Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Doctor Gore (1973)

DOCTOR GORE directed by J.G Patterson Jr.

Ranked 3.9/10 on IMDB

BUY THIS MOVIE!

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?


Quick Synopsis:

Talon: I'm surprised I had the chance to even view this. It isn't anywhere! The only two people in the world who seem to own it are my father and some guy selling it used on Amazon. And on Amazon, it's fifty dollars! That's more money than DR. GORE'S entire budget!

There's no Wikipedia, no streams, no torrents, and the director died in 1975, the same year when the stone age began.

So anything known about the director J.G is known by few, Herschell Gordon Lewis and Joe are probably the only ones.

Oh wait, Herschell died last year.

Looks like it's just you, Dad.

Joe: Here's what I know.

Back when I was a kid, before Blockbuster homogenized and sanitized the VHS rental business, there were mom and pop video stores that rented crazy rare movies that I'd never heard of.

This is how I discovered John Waters, Russ Meyer, Ruggero Deodato, Lucio Fulci, Umberto Lenzi, Joe D'Amato, Andy Milligan, Doris Wishman, Chang Cheh, and countless other exploitation directors.

To stand out on the store shelf among thousands of other movies, many cult video manufacturers released big box versions. These were twice as bis as the VHS tapes they contained. HG Lewis was one of the big box crowd. Rare horror movies got me to start collecting the magazine Fangoria, which lead to buying books about movies.

(Note to younger readers: books and magazines were bound collections of paper that stores information. This was how you learned stuff before the Internet.)

In some reference book somewhere I read about an unreleased movie called THE BODY SHOP. This was eventually released on VHS, with an intro by HG Lewis, who worked with the director on a few films.

HG Lewis movies are wonderful, and we're going to review many on this blog. But DR. GORE was like an HG Lewis movie with an even smaller budget, poorer acting, and all around worse filmmaking.

Which makes it one of my favorites. I've seen DR. GORE eight times.

Talon: Main Cast include:

J.G Patterson as Dr.Gore: A mad scientist who lost his wife, quests to re-build himself a new more perfect one.

Roy Mehaffey as Greg the hunchback. His main role is to groan meaningless things, wear an earring, chew on a never lit cigar, and be Dr. Gore's lab assistant.

His other role is to sing country songs at bars.

Yeah, I don't know either.

Joe: I'm not sure that's the same actor. Sure looks like him, though.

Talon: And finally a bunch of underpaid women who were forced to make out with J.G Patterson.

I say forced, because the man's head is shaped like a peanut, his eyebrows aren't level with each other, and his comb-over defies physics. It's like a double comb-over. It makes no sense.

Joe: The guy has more moles than the KGB.

Talon: The navy could use his some of his forehead as an aircraft carrier.

Joe: Last time I saw something that wide it had a license plate on it. Seriously, it was like the tailgate of an '82 Bronco.

Talon: With a run-time of 75 minutes, we start off with a thick strand of hair obstructing the bottom of the camera while it films ducks. The movie then fades to different colors like orange and green, and red.

Joe: I'm pretty sure this film didn't get a 4k restoration.

Talon: Finally, when the camera man was done being distracted by cute fuzzy swimming birdies, we view a funeral and J.G, Patterson grieving, or more like plotting his ultimate master plan of constructing the perfect mate! While this happens, the theme song drills my ear canals with its terrible epicness.

Seriously, when this song isn't playing, it's still playing... IN YOUR BRAIN!

It will never leave your head.

Ever.

So listen to it HERE.

Now we're in Dr. Gore's castle, where you hear lightning sounds but there is no thunderstorm. The footage changes color as well.

Then we're inside in Dr. Gore's lair and we see Greg the hunchback. You can tell he's a hunchback because of the balloon in his sweater. The only thing that happens for a full two minutes is Dr. Gore hanging up his outside jacket, and putting on his lab-coat, all in one take.

I admit. I'm impressed.

Then we see his lab, and it pains me to say this, but ZAAT had a better lab. And it was made two years before this movie.

Joe: I've spent more money at a restaurant than DR. GORE's entire budget. And I'm not even talking about a good restaurant. I'm talking a restaurant where the most expensive menu item is chicken wings.

But DR. GORE does win when it comes to tinfoil.

Talon: Earlier on, Greg and Gore dug up his wife's corpse, which was mostly black footage and Greg sweating, and now she rests on an operating table fully outlined in tinfoil.

Another two minutes is spent putting duct tape on the tinfoil.

Then alligator clips are snapped on precisely on the tinfoil where the woman's nipples are.

Next comes all suspension of scientific disbelief as batteries, roman candles, and sparklers cure death.

They have a ten minute montage of the tinfoil shaking, and someone constantly humming "ohhhhmm" when the electronics turn on. It gets more intense and the tinfoil just catches on fire.

Greg gets ordered to throw her body in the acid bath.

Greg groans and does it.

Then a pretty funny dialog moment, which proves this is the best worst movie ever.

It goes like this.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

Dr. Gore says, "Get that, that might be the door. And put on a coat so they don't know you're a hunchback."

Joe: DR. GORE WTF!!!

Talon: Turns out, it was the door, and two delivery arrive with a giant wood box. One of them asks, "What you got a dead body in there?"

Yes, Mr. Delivery Man. He does.

When they leave, inside the box is a dead body with duct tape over her mouth. How they got the woman, and why she needs duct tape over her mouth when she's dead, are both added on to the list of unsolvable questions of the universe.

They put the bunched up woman down on the table and break apart her rigor mortis. The moment they stop, the girl's body snaps up into a sitting position. Greg the hunchback is so startled that he jumps twelve feet high and clings to a pole.

It's his special hunchback powers.

So Gore cuts off the woman's arms using the arm under the table trick, and saves them in a freezer to be put on some other torso.

The next victim has the hands Gore wants. This takes place at a restaurant, or... mostly in front a black screen.

And look! There's Greg? Normal and on stage singing?

Yep. For a full song too.

Joe: IMDB says it is two different actors, Bill Hicks the singer and Roy Maheffey the hunchback, but they sure so look alike. And I can't find any info on either of them anywhere. So, in my reality at least, they're the same guy.

Talon: Gore now suddenly has superpowers and he hypnotizes a woman using the power of widening his eyes. They make out and he poisons and locks her onto his operating table using only one strip of duct tape.

Joe: He's got it all figured out.

Talon: When she can't escape from a single, thin piece of sticky plastic, Gore slices off her hands and throws them into the freezer as well. She passes out from pain and I don't remember what happened to her next.

Gore then gets eyes. Then legs. Then a torso  I think.

Who knows, or cares.

Joe: I care! I care a lot!

Talon: During all this, Greg is drinking cheap booze that he keeps in the body parts fridge, while sweeping up nothing.

And then; two legendary scenes.

A sudden knock at the door while Gore is stitching up body parts. It's footage of a cop talking into a camera from an entirely different setting shot at an entirely different time.

