed it to the Wizard to keep him immortal.

Joe:  I thought the 1000 year old wizard needed a human brain.

Talon: You're right. But those people aren't the right "humans" to capture a brain from. I guess they're too primitive for his taste. He needs Arkin's, or his friends, because you know, their brains connect molecules to form a barrier to protect Earth from laser weapons.

Joe: Why isn't our military using this? It's like the Cold War missile gap all over again.

Talon: They escape from the cave, and after seeing the casualties, our Arkin has had enough of the Wizard's sadistic ways. Its time for a work-out montage that makes Rocky Balboa's training look wimpish.

Ready?

Arkin can karate chop a boulder over and over. He can bench press a rock over and over. He can punch a different rock...over and over. Then, karate chop the same rock over and over. To change up his workout, he can punch a different rock. He can even lift a pile of rocks. Then go back to karate chopping another different rock.... over and over. And finally to unleash his pent up rage, he can karate chop a a completely different rock in half just once.

Joe: They spent a good deal of their six dollar budget on paper mache rocks.

Talon: His love interest is very impressed, and she shows it by staring in his eyes and awkwardly smiling.

And he's even a hero to the children, who now practice his punching moves.

I told you, this guy is a legend.

OH WAIT. This workout montage isn't over. Next, he's tied rocks around his ankles, while the INDIANA JONES music is playing. To show his strength, he's jumping on a trampoline over the camera. And again. And again. And then the rocks are gone.

Next cut, he's kicking giant rocks toward a wall, and they're exploding.

I'm speechless.

Joe: I love this movie hard.

Talon: So he goes to a bar, and I guess his friend (Akkaya) is back, and they get ambushed by the Wizard's fiends. After an epic fight scene, the Wizard appears to talk hella trash about the two Turkish warriors, while revealing his plan to destroy the human race. The Wizard even kidnapped the woman Arkin's in love with.

And then they got teleported to his ship.

Enough is enough. Time to wrap up the rest of the movie in a couple paragraphs.

Ready? It's gonna get crazy.

The Wizard wants the men to join him, He offers Arkin the chance to rule the universe if only he sacrifices his brain. He says no. Then the Wizard shows he has the women he loves in captivity. After some rough-housing and punching, we go to Akkaya who's being seduced by the Wizard's queen. Monsters attack him and he ends up fighting them next to Arkin. They get disabled by lasers and are thrown in a pit to be tortured. It doesn't work. Then, while Akkaya is being help captive, Arkin has to battle a monster. Eighty trampoline jumps over the monster later, he kicks his ass.

Take a breath. Still some left to go

So Arkin finds this bad-ass cardboard lightning sword after kicking some ninja ass. Now Arkin is basically superman with this sword so he goes back to the dungeon where the Wizard is keeping Akkaya. After saving Akkaya, Akkaya sees the power Arkin has with his new sword and knocks him out, taking his sword. The drama is real. The Turkish do not mess around. Then the Wizard uses his sneaky wizard powers to be sneaky and get the sword from Akkaya. The Wizard is now superman and he kills Akkaya. Then he throws Arkin, his woman, and child into a jail.

One more breath.

Arkin is soo sick of this Wizard that he melts the sword and a golden brain and turns them into a pair of gloves and boots. Now Arkin is super-superman and he kills about fifty monsters to find the Wizard. It's epic as hell as it really tries to be an action movie.

Then he karate chops the Wizard in half like he did with a rock. And goes home in the Millennium Falcon.

The End.

Joe: Amazeballs.

First Impressions:

Talon: I saw the tittle, and instantly knew this was going to be the best worst movie ever.

Watching it proved me right.

I know it's a cult classic based on being absolutely terrible, and I know it's a bad movie, but I rate movies on how much enjoyment I get outta them. I couldn't stop laughing because the producers actually stole STAR WARS footage and shot new scenes over it. Maybe the plot doesn't make any sense, maybe the acting is bad, maybe the fight scenes are repetitive, but I found all of that hilarious.

I think that's all that matters.

And for a terrible movie, this had a lot of action and conflict, and the main actor Cuneyt Arkin is like Turkey's Tom Cruise, so I can't hate on that.

No headaches were formed during the viewing of this movie, only endless laughter.

Joe: I first saw this back in my VHS tape trading days. It was epic then. It remains epic.

Talon: Here's some of the dialogue my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Is that the Millennium Falcon?"
"I don't think they paid the licensing fee."

