Saturday, November 11, 2017

Robot Monster (1953)

ROBOT MONSTER directed by Phil Tucker

Ranked 2.9/10 on IMDB

or

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Don't buy or rent this movie. Flushing twenty dollars down the toilet would be a more enjoyable experience.

In fact, I'll name Twenty Things I'd rather do then watch this movie again.

Talon's Better To Do List:
1. Break my leg.
2. Eat a spare tire.
3. Swallow acid.
4. Jump off a cliff.
5. Juggle scissors.
6. Place my head under a steam roller.
7. Get Super Herpes and die.
8. Eat a cactus.
9. Set myself on fire.
10. Scream to death.
11. Tackle a wall.
12. Wrestle a hungry lion.
13. Sit on a spike.
14. Watch ZAAT.
15. Stare into the sun.
16. Bathe in lava.
17. Count to a billion.
18. Get sent to a prison for violent offenders.
19. Drown.
20. Watch ZAAT twice.

Welcome back to our blog!

Thank you for your patience. You four random people and my Mom are the best! I've been busy with creating films, college, and... yeah, I've probably still had plenty of time to blog. But! In order to blog, it meant I had to fully watch ROBOT MONSTER. Four mouths have passed since viewing the first ten minutes of this awful movie, and turning it off because it was unwatchable.

I wish I've postponed it longer.

This movie sucked the farts outta dead fat people. 

I'm still co-host with best-selling author, Joe Konrath, who also enjoys terrible movies.

Joe: I did not enjoy this.

Seriously, I thought ZAAT was the gold standard for bad. And we've watched some truly terrible films in the last four months that we haven't blogged about yet. THE BEAST FROM YUCCA FLATS was awful. ORGY OF THE DEAD was about as much fun as watching water evaporate.

But ROBOT MONSTER...

My god, it's the worst of the worst of the worst.

Talon: We'll dive into the horribleness of ROBOT MONSTER as soon as we're done acknowledging our wonderful sponsors! They proudly support Best Worst Movies Ever with their incredible products. 

Take it away boys!

Joe: We don't have any sponsors.     

Talon: What?

Joe: Yep. Nothing. This blog is ad-free.

Talon: No toothpaste? Candy? Chips? Not even a toaster company?

Joe: No. But there's a reason the toaster company turned us down.

Talon: Why is that?

Joe: They were out of bread.




Damn, I'm funny.

Talon: And we're back to ROBOT MONSTER!

Directed by Phil Tucker. A guy who tried to kill himself because of the poor reception of ROBOT MONSTER.

Joe: I can understand that. I wanted to kill him, too, while watching ROBOT MONSTER.

Talon: And I wanted to kill him, then myself.

Fun Fact: This movie sucks!

Actors include:

George Nader as Roy

Claudia Barrett as Alice

Selena Royle (credited as Selena Royale) as Mother

Gregory Moffett as Johnny

Pamela Paulson as Carla

And John Mylong as The Professor

This waste of black and white film begins with a shot of a little boy holding a toy gun, running toward a cave. Hanging outside the cave are two "scientists". The little boy happily talks to the strange men because; plot. Then, his mom and grandmother show up, take him away, and decide to have a picnic in a quarry.

What a lovely spot. Sitting ass-deep in rocks and sand.

After fake eating, they all take a nap on the hard ass ground not too far away from the STRANGERS they just met outside the cave.

Fake lightning strikes the cave and now I'm watching a flashback of a Gila monster and an alligator with a fin glued to its back biting each other.

Joe: I watched the end credits. It was lacking the NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS MOVIE disclaimer. But I'm sure both reptiles had competent handlers who treated them humanely while they were biting the shit out of each other.

Talon: Five minutes in and this movie feels like it's been on for eternity. Seriously. It's a sick feeling.

Joe: We're only three minutes in.

Talon: After several more eternities, we meet the ROBOT MONSTER. Which is exactly this:

A fat guy in a gorilla costume wearing a diving helmet. His "terrifying" exit out the black cave is supported by floating bubbles. Legit. This guy has a bubble machine next to him.

Then, on his Computator, he Facetimes another dumb RoMan (that's what they call themselves) blabbering about how Earth is their rival.

It's.
So.
Bad.

The sound sucks. Noisy dubbing dialogue. A constant ringing. Joe paused the movie because he thought he had tendinitis. Dumb music.

Joe: I thought the xylophone was a good choice to build suspense.

Talon: It was made in 3-D, and they're weren't any 3-D moments because the whole movie was stationary shots with nothing coming at the camera!

I don't care if it was made in 1953. Saran Wrap was made in 1953, and that invention rocks.

Oh.

21. Wrap my face in Saran Wrap until I can't breathe.

Joe: Kill me first.

Talon: Every man for himself!