Cop says, "You're not doing anything illegal are you?"

Dr. Gore responds, "No, I'm a doctor."

"Oh, have a nice day."

AMAZING! 10 out of 10!

It gets better! Gore walks down a flight of stairs and the timing of his footstep sounds are so bad it makes you laugh out your nose.

Listen to the song again? HERE.

So Dr. Gore finally creates his soul-mate: A dumb blonde who can speak English, but needs to be taught ABCs and how to love men. Greg is forbidden from seeing her since she'll get attached to any man she sees.

So Gore and the underpaid actress make-out and have romantic picnics. They dance and run across hills and through trees. They hold hands and make-out so more.

And the next scene the blonde stumbles upon Greg sweeping up nothing in the basement. She instantly hugs him because she's brainwashed to love men. Dr. Gore catches them and his insane jealousy makes him throw acid at Greg's face, which makes it look like strawberry jelly.

This was so effective that the lab begins to explode. And as Greg collapses onto the edge of the acid bath, Dr. Gore strikes him right in the hump with an axe, sending him into the bubbling water... I mean acid.

Poor Greg.

How does this movie end?

Abruptly.

Because when you don't have enough footage you replay old footage.

So that's what they did, and somehow Dr. Gore ends up in jail, and his wife ends up seducing other men throughout the area.

And the film finally ends with, you guessed it... the main theme song.

You can listen to it again HERE.

First Impressions:

Talon: I love this movie. Being made in the 70s with the budget of a Happy Meal, J.G. Patterson Jr. does a fine job showcasing terrible SFX, terrible acting, terrible writing, terrible sets, terrible sound, terrible music, terrible cinematography, and pretty much everything else. 

Like I said in my Twenty Second Film Review, this movie is underrated. It should be named a classic along the lines of Herschel Gordon Lewis's BLOOD FEAST. But! I wouldn't say it's fifty dollars enjoyable.

Joe: I would pay $50 for this. Hell, yeah.

Talon: DR. GORE didn't make me want to bash my skull into a pile of tacks, or pour sulfuric acid into my corneas. It just made me laugh out loud with its terribleness.

Truly, one of the best worst movies ever.

Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Best use of tin foil ever!"

"Look. Someone lit a roman candle behind the fake equipment."

"Best theme song ever."

"And now we get to watch this underpaid actress make out with this nerdy pervert."

"He cut out her eyes so she can't scream."
"Makes sense."

"That's pretty good make-up."
"No it's not."
"I couldn't do that."
"That doesn't mean it's good."

"How many locks are on that door?"

"See if there's life."
"See if there's a focus knob on the camera"

"This movie is only 75 minutes."
"That's still too long."


Best Worst Scene

Talon: The badly timed dubbing when Dr. Gore walks down the stairs.

Joe: The theme song. Which is an uncredited, unathorized version of My Favorite Things from THE SOUND OF MUSIC, coupled with a Casio organ on repeat and the sugar and spice nursery rhyme.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, it's rare and classic. It's so bad it'll make you laugh.

Joe: Yes. You'll need an espresso and seven beers and two shots. And weed. Hella weed.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes, I have to. It isn't anywhere.

Joe: Yes. This needs a Blu Ray release, pronto.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: I have. The second time was just as enjoyable as the first.

Joe: This should be required viewing for anyone who loves bad movies. This is the Holy Grail.

Talon: Did you see DR. GORE? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Are you made of sugar and spice and everything nice? Post in the comments!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, truly one of the worst films ever made, it has attacking birds, it has an epidemic, its... BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR!



or
RENT THIS MOVIE!

If you haven't already, check out our WHAT THIS BLOG IS ABOUT post here!!!

MOVIES WE'VE REVIEWED

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Leeches (2003)

LEECHES directed by David DeCoteau

Ranked 2.6/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Before I indulge on how gay this movie turned me, I'd like to state that LEECHES was bad for reasons other than the non-stop homoerotic imagery.

Also, I'm now gay.

Joe: I'm pretty sure I am, too. This was a 90 minute barrage of young, hot, muscley twink guys flexing while stroking their own hairless chests.

Talon: Twink?

Joe: Google it. Probably NSFW.

Moving on, I give LEECHES major props for the role reversal. It's about time someone objectified men in a film the same way women have been depicted since, well, film was invented. Slow motion, endless shower scenes, the camera treating these guys like it is caressing every inch of their toned bodies.

But unapologetic queer soft porn aside, LEECHES was terrible.

Or, more on point, LEECHES sucked.

Talon: It sucked a lot. Pun intended.

I can't remember a single scene in the movie where a guy didn't have his shirt off, wasn't half-naked rubbing his chest and marbled abs with soap, wasn't showering with a group of guys, wasn't flexing their arms, wasn't wearing revealing shorts....

Joe: Finding it erotic is nothing to be ashamed of. All men have a curious, experimental stage in their lives. It lasts from age 14, until about 60.

Talon: You want a quick synopsis?

Directed by David DeCoteau, who ha produced and directed over 90 motion pictures in the past twenty-five years. Pretty impressive. But, as the famous saying goes, quantity does not equal quality.

Joe: My first DeCoteau film was CREEPAZOIDS, which I saw when I was 18. Recently, he has completed 90210 SHARK ATTACK and BIGFOOT VS. DB COOPER.

I'm going to have to begin a David DeCoteau film collection, because this man is awesome.

Talon: Main cast includes:

Matthew Twining as... Matthew I guess.

Josh Henderson as Josh.

Stacey Nelson as Stacey.

I'm not even sure how to properly explain the characters since I have no idea who's who, and neither does Wikipedia or IMDB and there's no way in hell I'm watching the movie again.

Joe: Just give the basic rundown. No one is watching this for the plot. They're watching for the young, ripped, hot men in Speedos with gooey, bratwurst-sized leeches slithering over their hairless bodies.

David DeCoteau deserves some sort of award for doing an entirely new kind of movie. And this was 2003, before queer was cool.

Or maybe it was always cool, and I wasn't paying enough attention.

Talon: So there's a swim team and they're all doing steroids. Cue the endless the slow-mo shots of sculpted guys swimming and flexing. And more footage of shirtless men. And then the shirtless men swim and horse around. And then they shower. The plot starts when there's a get together at a pond and shirtless men swim and flex in front of the camera, and when they leave the water, rubber leeches have latched on their shirtless bodies.

Did I mention they were shirtless?

Joe: Really? I had not noticed.

Talon: That's the whole movie! Now the viewers perhaps were too distracted by all the men's hard nipples and perfect butts to pay attention to the barest hint of a plot, but apparently some of the hot guys are taking performance enhancing drugs.

Joe: Viagra?

Talon: The other kind. Steroids. Somewhere in the story--I lost track because of the non-stop barrage of man boob--we discover that they are using, and now its time for the super giant rubber leeches to attack.