"It's like STAR WARS. Only Turkish... And horrible."

"The Turkish name for this is" The Man Who Saved The World." But who's going to save me from this movie?"

"I can't think of a better movie that I'm watching right now."

"He's jumping on the trampoline again..."
"He's hopping mad."

"I wish I was that cool."
"No, you don't."

"Holy cow there's a sequel."
"Shut up and take my money!"

"My favorite part is when we see stolen STAR WARS footage."
"Maybe it isn't stolen. Maybe George Lucas loaned it. I heard he's very good at relinquishing creative control."

"I don't think those are real rocks."
"You've lost your childhood sense of whimsy."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: The workout montage.

Joe: Agreed. But the costumes--most of which are worse than drunk frat boys make the day before Halloween--are a joy to behold.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes. This is funnier than many comedies.

Joe: Absolutely. Because it's the greatest film of all time to use STAR WARS footage other than STAR WARS. I suggest three beers and three shots to make it go down smoother.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. My pet turkey loves this Turkey movie.

Joe: Yes, it lives up to ALL the hype. You need to make everyone you know see this movie.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes. I include it in my STAR WARS movie marathon.

Joe: I've seen it three times. I'll see it many more before death releases me.

Talon: Did you see TURKISH STAR WARS? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? What kind of costumes can you make with cardboard? Post in the comments!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about: It has the best rapper ever, it's a good movie, and it bombed the in the box office. It's...MISS MARCH.


or

Monday, April 17, 2017

The Mildew from Planet Xonader (2016)

THE MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER directed by Giulio De Santi, Neil Meschino

Ranked 6.0/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?


Quick Synopsis:

Talon: The title pretty much explains the whole movie. Hell, the cover, too. It's a infectious killer alien mildew that landed on Earth, and it's on the prowl to melt faces unless you're in a room containing a dehumidifier.

Joe: Just when you thought it was safe to go into the steam room...

Talon: It's nice for once not being deceived by a movie's cover or title. For example, THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION's cover was nothing like the movie... Why does that spider have ten legs? Huh? What? They don't invade anything. They go to the fair. And... best to just read the blog post. 

Directed by Giulio De Santi and Neil Meschino. Two Italians keeping it classic by using tons of make-up, gallons of blood, and very little CGI. An obvious homage to Lucio Fulci, the Italian father of gore.

Joe: Suggested Fulci flicks include Zombie 2, The Beyond, and New York Ripper, where the killer talks like Donald Duck.

I'm not making that up. It's awesome.

Talon: Main Cast includes.

Willmar Zimosa as Toxic. He's a missionary on a quest to be bad-ass.

Edward X. Young as Colonel: Old guy who smokes a lot of cigars and talks about himself and Vietnam.

Mike Keller as Sergeant Brisco. Colonel's go-to man for everything.

Ardis Campbell as Julia Young. Only logical person in the movie. Also, the only woman. Probably not a coincidence.

Lawrence George as Roger. The nice guy scientist.

Rick Haymes as Dr. Matthew Kane. An older bald scientist.

And Chris Gentile as Dave. Another scientist that happens to have limited use of telekinetic powers. Dave and Roger don't get along, I think because of Julia.

The low-budget movie starts off... Awesome? Wait what? A first scene that is actually good? I don't want to tie my eye sockets in a knot and rub them with salt? On this blog?

Yes, it's true. We start off by viewing a scientist in a bio-suit examine a giant infected meteor swarming with green particles of alien mildew that's sitting on the beach. Walking closer, his inferior bio-suit proves it has no chance against the infectious microscopic lifeforms. They penetrates his suit, and the camera cuts to his face melting from the inside outwards in a soupy red and green mush of pure gore epicness.

For any gore fans, or shock lovers out there. This is a must.

Joe: The gore movie, in the tradition of the French Gran Guignol theater, which routinely perfromed plays where actors got their heads cut off and intestines ripped out, was brought to modern cinema by H.G. Lewis and his low budget splatterthon Blood Feast. Though, at the same time in Italy, Mario Bava was hammering spikes into witches faces in Black Sunday.

Bava was the better filmmaker, but Herschel will always have my heart.

Talon: The rest of the movie takes place in Bentan labs during the 80s. Where all the scientists I've mentioned above are working on using the Mildew as a weapon of mass destruction.

