Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Miss March (2009)

MISS MARCH directed by Trevor Moore and Zach Cregger

Ranked 5.0/10 on IMDB


Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Hi, I'm Talon Konrath and in twenty seconds or less I'm...

Oh wait, this isn't YouTube. This is Blogger.

MISS MARCH is a six million dollar movie, much of it centering around toilet humor.

If you laugh when someone says poop, or if someone farts too hard and then poops then you'll like this movie.

If you don't laugh at that then you'll probably hate this movie.

Joe: I liked it. A lot. And I'm not the only one. Even though critics savaged this movie, and it was considered a bomb, there is a lot of love for MISS MARCH on the Internet.

In short; it's funny. Which is the main purpose of comedies.

Talon: Here's another crude humor example: There's a rapper, and his name is Horse D*ck Dot MPEG.

If you think having Horse D*ck Dot MPEG as a rap name is funny then... you guessed it, you'll like this movie.

Simple as that.

Joe: Best. Soundtrack. Ever.

Talon: Directed by Trevor Moore and Zach Cregger. These two have been together since their TV show "The Whitest Kids U' Know" and after seeing some music videos and skits by them, Trevor pretty much acts like himself during MISS MARCH: A total offensive goofball. While Zach acts like himself: The innocent nice guy.

This is a movie that was branded the worst of 2009, and I can't find much wrong with it.

Joe: It tries to be outrageous, and succeeds. Well worth watching, especially with friends. Unlike a lot of movies we blog about, this one actually hits what it aims for. It's intentionally funny.

Talon: Main Cast includes:

Zach Cregger as Eugene Bell.

Trevor Moore as Tucker Cleigh. He's the goofball, and Eugene's best friend.

Hugh Hefner as himself.

Molly Stanton as Candace, Tucker's girlfriend.

Raquel Alessi as Cindi Whitehall. She's Eugene's girlfriend.

Some Playboy models.

And Craig Robinson as Phil, aka "Horse D*ck Dot MPEG." This guy is legendary just for having that name. His songs are even more legendary. Search YouTube.

Joe: He needs his own movie. He was hysterical.

Talon: Alright, our plot begins when Eugene and Tucker are kids and then they discover an issue of Playboy. Tucker falls absolutely in love with everything Playboy. The women, the magazines, Hugh Hefner quotes, having sex, etc.

Ten years later, our two characters have grown up and are graduating seniors. Eugene has a girlfriend and she's an abstinence speaker. But tonight, at the post prom party, Eugene is finally going to get to have sex with her.

This is a big deal considering they've been dating for two years and have remained virgins.

Joe: I'm still a virgin. You're adopted.

Talon: Seriously?

Joe: Hell, no! I tapped your mom like a frat kegger. Bam! I smashed that!

Talon: So, at this party, Tucker has convinced Eugene to slam a bunch of shots of alcohol to get him loosened up and ready to unleash the beast.

Eugene gets flat out wasted and ends up walking through the wrong door... and tumbling down a whole flight of stairs knocking him into a four year coma.

Joe: What Eugene needed was a twelve step program.

See that! I made a pun involving stairs and alcohol! I'm funny!

Talon: So the rest of the movie is Eugene trying to get his original life back after Tucker wakes him up from his coma by smacking his head with a baseball bat.

Eugene's girlfriend is gone. His family is gone. And all he has is his silly, loyal friend Tucker.

And since Tucker loves Playboy, he opens the newest issue and discovers Eugene's old girlfriend is the centerfold.

Hence the title of the movie.

Then, Tucker's dreams of going to the Playboy mansion are coming true, and they plan to make a long drive to it as soon as Eugene recovers from his coma. His coma side effects including explosive involuntary pooping of pants.

That happens to me whenever I eat too many beans. And to think this could all be solved with the appliance of adult diapers. Those things are awesome. You might be laughing or making fun of me, but have you ever pooped while standing up?

I didn't think so.

Checkmate, toilet users.