Common suspenseful tricks used by the director are:
  • Dragging an inanimate rubber leech across the floor with fishing line. 
  • Showing the leech's steamy, gooey nest. 
  • More rubber things getting dragged by obvious fishing line. 
  • A weird background heartbeat that happens later on when we see shirtless men showering and the viewer is in POV of the jacked-up leeches.
  • Strobe lights, and lots of them.
  • Ripped young beefcake oblivious that rubber leeches are sneaking up, even though they no doubt can see whomever is pulling the fishing line.
Joe: I think the heartbeat sound was the director getting excited.

Talon: When the leeches finally attack it's truly the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

Which means it's awesome.

When the dragged giant leech is finally close enough to suck on the oblivious swimmer, and the viewer hears the director's heartbeat, the once inanimate rubber leech turns into a hand-puppet-leech that gropes the swimmer's body while undulating seductively. It takes a full minute of caressing the firm swimmer's leg before he finally notices, and when he does the shot turns into a back-and-forth of strobe lights, epileptic flashing of the leech's mouth, and the swimmer writhing his half naked body until he dies. From, apparently, a few small wounds.

Joe: Sometimes one leech suddenly turns into three or four.

Talon: Amazing.

And it doesn't stop there. One of the scenes, a guy goes to bed in his tight boxers with his ass propped toward the ceiling.

When I heard the director's heartbeat, I knew exactly what was going to happen next.

Yes. It went there.

Joe: We weren't kidding about the gay thing.

Talon: So after more people die in showers, and the movie continues padding out the running time, one of the guy's girlfriends creates a plan to stop these seizure inducing inanimate rubber leeches.

Joe: I dunno if any of the actors were queer, but I don't recall any of the characters being queer, so they all had girlfriends. Which was harder for me to believe than them being attacked by rubber sausages on strings. These guys were too cute to be straight. And they dressed too well.

Talon:  The few times they were dressed.

Ready for the ending?

They rig a swimming pool to get electrocuted by a switch. One of the shirtless swimmers gets into the pool as bait for the leeches. The plan? The master-baiter is supposed to hop out just in time before a guy and his girlfriend zap the pool.

Joe: Good pun.

This is the point where I suspended disbelief. I accepted the giant leeches on steroids. I accepted the sad special effects. I accepted that the movie prompted me to download Grindr and start looking for bears--

Talon: Bears?

Joe: Google it. NSFW.

But what I couldn't accept is their plan to kill the leeches. The girl goes to a circuit breaker, shuts it off, and then sticks some extension cords into the pool, ready to turn on the juice when the leeches are in there, with apparently no awareness of the whole point of a circuit breaker; it breaks the circuit.

Talon: And that's the part you couldn't accept?

So the ingenious plan is going fine, right when they're about to flip the circuit, the head coach attacks them in unnecessary slow motion.

They kill the coach, yell, "Throw the switch!" and fry the bait guy.

R.I.P, bait guy.

Joe: R.I.P, bait guy.

Talon: Then, twist ending! The supposed cute hero science nerd is actually the one who created the leeches because the script said so.

The end.

Yeah. You just read that.

First Impressions:

Talon: Since we follow are watch it, share it, re-watch it slogan. I’ve shared LEECHES with a dear friend of mine, Dante. We’ve been buddies since Kindergarten and he enjoys movies, good and bad, just as much as the rest of us do.

I’d like to introduce him as our first guest film reviewer.

Dante, tell us some of your first impressions while watching.

Dante: The fact that this came from someone’s head is awesome.

Talon: In what ways? On how brilliant it is?

Dante: While the leeches were attacking the swimmers no one attempted to call the police. Definitely stupid!

Talon: I think if the police were to come, they’d be shirtless and instead of using guns, they’d have spanking devices. “Ooo, I’m gonna have to teach you leeches what happens when you break the law.”

Spank, spank.

Awesome.

Joe: You guys forgot that the cops came at the end. Well, they didn't actually show up, but there were sirens and flashing red and blue lights. And then the two surviving characters, who had those flashing blue and red lights in their faces, made plans to leave the scene of multiple homicides and go sleep together.

Which I've done so many times at homicide scenes that I've lost count. Who wants to talk to cops anyway?

Talon: So, Dante, did you appreciate all the male eye candy the director showed you?

Dante: I couldn’t get enough of all the smooth skinned half naked twinks. I laughed every time a leech jumped four feet onto a victim's face and the actor was clearly holding the leech to their face. Remember when those two creamy white hairless men died and were never brought up again in the film?

Talon: No, I don’t remember. Those leeches sure are dangerous. I’m glad I know their one and only true weakness….

Dante: What’s that?

Talon: Stepping on them. Alright, Dante, one last question and I think this about wraps up our quick interview. Are you--

Dante: Yes, I am gay after watching this majestic movie.

Talon: I’m happy for you, buddy. Thanks for being apart of our review.

Dante: You’re welcome.

Talon: We'll call you when we review another DeCoteau flick.

So, past all half naked men, crummy spfx, leech groping, and a plot that made no sense and that left it hanging for a sequel...

This movie was awesome.

Putting the DVD in, I knew the movie was going to be about giant leeches murdering people, which isn't as insane as it sounds. Think of SHARKNADO for example. But I didn't expect half of it being a gay soft porn film.

Joe: Technically it isn't gay soft porn. There aren't any queer folks making out or having sex. DeCoteau has created his own genre here. It's male cheesecake horror.

Talon: Which is hilarious in a sort of charming way. And the scenes when the giant rubber leeches leap from the ground and attack are also hilarious. So it's like two really stupid things happening in the same movie.

Joe: Everyone knows leeches have a Jordanesque vertical jump.

Rewatching a few scenes to get some quotes, I was struck by two things. First, the acting is actually pretty good. Second, the writing and directing are competent.

What makes this a best worst movie is the low budget, the silly premise, and the in-your-face constant parade of shirtless hairless naked young men.

It's a decently done, yet ridiculous movie. And it's enjoyable as hell.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"I just turned gay."

"So... this is just buff guys gyrating in slow motion?"
"No. Sometimes it isn't slow motion."

"Dude had to flex his pecs before he spoke."
"If I had pecs like that I would, too."

"I hate when I trip over nothing and then giant rubber leeches attack."

"Leeches have strobe lights?"
"I think half the budget was strobe lights."

"Oh look, another guy showering."

"The killer leeches' only weakness is if you step on them."
"That is also my weakness."

"Slowly but surely, the director stripped the scientist's shirt off."

"Hot nerdy science guy has a beaker full of suspiciously familiar white goop and is poking at it."

"Why is his shirt off?"
"You don't know at this point?"

"Best shower scene since PSYCHO."

"This movie saved money on not buying shirts."

"I'm hungry. Up for some bratwurst?"
"Sure. Let me take my shirt off first."