So far, so good! And I'm shocked! There's a variety of clean camera movements. Crisp sound. An awesome soundtrack. Gnarly SFX! Fun acting! How is this not a cult hit? How is this not as popular as HOWARD THE DUCK?

Just thinking about that movie makes me want to slam a door into my face.

Joe: I agree 100%. Whenever I think about HOWARD THE DUCK, I want to slam a door in your face.

Also, Xonader is pretty awesome.

Talon: Moving right a long.

The audience is introduced to all the actors by using dialog and plot to further on the story. The conflict begins when we watch a corrupt congressman take a bloody piss in the bathroom, and then do a line of cocaine off the sink..

Little does he and everyone else know: His cocaine had mildew on it.

Alien mildew.

Mildew... from Planet Xonader!

Epic!

He meets back into the lab with the gang, and they discuss how they think the mildew works. Their boss is watching them discuss through a live stream on a TV. You can tell he's the bad guy just by the way he rubs his hands and laughs.

Dave tripped and hit his head earlier so he's passed out onto the ground.

Then, the congressmen, coked off his ass, eyes the corporal puffing away at his cigar and says.

"You know, that stuff will kill you."

A good line that made me laugh. This movie is actually turning out to be enjoyable. If you readers out there are expecting me to play in traffic to help cope with the badness of this film. THINK AGAIN! I think I just might prance in a field of dandelions instead!

Yes. That just happened.

Joe: I wrote a book where one of the characters tried to lose weight by Prancercizing.

Talon: This isn't your writing blog. It's my movie blog.

Joe: I like movies.

Talon: In another lab. A scientist is experimenting what the mildew will do on rats. While holding a tube of green particles, and a rat, the boss watching through a camera sends a signal that makes the rat bite the scientist to drop the mildew. The awesome soundtrack cues right when the vial breaks. Adding to the dramatic effect of the disease spreading.

Roger goes to check on the guy, but quickly leaves the room when he sees the morphed, monstrous rats sucking the blood of the scientist's face.

And now for a pun moment.

Rats... I couldn't think of any.

Those rats aren't very mice.

So the camera stays with the bleeding victim, and military personal suddenly appear to Swiss cheese his body with machine gun bullets, and to stop the spread of the mildew by throwing gas.

Then there's an awesome shot where one of the rats explodes from out the scientist's face. The directors had no shortage of blood to use, so they really just bazooka launched it everywhere.

It's awesome.

And it's just another example on how everyone is eventually going to get infected... Or will they?

Yes.

So while they discuss about the mildew, more specifically Dr. Matthew Kane, on how it leaves a green rash on people, the congressman notices a green wound forming on his hand. Concerned, he hides it away from his peers and scratches it. It pulsates and spreads. In a panic, he rushes to a sink and begins scrubbing away at it.

Dr. Matthew then specifies "And when the spores land on a moist surface, they begin to grow. No moisture, no danger."

The mold is absolutely massive on the congressman now. Spreading on his cheeks, and turning his hands to double their size in what looks like green, packed, wet, blended oatmeal.

It doesn't take too long before his entire face turns into swollen mush. And the blood sprays and streams out his eyes and mouth. Green mildew goop splatters on his shoes. The guy is being digested second by the second, and the only thing that seems to cope his pain is by prying off chunks of scalp with his meaty fingers and by horribly screaming. Not too soon, he's in a green and red chunky soup puddle of himself after his face morphs, forming some weird, alien looking thing.

The others watch in horror. And some guy throws up. Conveniently on passed-out Dave.

Roger is now taking the hero role, and trying to find a isotope that can combat against the mold. He also explains that no one can leave the lab building because they have a duty of not infecting the world with this plague. Then he explains to the gang on how being infected works.

"The dehumidifier should contain the mold from becoming an airborne threat. So, for godsake, no one touch the congressman."

Earlier on Sargent Brisco had shaken hands with the congressman, so now he's also been infected with the mold. Which is pretty damn cool since now Brisco knows exactly what is going to happen to him.

The scene ends and we're in Toxic's POV. He's here to stop the mildew from becoming a weapon. So his main goal is to be a bad-ass soldier, or at least that what the Directors portrayed him as. All Toxic does is talk trash to the soldiers running the lab and then kill them in various ways. Like throwing a chef knife. Punching them. Shooting them. It's not amazing, but its fun. And that's all that truly matters...