So while Tucker is waiting for Eugene to recover, he decides to invite his crazy epileptic girlfriend, Candice, to his casa. Right as she's performing a lewd act on him, he shows her his new strobe light.

And... well, she seizes and bites down, and Tucker responds by smacking her with a frying pan.

Joe: You either find that funny, or you're overly burdened by good taste.

Talon: Candice's plan for the rest of the movie is to find Tucker and kill him. And she has the fire department to help her since her brother is a firefighter.

Eventually, Eugene's car breaks down and they run into an old high school friend Horse D*ck Dot MPEG. He became a famous and rich rapper and has picked them up in his RV.

Conflict happens.

Funny happens.

Funny conflict happens.

Lesbian scene happens.

Resolution happens.

Eugene gets his girl back. Tucker gets his girl back.

The End.

Joe: Also, there's repeated drinking of dog pee.

First Impressions:

Talon: I was shocked. And not by the immense nudity, violence, poop, or humor.

I was shocked because this was considered one of the worst movies ever made. What is wrong with people? I had a considerable amount of laughs. The cinematography was good. The writing was good. It wasn't too long and it had 6 million dollars to play with.

Hugh Hefner is in it!


Let this be an important message that professional critics suck and all of them should be wiped off the face of the planet.

I have seen dozens of BAD movies. Movies that are close to unwatchable.

ZAAT (1971)

Joe: JAWS 4: THE REVENGE (1987)

I still have flashbacks.

Talon: But even if they are terrible and they make you want to do every drug in the world to help relieve the brain pain... they can still be enjoyed. And shared. Think about it; a group of people put hundreds of hours of work and spent mucho dollars on something just for you to watch.

Grow up and stop whining about it.

Joe: All opinions are valid, and we all have things we don't like. But how much better would the world be if we celebrated what we don't like, rather than threw hate-pies at it?

Hating something doesn't make it bad.

If you don't find something funny, or if you find it offensive, that doesn't mean you should trash it. Our growing adoption of social media has made it increasingly easy for everyone to share their opinions. But just because you can criticize everything doesn't mean you should.

I believe artists should be celebrated, even if you don't like what they're doing. What have you created lately? And if you have created something, how much good will it bring the world if others heap scorn upon you and your creation?

MISS MARCH may not be for everyone. If it isn't for you, that doesn't make it bad.

Talon: It makes you bad.

Joe: Pretty much. I have zero tolerance for intolerant people.

Talon: You should maybe reread that sentence.

Joe: Shut up. I have no tolerance for you.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"This is the best song ever made."
"MPEG is the best rapper alive."

"Best worst movie ever!"

"Wait, this bombed? Why?"
"People suck."

"I wish Hugh Hefner was my dad."

"I laughed out loud at least ten times. That's even more than I laughed at Old Yeller."

"Potty humor. Drug humor. Sex humor. Nudity. It's like a Greatest Hits package for adolescent boys."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When the lesbian couple were having sex in the backseat while Tucker and Eugene were driving.

Joe: Horse D*ck Dot MPEG's rap video. It's the rawest, realest parody of hip-hop ever put on film.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes. I squirted milk out my nose and I wasn't even drinking milk.

Joe: Yes. I suggest shotgunning three beers, smoking some good sativa, and taking a shot every time some bodily function is exploited for humor.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. I've shared it infinitely with all my parallel universe selves.

Joe: Yes. This should be watched with a bunch of friends.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes. The songs are incredibly catchy.

Joe: Yes. It's the sign of a good movie if you immediately search for the soundtrack after seeing it.

Talon: Actually, that's the sign of a good soundtrack.

Joe: Your comment offends me. Get out of my house.

Talon: Did you see MISS MARCH? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Do you like long and detailed plot synopses? Or short and quick? Post in the comments! We appreciate your feedback!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about: This movie is actually terrible. It has the longest tittle in the world. Its.... THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECOME MIXED UP ZOMBIES!