"He died like he lived. Shirtless."

"Damn, I need to hit the gym."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When the thin men had their shirts off.

Joe: It's a tie. When the coach eats one of the giant leeches is epic, or the multiple shots of the egg sack. Which was a bulging, sort of wrinkled sack with two big pulsating balls in it and--I'm not kidding--a few dangling curly hairs.

Subliminal or intentional? You decide.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, I even encourage it if you're a male and prefer the opposite sex.

Joe: Yes. But it'll help if you have four beers and two shots. No espresso needed; this film isn't boring at all.

Dante: Yes. But only if you're in the mood for crazy strobe lights and funny special effects.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes, I have already with Dante. We laughed together. It was fun.

Joe: Yes. I'm now a DeCoteau fan and will seek out more of his work.

Dante: Yes. It was more fun than I thought it would be.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes, in eighty years and my old age has rotted my cerebral cortex and its decision making ability.

Joe: It made me appreciate two things. First, that women must feel like this every time they watch a film where the female leads are only there to be eye candy. Second, I'm glad queer guys can ogle at a horror movie like straight guys have been doing for decades.

Dante: Yes, whenever I am feeling promiscuous.

Talon: Did you see LEECHES? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Are you sexually confused? Post in the comments!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, has the best soundtrack ever,  made in the 70's and is one of our favorite bad movies, its... DR. GORE


Wednesday, February 1, 2017

The Room (2003)

THE ROOM directed by Tommy Wiseau

Ranked 3.5/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: I think I'm having a nerdgasm right now.

Tommy Wiseau is a marble-sculpted living legend who directs, produces, writes, and stars in his own movies.

Er, I mean movie. He's only made one so far.

He also has his own underwear company, his own sitcom, and his own production company called Wiseau-Films.

I'm wearing his brand underwear right now. It fits in all the wrong places, and for some reason I want to play catch with a football.

Joe: Fair warning before we get into this blog; I've seen THE ROOM seven times, and I will never watch the Academy Awards again for snubbing Wiseau.

Oh hi, Talon.

Talon: Main Cast are:

Tommy Wiseau as Johnny.

Greg Sestero as Mark. In real life, Greg wrote a book named THE DISASTER ARTIST about Tommy Wiseau and all the insane things he would do on set: Replacing crews. Reshooting a scene until it was perfect in his way. Filming the same scene over and over on different indoor sets. Changing the script multiple times. Constantly forgetting his lines to the point where most of the movie is dubbed. Constant rewrites. Shooting on green screen even though locations were perfectly acceptable (Wiseau insisted that real movies have green screen.)

In THE ROOM, Mark is Johnny's best friend.

We know this is true because they say it a lot, and they play catch and jog together at awkward times like all best friends do.

Joe: They even play catch while jogging together.

Having seen this film so many times, I'm pretty sure Wiseau is either from another planet, or was born in a science lab where he didn't meet any other people until he was forty. I mean this as the highest possible compliment; he approaches filmmaking like someone who is observing the human race for the first time and trying to understand it. There is simply no other writer/actor/director like Wiseau.

Talon: Juliette Danielle as Lisa. Johnny's fiance.

And Philip Haldiman as Denny. Some kid that lives in the same apartment building. His role is to barge into Johnny's home unexpectedly, say how pretty Lisa is, and then say he has to go.

Fun Fact: Every single guy in this movie who talks to Lisa, always compliments how pretty she is.

Joe: Fun Fact #2: Everyone who visits the apartment stays for around a minute and then says they have to go. I'm guessing because Wiseau wanted the scene to be over, and decided it was time for those characters to leave. But it happens so often it becomes surreal.

Oh, hi Talon.

Talon: Oh, hi Joe.

Joe: How about a game of catch?

Talon: It's what people do and it is a lot of fun, but let's get through this blog post first.

With a six million(!) dollar budget and a run time of 99 amazing/agonizing/life-changing/spectacular/ minutes, the film starts off with Johnny coming home from work and giving Lisa a new red dress. Then they're about to make some sweet, sweet belly button love--don't worry I'll explain-- but Denny barges into their house.

Oh hi, Denny.

So Denny wants to watch them make love, which everyone thinks is funny, but he leaves and so begins the best sex scene of all time.

It has it all.

Pillow fights. Johnny humping her belly slowly and passionately. Seriously, dude is going at it about seven inches too high. It's missionary style without the sex part.

Tossing rose pedals on Lisa's boobs.

More anatomically incorrect missionary.

More rose pedals.

Even more pillow fights.

Then it's the morning and Johnny has to go to work.

After seeing Denny several more times to talk about pretty Lisa is, and then seeing Lisa's mom a bunch of times to discuss how Lisa has security with Johnny and she lives a good life, the plot somehow morphs into Lisa not loving Johnny anymore, but loving his best friend, Mark! Holy betrayal! After all, we've been told a zillion times that Mark is Johnny's best friend! And Johnny is so good to Lisa! What's going on?!? Oh my god!

Oh hi, Denny.

Oh hi, Joe.

Joe: Oh, hi Talon. Ha-ha-ha.

Talon: Tommy Wiseau has an amazing laugh. It sounds like a three burst soft cough, and he does it more times than saying "hi Denny."

Oh hi, Joe.

Ha-ha-ha.

Joe: Ha-ha-ha.

Talon: You really need to hear it. It's like he doesn't know how to act like a human being.

Joe: Another vote for the alien/science experiment hypothesis. He can't act like a person.

Talon: He can't act, period. He's unable to perform the lines he wrote himself.

Joe: And yet, he's probably the only one who could perform the lines he wrote himself.

Talon: So Mark doesn't want to betray his best friend Johnny, but he eventually caves in to Lisa's seductive sex talk. They finally make out on the spiral stair case, while the soundtrack plays "You are my rose, you are my rose, you are my rose" so many times that it will take over your mind for weeks afterward. Then Mark humps her knee.

Both Mark and Johnny can't seem to find the vagina. Maybe that's why Lisa's having these tantrums.

The rest of the movie is:

Lisa seeing Mom.

Lisa seeing Denny, who's now in love with her.

Lisa seeing Mom.

Lisa getting drunk with Johnny on what seems to be scotch and vodka.

Lisa seeing Mom and saying Johnny hit her.

Oh hi, Joe.

Mom saying she has cancer, and it never being mentioned again.

Johnny saying hi to a doggie.

Denny getting accosted by a drug dealer.

Lots of green screen rooftop meetings.

Lots of catch.

This movie is hilarious. After a bunch more sub-plots that never get resolved, bad writing, bad acting, scenes where they play catch with a football.... I'm serious, they all get together and play catch several times. The ending comes down to Lisa sleeping with Mark again and she sleeps with Johnny again. I lied earlier about Johnny's first sex scene being the best.

This is the best one, when Johnny goes for round two. You ready? It went like this.

Pillow fights. Johnny humping her belly slowly and passionately.