Joe: Allow me to interject here for a moment and talk a little about Necrostorm, the studio behind this awesomeness. Their first movie was called ADAM CHAMPLIN, and it's one of the craziest, bloodiest, most insane movies ever made. They're independent, and use crowdfunding to help make their movies, and someone needs to give them a 30 million dollar budget immediately.

Talon: Back to Brisco. He's freaking out about his green hand, so he fires up a frying pan and sizzles his palm.

Joe: I wrote a story about a guy who puts his hand on a burner.

Talon: Scroll up and read the name of this blog.

Joe: Best Worst Movies Ever. I like movies.

Talon: The hand cooking seems to be effective, until Julia explains how the infection went inside his body instead of outwards. So they put him in a separate room.

Fun fact. The movie cover is Sergeant Brisco when he's infected.

Another fun fact. I'm not wearing any pants.

Another fun fact. Somewhere around the world, people are dying.

Joe: That fact wasn't fun at all!

Talon: It's true. People die.

Joe: I meant the one about your pants.

Talon: So Dave wakes up and leaves the lab and flees to another room to have a telecom with the boss. He was involved with infecting everyone in the lab so he can retire early or some other plot twist that I didn't pay attention to. I can't give you all the spoilers...

Roger and Julia go outside the lab to find a treatment for the mildew. Then the sprinklers go off, causing the mildew to spread in the hallways at a rapid pace. Roger and Julia take off their bio suits and rush back to the safe lab.

Dave tries to enter the boss's office but gets his spine ripped out by the mildew monster Toxic was fighting earlier. Zombie Brisco drags Dave to the safe lab because his Colonel told him too. Even infected he's still a dedicated soldier. Then the Colonel interrogates paralyzed Dave by asking him questions and then torturing him. Which is pretty funny because Dave can't feel anything.

Then they find a treatment and its some sort of acid. Roger ends up spraying it on his eyes and it causes him to go blind.

And to wrap it all up. Dave dies. Roger, Julia, Colonel, and Brisco find the boss's room. Break in. Kill the mildew monster. Kill the boss. Colonel dies, and Julia and Roger escape with Toxic.

Then all of Bentan Labs blows up, but not before leaving things open for a sequel.

The end.

Pretty epic if you ask me.

First Impressions:

Talon: I had no idea what to expect which such a tittle. Hmm. Maybe a mildew. From a planet. Called Xonader?

Besides that, the film was actually a lot of fun. Considering I wasn't expecting much. Watching it for a second time was just as fun, too. There's nothing wrong with this movie.

It was low-budget with great gore and splatter moments. Had good jokes. A solid plot. Fun characters. Awesome soundtrack. Tough bad guys.

It wasn't a bad movie at all.

Definitely not something that should be a cult hit for being terrible, or for being one of the worst films ever made. I've seen some bad movies. Some so bad, they've taken years off my young life. My driver's license says I'm 19, but I'm really 56.

It's been a hard road. My doctor says I'm depressed.

Joe: You should try drugs.

THE MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER is one of the Best Worst Movies. It's a fun cult film, drenched in gore, funny as hell, and a great way to kill ninety minutes with your like-minded buddies. You know, the ones your wife hates.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my Dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Epic gore is epic!"

"The congressman is awesome."
"I wish my congressman did blow off a bathroom sink."

"Wait, wouldn't mildew cleaner solve this alien mildew problem?"
"Probably."
"This movie is still cool."

"This is bloodier than Mortal Kombat."

"This was considered one of the worst movies ever?"
"Yep."
"No way."
"Way."
"No way."
"Way."

"I think we say epic and awesome too much."
"Cause it's epicly awesome."
"Touche."

 Best Worst Scene

Talon: When the rat exploded out a scientist's face.  I was so geeked out that I got acne and giant glasses.

Joe: The rat scene. It's insane.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes. If you're a gorehound. Give this a shot.

Joe: Yes. You don't even need any alcohol. Though a few beers might make it even more fun.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. Watch it with your gorehound friends.

Joe: Any guy who likes insane violence will like this. So any guy will like this.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes. I've seen it twice with my gorehound friends.

Joe: Yes. I'll play this every few years, as part of a triple feature with TOXIC AVENGER and STREET TRASH.

Talon: Did you see MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Should we do more good movie reviews? Post in the comments!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, it stole footage from Star Wars, and it was only released in Turkey... it's TURKISH STAR WARS!




MOVIES WE'VE REVIEWED