JAWS: THE REVENGE directed by Joseph Sargent
Ranked 2.9/10 on IMDB
--does anyone truly care?Quick Synopsis:
Talon: Man, I hate this movie. Like really really really hate this movie.
Joe: It's not as bad as some things. Like being waterboarded.
Talon: Directed by Joseph Sargent.
Main cast: Lorraine Gary as Ellen Brody. She has the worst haircut ever... it keeps me awake at night.
Mitchell Anderson as Sean Brody. Quick fun fact; he was Chief Brody's son in JAWS. The same actor, all grown up, has decided to follow in his father's footsteps after Chief died of a heart attack.
Joe: Roy Scheider didn't actually die. He just couldn't make JAWS: THE REVENGE, because he'd read the script.
Talon: But Sean quickly gets eaten by Jaws while trying to remove a log from a buoy.
Joe: You'd be surprised how often that happens in law enforcement.
Talon: Lance Guest as Michael Brody. He's a marine biologist in the Bahamas.
And Michael Caine as Hoague Newcombe. He's a pilot.
With a budget of 23 million, JAWS 4's main premise is Ellen has a really, really bad feeling that the shark is intentionally after her and her family. This is because her husband didn't actually die from a heart attack, but from his fear of sharks.
Joe: I would now like to coin the term shardiac arrest.
Talon: And her son, Sean, didn't die from getting eaten. It was his fear of getting eaten, while getting eaten, that killed him,
Joe: Also, it was him getting eaten.
Talon: More stupid writing later, Ellen flies down to the Bahamas to live with her son, Lance.
Joe: I like Lance a lot, sir.
Talon: But even 3000 miles away from New York, in warm waters that great white sharks never venture near, Ellen has nightmares of Jaws attacking her and her family. This is based off her gut feeling that the shark... is out for revenge!
Joe: You'd be surprised how often that happens in marine biology.
Talon: So right after Jaws types Bahamas in his GPS, and computes with his self-aware shark conscience that Ellen Brody and her family are the one's he wants to kill, Jaws swims 3000 miles to the Bahamas.
Joe: It's like that real life story of the family dog who got lost on vacation, and then travelled 3000 miles home by learning to pilot a commercial airliner. Then, when he got home, he ate his family.
Talon: So there's a conflict with Ellen and her son because she wants him to work on land and Lance claims she's being silly. Great whites don't swim in warm waters.
Then Jaws attacks him.
Who would've guessed?
Joe: Lance's job is to study conch. And they didn't make a single conch joke.
Those conch suckers.
Talon: Meanwhile, I guess Michael Caine is trying to win Ellen's heart because he's got a fetish for bad haircuts, and Lance stabs a device into Jaws that tracks its presence through its heartbeat.
So whenever the great white is around them, instead using something obvious like sonor, or their own eyes, they hear its heart rate on a monitor aboard the boat.
Joe: This is actually a new iOS app called Digital Touch, and you can text your heartbeat to others. JAWS IV predicted it by 30 years. Pretty impressive.
Talon: So this ends by Ellen being fed up with people dying and her fear of sharks that she takes Lance's friend's boat, to track down Jaws and then... well, that's where her plan ends. Steal a boat, and go out to sea.
Joe: It makes about as much sense as anything else in this movie.
Talon: Then Michael Caine, Lance, and Lance's friend Jake take a plane to search for Ellen. After spotting her, Michael lands the plane next to her boat, even though it isn't a water plane, to save her by... well, that's where his plan ends.
Joe: It's also where his plane ends.
Talon: So Jake quickly makes a bomb out of stuff on the boat that can also shock the shark with electronic impulses. He gets attacked and shoves the device into the shark's mouth.
Then, using their obvious brilliance in marine science, they shock the shark with electronic impulses until it gets pissed off.
Meanwhile, the only way the bomb explodes isn't by a detonator, that'd be too smart, it's when Ellen steers the boat and stabs the bomb with the boat's bowsprit exactly when the shark leaps out the water from, you know, the painful electronic impulses.
Smile you son of a bitch!
Talon: Being a fan of the Jaws franchise, particularly the first one, I knew this one wasn't going to be as great as the first, but I wasn't expecting the concoction of edited footage to be this terrible. Seriously, it's 90 minutes of disappointment and sadness.
I need a psychologist to help me cope with all the negative emotion JAWS 4 inflicted upon me.
Joe: So let's focus on the good moments.
Talon: There weren't any good moments. And they're weren't any awesome bad moments. It wasn't fun, and it wasn't trying to be fun. They probably spent all twenty three million on Michael Caine and copious amounts of drugs.
Joe: JAWS 2 wasn't very good compared to the first. I liked JAWS 3 because it was in 3D, and had some fun scenes.
JAWS IV: THE REVENGE made me sad in my feels.
Talon: That's it. Eight blog posts in and I'm done being abused by horrible movies. Every time I watch one, sharp pain develops behind my eyes. But now the agony strikes every time I think of JAWS 4.
Oh no, Lorraine Gary's haircut... Oh god. The pain... THE PAIN!
Joe: JAWS 4 came out in 1987. I broke my leg in 1987. JAWS 4 hurt more.
Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:
"Is abortion legal when you're nineteen years old?"
"Yes. But I'll still shoot you. We'll call it a mercy killing."
"I hate this more than HOWARD THE DUCK. And ZAAT."
"ZAAT was worse. But I hear you."
"Huh, and Spielberg passed on the chance to direct this."
"I'm beginning to think that the producers are just trying to cash in on a hit franchise."
"That haircut... I can't."
"So... the shark followed them from New York to the Bahamas?"
"Mistakes were made."
"Worst. Sequel. Ever."
"You haven't seen EXORCIST 2, yet. Or BLUES BROTHERS 2000."
Best Worst Scene
Talon: When Ellen blew up Jaws with the boat and the movie finally ended.
Joe: When Ellen stares at an abstract sculpture for an extended period of time for no reason at all.
Talon: A thousand times no. This movie killed me.
Joe: Yes. This is proof that Hollywood will greenlight anything. But you'll need one espresso to stay awake, and three beers and a shot for the pain.
Talon: If you enjoy torturing your friends, then show them this.
Joe: Yes. Only with continuing Blu Ray sales will Universal consider JAWS 5: JAWS IN COLLEGE.
Talon: No. I never want to see this again.
Joe: I've seen it three times. In the theater. Then, years later, on VHS, because I wanted to make sure the first time wasn't a hallucination. And now once more with you. So chances are high you'll wind up encountering JAWS IV: THE REVENGE again.
Sorry, son. Life sucks sometimes.
Talon: Did you see JAWS 4? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Did this movie hit you in the feels? Post in the comments!
TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!
Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, legendary 73-32-36 CHESTY MORGAN in DEADLY WEAPONS!
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