Tossing rose pedals on Lisa's boobs.

More missionary.

More rose pedals.

Even more pillow fights.

Joe: This was exactly what the movie needed; another endless sex scene that is almost identical to the previous one.

Talon: Eventually, Johnny gets suspicious about Lisa cheating on him like when he hears Lisa talking how she doesn't love him anymore, and later on Johnny and Lisa are arguing and he yells out the most famous line in the whole movie, "You're tearing me apart, Lisa!"

Joe: Wiseau is a James Dean fan. Oh, hi Talon.

Talon: Oh hi, Joe.

Ha-ha-ha.

Denny is still being Denny, and at some point there's a sub plot scene where he's involved with buying drugs which is the pinnacle of dramatic conflict.

But I'm sticking with the main plot. So Lisa throws Johnny a surprise birthday party, because that's what you do when you hate your boyfriend and want to leave him for his best friend. At the party Johnny announces he's expecting but that never comes up again. Then the audience finds out through Lisa's friend and some random guy that Lisa lied to Johnny about being pregnant. Then the random guy says the funniest thing I've ever heard.

"I feel like I'm sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off."

Ha-ha-ha.

Yes, Random Guy, I understand completely that you're feeling that intense about Lisa lying to Johnny, especially when this is your first scene in the movie.

Too funny.

So Mark, being Johnny's best friend, decides to make out with Lisa at the party and Johnny catches him. Then they brawl and it went like this:

Johnny pushes Mark. Then they grab each other by the shoulder and Johnny pushes him again and says, "Do not touch me mahdder foccker!"

And now, for the grand finale. The party is over, Lisa and Johnny are fighting. She calls Mark and he doesn't want to be Johnny's friend anymore. He only wants Lisa. So she leaves and Johnny has his climactic angsty breakdown.

Destroying mirrors. Messing up the bed. Knocking off picture frames. Opening drawers and dumping out clothes. He calms down a bit, and rests on the floor where he finds the red dress he bought Lisa in the beginning. Smelling it, he then rubs his crotch with the fabric and groans with resentment. Then screams, "Why! Why did this happen to me? Why! Why Lisa."

After ripping the dress, the movie only has a few minutes left. It has all built up to this very moment.

Johnny opens a jewelry box and reveals... a handgun.

After yelling more "Why Lisa. Why!" Johnny puts the gun in his mouth and shoots himself. Then Lisa and Mark gather round his body asking if he's dead after shooting himself in the head.

Best Worst Movie Ever.

The end.

First Impressions:

Talon: This movie amazed me in a bad way. I've seen this twice before we created this blog, and each time I was still shell-shocked on how Tommy Wiseau spent six million to create this terrible film. This drama had me laughing like it was a comedy. Tommy's even said his one of his inspirations is Alfred Hitchcock.

I definitely got the same vibe from THE ROOM as I did with PSYCHO.

So that's why Tommy's one of my favorite directors and its why I bought his Tommy Wiseau underwear. Wearing it everyday has improved my life. I laugh like him. I play catch. I have a best friend named Mark and we go jogging together. While playing catch.

Joe: Oh, hi Mark.

Talon: Alright, in all seriousness

I feel like I'm sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off.

This movie isn't good. It didn't make me want to punch the TV like JAWS 4 did, or fall asleep like ZAAT. I had a fun time viewing it alone, and with friends and family. Treat it like its a Rocky Horror Picture show and it's hilarious.

Even with the worst thing ever created, people have found a way to wring joy outta it.

Awesome.

Joe: THE ROOM has ROCKY HORROR type screenings around the country on a continuous basis, and Wiseau sometimes attends and answers questions. I haven't gone to one of these yet, but it's on my bucket list.

There has never been another movie like this. It will blow you mind.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Oh, hi Denny."

"How come you and I never played catch like that?"
"You're right. I failed as a parent."

"Yeah, that's how you record a phone line. With a cassette tape."
"What the hell is a cassette tape?"

"You're tearing me apart, Lisa!"
"Oh hi, Denny."
"Ha-ha-ha."

"What country is Wiseau from?"
"Alpha centauri."

"Oh, hi doggie."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: There's a lot, but I'm going with the second Johnny and Lisa sex scene.

Joe: The rooftop scene where they confront Denny about his drug problem.

Watch it? 

Talon: Absolutely. I've seen it twice. Each time just as hilarious.

Joe: Yes. You won't need any espresso, and this movie can even be enjoyed without any beer. Which is a first for this blog.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes, my pet fish Larry liked it. Along with my friends. We quote it to each other all the time.

Joe: Yes. But you don't have a pet fish. If you did, you'd need to name him Tommy. Or Johnny. Or Denny. Or Doggie. Back to the point; everyone in the world needs to see this movie.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes, I would watch again with anyone who hasn't seen it.

Joe: I think I'm going to watch it right now...

Talon: Did you see THE ROOM? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? What could you do with six million dollars? Post in the comments!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, they suck literally and figuratively, they're giant, it should be classified as soft gay porn, it's... LEECHES!


Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Hobgoblins (1988)

HOBGOBLINS directed by Rick Sloane

Ranked 2.3/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Almost as prolific as John S. Rad from DANGEROUS MEN, Rick Sloane directed, wrote, camera'd, and edited all of HOBGOBLINS with a budget of only 15 thousand dollars.

Either the guy likes doing all that, or the lack of funds limited him from hiring good people to make a movie with. Quick glance at Wikipedia, Rick has never made a movie without writing the screenplay himself. Usually when someone is creative and self-disciplined and professional in various categories, they refer to themselves as a Polymath.

Rick could refer to himself as a Polyfail.

Joe: Hey, be nice! We're here to celebrate movies, no matter how painful they are to sit through.

Talon: Carrying on.

Main Cast includes:

Paige Sullivan as Amy: A goody two shoes.

Tom Bartlett as Kevin: A shy average white guy in jeans with one main goal. Impressing his girlfriend, Amy. So he takes a job as a security guard at an old movie studio.

That'll win her heart...

Joe: It won my heart. I'd do him.

Talon: Jeffrey Culver as Mr. McCreedy. He's an old wise man and the head security guard at the old studio, because defunct studios need full time security. His acting is pretty bad, but the way he runs is worse. It's something a combination of waddling penguin and a galloping horse.

Just for that alone, HOBGOBLINS is one of my favorite bad movies.

Joe: The actor is around 103 years old and made to run constantly. It gave me hope that someday there will be a geriatric Olympics. I'm just south of 50 myself, so I'm not saying this out of ageism, but I'd kill to see a bunch of old folks do the 100 hurdles.

Why should sports be squandered by the young?

Talon: Steven Boggs as Kyle: A high-waisted shorts-wearing dork. He spends most of the time using Kevin's house phone to talk to a sex line.

Joe: Ah, the good old days before the Internet.