So, the boy wakes up and runs to a house foundation where his family is. His Dad (which he said earlier was dead), mom, two sisters, and some other guy are standing waiting to say their dumb lines.

Here's what I learned the main conflict is after watching for what seemed like forever.

RoMan and his race have wiped out the human species, but the boy and his family are the only people alive because Grandpa made a super antibiotic. So RoMan is Facetiming this family through the Computator talking trash and trying to find their location...

WHICH IS LITERALLY RIGHT AROUND THE CAVE.

Joe: The Computator has a plywood frame. Unpainted, I may add.

Man, this movie is bad.

Talon: After that life-ruining experience, the humans take action to stop RoMan by... building a rocket?

It was the lamest montage of rocket building I've ever seen.

It's legit a soldering iron being pressed on top of a car battery with dubbed voice-overs talking about how hard they're working. How they can't bear to go through more labor.

Joe: I couldn't bear it, either. This was the point in the film where I was looking around the room for things I could choke to death on.

Talon: Then we find out the only reason the humans are alive is because of Dad's Antibiotic serum. Which cures everything.

It didn't cure my hate for ROBOT MONSTER!

Joe: So humanity was destroyed by RoMan's Death Ray, but the super antibiotic protects against explosions.

Sadistically, the Death Ray does not kill us, the viewers desperately wishing for death's sweet embrace.

INTERMISSION

Talon: Yes. This movie has one. In case you can't endure anymore badness.

So the female lead and that weird guy go running off. The little boy chases after them. RoMan's been climbing up a hill for twenty minutes. RoMan and the boy meet. After the little boy tells RoMan their family's secret about the antibiotic serum, for whatever reason, the only notable dialogue is this:

Little boy says, "I think you're just a big bully picking on people smaller than you are"

RoMan responds, "Now I will kill you."

Amazing.

This blog can't properly explain how unwatchable this movie is.

Next? Xylophone chase music.

Boy runs away.

Then. A weird flash of light in the sky. That weird man trapped with the woman decides to make a move on her. He takes his shirt off.

She goes with it. Because, plot.

They make it back to the house foundation. They actually live in a foundation, no walls of roof.

And now they're getting married.

Because why not add another stupid level to stupidity. And make me watch their stupid father say a prayer to the stupid couple and pronounce them stupid man and wife.

I hate this stupid movie. I hate this stupid movie. I hate this stupid movie. I hate this stupid movie.

Fun Fact: This movie is stupid.

Next scene, RoMan strangles a little girl. Don't worry. It's not graphic. It's him struggling to hold a squirming little girl, then next shot, she's lying down pretending to be dead.

Joe: How I wished I was her.

Talon: Finally. Like in all great movies. We have a plot twist.

Ready?

It was all the little boys dream. He apparently fell and clunked his head in the rough quarry where they had a picnic,

How unfortunate.

Double plot twist.

After the boy gets help and leaves. RoMan comes out the cave...

Three times.

The End.

I hate my life.

First Impressions: 

Talon: This movie sucks.

Turns out. I was right. Seeing the first ten minutes was enough for me to turn off the movie and avoid it for four months. And I blog about bad movies for crying out loud.

Joe: Best Worst Movie Ever!

Talon: Here's some of the dialogue my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Three seconds in. I already want to die."

"Let's have a picnic in a quarry next to some strange men we just met!"

"It took us four months to watch this movie."
"I wish we waited longer."

"Computator."

"Special effects include: Bubble machine!"

"Is that ringing sound the movie or my ears?"

"Maybe we could kill him. Huh, pop?"
"What?!"

"I have no idea what's happening."

"I see five of you, but show yourself!"

"Uh oh. The tendinitis is back."

"Antibiotics cure death rays."
"We should tell the AMA."

"I have never been more serious in using the two words 'incomprehensible mess'."

"Hewmans."

"Calculate your chances. Negative. Negative. Negative."

"We don't get sick even when we swallow capsules with real bad bugs in them."
"I'm sure this serum works, Johnny! Now take these Ebola pills!"

"My favorite part was the intermission."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When we realize it was all just a dream. Because I knew the movie was going to end soon.

Joe: The little girl getting strangled. Still can't believe they did that.

Watch it? 

Talon: I wouldn't put that responsibility on yourself.

Joe: Yes. This one reaches new depths.

Share it? 

Talon: Yeah, with someone you want to see in pain.

Joe: Yes. This movie is brought up all the time when discussing the worst movies ever made, and deservedly so.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Hell no.

Joe: I'd watch it again. If someone put a gun to my head.

Talon: Did you see ROBOT MONSTER? Why? Let us know in the comments.

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about: It's underground. It's comedy. It's a movie. It's.... UNDERGROUND COMEDY MOVIE!



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