Talon: Billy Frank as Nick. He's a soldier, but the movie perfectly showcases that Nick knows nothing about being a soldier.

Kelly Palmer as Daphne. She's a blonde, and having sex with her army boyfriend Nick is the only thing that runs through her mind.

The movie starts off super scary.  A young security guard named Dennis working for the old studio gets warned by McCreedy not to walk downstairs and enter the vault.

Five seconds later, Dennis enters the vault, and is suddenly on stage singing to a crowd like a rockstar.

Joe: Why does a studio have a vault? That's one of the many thoughtful puzzles HOBGOBLINS presents to the viewer without explanation.

Talon: As you can guess from the title of the movie, Hobgoblins are inside the vault, and their main harm is making fantasies come true, and then killing you while you're under their influence. I know. I know. It's dumb.

By the way, the movie doesn't reveal this until the middle of the film. So I was left confused as hell, not knowing what in tarnation was going on.

Joe: That's because you aren't familiar with Shakespeare. The Merchant of Venice was about Hobgoblins hiding in a vault in a derelict movie studio who kill you while making you fantasize about your fondest wishes.

You need to read up on your classics.

Talon: So with a 15 thousand dollar budget they kill Denis in a creative way.... He stage dives and lands head first into the ground. Which, now that I think about it, isn't really that bad of a way to die. I'd happily die being controlled by a hobgoblin while I'm living my own fantasy of skydiving and having sex at the same time.

Joe: It was this point in the movie where I was actively considering stage diving off of my chair just so I wouldn't have to watch anymore

Talon: By this point the movie lost all its credibility, which meant instead of trying to figure out what was going on I just rolled with whatever Polyfail showed me.

Including the greatest fight scene of all time. Maybe even better than DANGEROUS MEN'S fight scene.

Like a full two-minute repetitive rake fight between Kevin and Nick. On each hit, the movie blasts us with a synthesized DON!

It went like this: Nick is a soldier, who comes home from base and teases Kevin in front of Amy and her friends about not being able to fight. So in order for Kevin to prove himself, they do what all men would do; pick up a few rakes and swing them at each other.

Kevin and Nick both hold rake handle as if they were pushing a shopping cart. Then the fight begins. It consists of them clacking the rakes together in a sort of push-fight.

They circle each other in front of Amy's house on her lawn.

DON!

More circling.

DON!  

Pause.

DON!

Circling.

DON!

Pause.

DON!

DON!

DON!

That continues for a while, until Nick wins because he's the first to actually swing the rake, not clack it like a moron. It was so unexpected that wood connects to Kevin's stomach and knocks him down.

Joe: Better than the DANGEROUS MEN fight. Maybe even better than the blonde mullet fight in DEADLY PREY.

Talon: Nick clearly proved was a soldier, and he celebrates his victory by having sex with Daphne in his van. Kevin, rubbing his sore stomachm gets lectured by Amy about not being good enough, and in the background Nick's bouncing van is making funny BOING! sound effects.

Joe: Which was genuinely hysterical. Props to Rick Sloane for getting some intentional laughs. There are movies that are supposed to be entertaining, and are accidentally entertaining, and HOBGOBLINS is both.

Talon: The plot eventually swirls down to the hobgoblins attacking Kevin's friends with fantasies, right after McCreedy warns Kevin that the hobgoblins will attack his friends with fantasies. This happened because while Kevin was on the job a burglar entered the studio for whatever reason.

Joe: He was obviously looking to steal an abandoned sound stage. You can pawn those things for serious cash.

Talon: Tracking down the burglar, Kevin accidentally stumbles upon the vault filled with hobgoblins. McCreedy realizes this, and we have a hilarious scene of him running, and then closing the vault just in time before Kevin got sucked into his own fantasies.

Yeah, I don't know either.

An info dump later, the hobgoblins are attracted to bright light, and in the whole state of California these puppets go to Amy's house cause she's throwing a party with bright lights.

Makes sense.

Kevin quickly realizes the horrors his friends might have to deal with so he rushes over there.

More of the movie later, one of them gets the dork, Kyle. That's a whole scene.

And another gets Amy, and here's the ending.

Ready?

Her fantasy was being a stripper so that's where the gang heads. The hobgoblins follow them there, and eventually get Nick. Since he's a soldier his fantasy is being in war so he starts blowing up the joint with grenades. Then the whole place goes insane. People making out with each other. Some explosions. Hobgoblins roaming around, and it's so obvious there's a hand puppetting them it hurts my face.

They kill all the hobgoblins, Nick catches on fire from a grenade and dies, and Kevin gets the chance to redeem himself with Amy when they drive back to the studio. Kevin encounters the same burglar from earlier, but this time Amy is watching, and this time there's nunchucks.  

Yes, it has the DONS!

And yes it's terrible.

Plot twist? The robber was a fantasy of Kevin's mind, and before Kevin gets shot, McCreedy kills the hidden Hobgoblin like a boss. And he does it with a revolver he's never used the twenty plus years he's been working as a guard.

Then they blow the studio up. Kevin wins the girl. Nick comes back to life, and McCreedy gets his revenge on his boss.

The end.

First Impressions:

Talon: My parents had watched this without me. I was busy with enjoying my time, not wasting it. Placing the disc in, I expected something funny. After all, I heard both of them laughing, and both told me this was hilarious.

The whole idea is completely stupid and it makes me want to have a fantasy of castrating myself. The acting is bad. It isn't realistic at all.  A lot of it can be cut.

Despite all this, I still laughed like crazy, and I still liked it. For the budget they did a good job. I actually expected less with the budget they had, so that's a positive.

This movie is like dating someone ugly on the outside and ugly on the inside but you do it because ugly people need love too.

Joe: The hobgoblin scenes were astounding. The first shot of them--four obvious dolls riding on a golf cart--is one of the greatest monster introductions in motion picture history. These aren't CGI. They aren't animatronic. They aren't even puppets. They're four lifeless dolls on a cart, in an extended tracking shot.

Awesome.

And the movie kept the awesome going. No one seemed to be taking themselves seriously, including the director, and it never lapsed into mind-numbing boredom like ZAAT.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"You know he's a soldier because of his camo tank top."

"My car cost more than this movie."

"The hobgoblins make you fantasize."
"I fantasize about never watching this again."

"With more money, better special effects, a script rewrite, and some quicker editing, this would still be terrible."

"Is that a hobgoblin doll?"
"No, that's the actual hobgoblin."

"It's like Gremlins, without a single thing that made Gremlins great."

"Mad respect for the gaffer. He must have invested in colored lights."

"I looked it up. There's a sequel. It's $50."
"I'm all in."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: The two-minute rake fight scene. They should've used professional stunt men.

Joe: The bar scene climax. All of those hobgoblins dolls being shaken to look like they were actually alive. It made me happy.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, for it's low budget it made me laugh quite a lot.  

Joe: Yes. So much better than TROLL 2, which we'll get to soon. No espressos needed, but four beers and a shot will make it even more fun.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes, the whole world would change for the better, or worse.

Joe: Yes. I'm going to force friends to endure it.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Give it time, and I'll pop it in again.

Joe: Yes. This deserves it's own dedicated channel on cable TV where is is played 24 hours a day.

Talon: Did you see HOBGOBLINS? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Do people control you with their hands? Post in the comments!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about: he has his own clothing line, he performs live shows, it's the reason he got famous, Tommy Wiseau's THE ROOM.



Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Deadly Prey (1987)

DEADLY PREY directed by David A. Prior

Ranked 5.8/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: This might be the best movie ever made.

Kidding, it is the best movie ever made.

Directed and written by David A Prior.

Main stars are:

Cameron Mitchell as Jamie's father. He's a retired police officer, but that doesn't stop him from kicking ass.

Troy Donahue as Don Michaelson. Believe it or not, Troy was a big Hollywood actor back in the 60's but his downfall wasn't filing for bankruptcy, or getting sued by Warner Bros, it was this role in DEADLY PREY.

And Ted Prior as Mike Danton. Quick fact, Ted and David Prior are brothers. With Ted's Playgirl centerfold looks, and David's... ability to film things, they are unstoppable. Together they will rock your world!

Joe: They rocked my world.

Talon: At the start of this 88 minute marathon, my eyes are plagued by poopy footage of a man being chased by a group of mercenaries in a forest. These soldiers are so bad-ass that they hunt innocent defenseless people and kill them.

That's how they train for combat. Gunning down half-naked, unarmed civilians.

Other training includes: Firing from the hip. Never reloading. Being completely oblivious to your surroundings. Having a mullet; that's the most important one. Wearing sunglasses, day or night time. Raping people. And bad lip-syncing.

So by coincidence they capture Mike Danton. The hero of the movie, who is rocking the best 80s mullet of all time, and this is in a film where everyone has a mullet. Little do the villains know, Mike is a 'Nam veteran. Soon Mike is stripped down to his cutoff daisy duke jean shorts, slathered in baby oil, and forced to run unarmed into a forest as they hunt him down.

Mike never puts on a shirt again.

Joe: If I was ripped like that, I'd probably do the same thing.

Talon: The movies progresses to Mike killing the soldiers one by one in the funniest ways. A twig through the heart. A neck snap. Jumping from a tree. Back-stabbing. Drowning. An avalanche of fake rocks. Branch traps. Digging pits.

Joe: Everything but taking their guns and shooting them.

Talon: Mike is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

It's awesome.

But it gets better. Each kill he does, or whenever something dramatic happens, the soundtrack blasts a synthesized DA DA DUN!

Joe: Singing DA DA DUN! along with the movie is a lot of fun.

Talon: While Mike is killing everyone chasing him, Mike's wife calls up her dad instead of the police, and tells him about the kidnapping. Cameron Mitchell somehow knows about the plot of the movie and hes fed up with it! After telling his daughter to lock her doors and windows, Cameron decides to take matters into his own hands by sneaking inside the army base, killing soldiers with crotch kicks and slow punches to the face, vanishing for half the film, and faking his death in order to kill the rich business man operating the mercenaries.

But before he shoots the rich business man, he squints and rapidly shouts, "Who am I? A little man who spent twenty seven years of his life as a cop trying to put bigshots like you away. Twenty seven years in the filth of the dirt of the street and there ain't no music down there. You watch the people in the streets killing raping each other pumping goat through their veins while big men like you sit in the fancy penthouses.... Today the no-bodies that made you are gonna win. Die you son of a bitch."

Then he shoots his rich ass.

Twice.

Amazing. I wish Cameron Mitchell was my Dad.

Joe: Hey!

Talon: DA DA DUN!

At this point, I don't know who's more bad-ass. I think its a solid tie between Cameron Mitchell, Ted Prior, and Clint Eastwood.

DA DA DUN!

Here's another great line by him when he spots a soldier in the forest when he was on his little mercenary killing spree.

"Stop! Friend or enemy?"
"I'm your friend!"
"You're a liar!" Bang! he shoots him.

DA DA DUN!

Joe: I have an urge to watch this again. There is an epic fight scene between two guys with mullets. Then, later, there is another fight scene between two guys with mullets, and it's impossible to tell if it is the same guys as before.

Talon: So the bad guys kidnap Mike's wife and rape her. The scene wasn't graphic at all, she looked like she was trying not to giggle.

And eventually we get a bro-mance with Mike and Don because they recognize each other from Nam, and they arm themselves up and destroy the base.

Then Don dies, Mike's wife dies, and Mike hunts his former commander in a clever role-reversal that everyone saw coming.

The End.

First Impressions:

Talon: I was pretty excited. The cover looked pretty bad-ass, but I wasn't exactly sure what deadly prey meant. Wouldn't he be a predator if he was deadly? Is this about squirrels that somehow gained intelligence and they want to lead a resistance to save all the nuts in the world?

Surprisingly, the movie wasn't about that.

Regardless, I found DEADLY PREY hysterical. It really tries to be a fun action film. It's got the villain. The hero. The woman. Explosions. Fighting. Guns. Twig murders. Back stabbing moments, like when someone gets stabbed in the back. 

It did feel a lot like RAMBO, but not really.  

Something was missing, like logic and common sense.

Joe: It wasn't missing mullets. That's for sure.

There were so many fun things in DEADLY PREY. Some standouts include:

He's on the run for six minutes, then eats an earthworm. You know, because he needs the energy. No rubber worm here. Dude bites it in half and chews. I'm guessing the ASPCA wasn't on set.

A merc ranting about Mike keeps drinking from a beer bottle that is so obviously empty.

Mike dislocates his shoulder, which causes him to limp.

Dude in the first scene is wearing tattered clothes. Completely tattered, like he'd been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years.

After Mike is tortured, he looks like he was beaten up by a bad make-up artist.

At least four men and one woman in the cast resemble Bee Gees.

Mike cleverly uses the forest to camouflage himself by wrapping a single vine around his neck.

The list goes on and on. It's awesome.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"He's limping after he got his shoulder dislocated."

"Newest medical research says putting a rock in your armpit will fix your dislocated shoulder."

"Almost as good as PLATOON."

"My eyesight isn't good. What does the timer say? Twenty-six minutes?"
"No, it's twenty-five. DA DA DON! "

"So he finally escapes and gets back home, and rather than call the cops he decides to whittle some tree branches into stakes."

"Were not hunting him. He's hunting us! DA DA DON!"

"All this... and a bromance."

"Is she wearing a camouflage diaper?"

"This guy can bench-press 350 pounds and he's tied up with one strand of twine."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When Mike blew up the helicopter. The explosion lasted two seconds.

Joe: When Mike cut off the dude's arm and beat him to death with it. Because he's a master of armed combat.

I also could have said, "Well, he was in the armed forces." Or, "That's how you disarm a guy."

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes. This is one of the best worst movies ever.

Joe: Yes. And you won't need any espressos to stay awake. But three beers and a shot will make it even more fun.

Share it? 

Talon: I have already. With my pet goldfish, Larry. He liked it.

Joe: Yes. I'm going to force everyone I know to see this movie. It's wonderful.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes. It makes me giggle like a little girl.

Joe: Yes. I may watch this several times a year, forever.

Talon: Did you see DEADLY PREY? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Have you ever had a mullet? Post in the comments!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, the infamous furry little puppets... HOBGOBLINS!



Saturday, January 21, 2017

Deadly Weapons (1974)

DEADLY WEAPONS directed by Doris Wishman

Ranked 3.3/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: This is going to be a long, and very tough plot explanation. There are so many twists, building conflict, and a theme that only Shakespeare himself can explain....

Joe: It's a movie about a stripper who kills men with her gigantic boobs.

Talon: Didn't that happen in Hamlet?

Joe: No. It was King Lear. With an emphasis on the leer.

Talon: I knew it was the bard. As I was saying, DEADLY WEAPONS is more sophisticated and more well-executed than anything I've ever watched in my life.

Directed by Doris Wishman, famous for creating several early sexplotation films.

Main Cast includes:

Chesty Morgan as Crystal. An advertising executive?

And 70's porn star Harry Reems, and his mustache, as Tony.

We start off the 74 minute run time strong with the only two jiggling watermelon-sized great reasons to watch this film.

Already it's better than JAWS 4.

Joe: Chesty Morgan, who is still alive and probably hobbled by back problems, had a 73 inch bust. They were natural, which is easy to determine in the film because; gravity.

Talon: When that first scene ends, the movie becomes terrible. Both technically and artistically. Actors' lips don't match the dubbing. The music is repetitive and awful. Bad editing. Non-existent cinematography. A non-existent script. Wooden acting.

Joe: The sets and costumes are among the ugliest of all time. Part of that was the 1970s. But I'm betting a lot of it was due to low budgets and just not caring.

Talon: Couches covered with plastic. Shag carpeting. Tacky clothing, mile-high platform shoes. Terrible wigs. That bar set was about as convincing as the drugstore set in ZAAT.

And the filming itself. Doris Wishman simply cannot shoot a man running down the stairs away from mobsters.

But! She can and does shoot a lot of Chesty Morgan doing normal human tasks. Like looking in the mirror naked with her arms raised above her head. Taking baths that mostly involve washing her boobs. Rubbing her boobs in front of a kaleidoscope of mirrors.

Joe: At least the movie is in focus. Mostly.

This movie is just... awful. Whether or not you consider it unbearably awful or enjoyably awful will depend on how drunk you are.

Talon: Other than Chesty Morgan rubbing and fondling her chest in the most un-erotic way for half the movie, here's the full plot of DEADLY WEAPONS. Remember, pay attention to my choice of words, and if you need a notepad to keep track of things please do so.

Chesty's boyfriend gets killed by stock footage of a revolver firing. On her quest for revenge she becomes a stripper, seduces the killers, drugs them, and kills them by smothering them with her eponymous deadly weapons.

Then she finds out her father killed her boyfriend and they both kill each other with the same stock footage of a revolver being fired.

The end.

So yeah, Shakespeare stuff.

First Impressions:

Talon:  So Joe shoved a movie into the DVD player, and I went in with zero expectations... as usual. Just an innocent 19 year old watching a movie with his family. I saw the disc title and that brought up an array of thoughts. Hmm, is it super grenades? Nuclear warfare? A kung-fu movie about a martial art nun-chuck wielding master? Politicians?

I didn't know the actors, or whether it was going to be a bad or great movie, because my father does occasionally watch good films.

So I roll with it, and am greeted by a woman with the biggest boobs I've ever seen, shaking them for the camera for a hilarious three minutes.

Joe: I think it was only about thirty seconds.

Talon: It felt like three minutes. It wasn't sexy at all. It was mostly awkward.

And that's why this movie is the best worst movie ever.

It could've ended there and I would've been happy with saying it was better than James Cameron's TERMINATOR.

Unfortunately, DEADLY WEAPONS didn't end there. It tried to be a movie. And failed.

Then it won my heart again, when Chesty suffocated the mobsters with her boobs. Well, I wouldn't call it suffocating. The actor looked like he was enjoying it, but after two minutes of grunting and wiggling, enough was enough, so he went back to being an actor and pretended to die.

So it was sitting through 70 minutes of the most boring movie ever to watch 4 minutes of dubious entertainment.

Joe: I had to use forks to keep my eyes open, this was so boring.

JAWS IV, or HOWARD THE DUCK, are bad movies, but they're professional Hollywood productions with big budgets and huge crews. There is a minimal level of competence there.

DEADLY WEAPONS, like a lot of other infamous low budget indie films, is barely competent. It's an endurance test. Like watching Grandpa's Super 8 home movies, if Grandpa spent a lot of time in 70s burlesque joints with bad actors.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Her boobs are bigger than our basset hound." (our basset hound, Harry, weighs 90 pounds)

"The camera man had the best job ever."

"What happens when she gets old?"
"You know how boats have anchors."

"Story by... There's a story?"

"Least erotic bubble bath in cinema history."

"Is that spiky clock the deadly weapon of the movie?"
"No. That's 1970s decor."

"She used an entire suitcase to pack one bra."
"It was a big bra."

"I'm beginning to think this movie isn't very good."

"Look at that bar. It's totally someone's basement."

"How to Spy on People 101, sit right next to them."

"She has pills in her cleavage?"
"Talk about a medicine chest."
"Ugh."
"I also could have made a drug bust joke."

"How long is this?"
"Too long!"

"You can tell she's having a flashback because Vaseline is blurring the edges of the film frame."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When she gets her hotel room. and calls front desk to ask if the mobster was there. When told no, she waits thirty seconds, calls again, and is again told no.

Joe: When Chesty's loser boyfriend is killed while he's on the phone with her. It has to be seen to be believed. The dialog is priceless.

Watch it?

Talon: Yes, the two minutes of laughter was worth it to me.

Joe: Yes. But you'll need three espressos to stay awake, and three beers and a shot for the pain.

There will never be another movie like this. Except for the unofficial sequel, DOUBLE AGENT 73. Which we'll watch eventually.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes, but don't tell your friends anything about it. Surprise them. It'll be funnier.

Joe: Yes. I can think of two reasons.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes. I've never seen anything like it.

Joe: Yes. Though billed as a sexploitation film, this is surprisingly innocent and harmless in a naive way.

Talon: Did you see DEADLY WEAPON? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Can your boobs kill people? Post in the comments!

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, a mullet versus mullet action film, and a completely different deadly... DEADLY PREY!