Monday, June 19, 2017

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Become Mixed Up Zombies (1964)


Ranked 2.2/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis: 

Talon: This movie title is so long and stupid that I had to take a break from blogging, go on vacation, and rethink my entire life. Questions along the line of, "Why does my heart keep beating?" Funny thing is, if you think the title sucks, watching the movie was even worse.

Before I dive into the horrendous details of this truly awful film, I'd like to say thank you for reading!

Joe: You're welcome.

Talon: Directed by Ray Dennis Steckler. A man with nine other pseudonyms: Cindy Lou Sutters being his porn name...

Main cast includes:

Ray Dennis Steckler as Flagg.

Sharon Walsh as Angela. Flagg's girlfriend.

Brett O'Hara as Estrella. The fortune teller.

And Atlas King as Harold. Flagg's buddy.

The plot begins, well I shouldn't say plot because the movie doesn't have one.

The story begins... no that isn't right either.

The running time begins, and thirty seconds in I want to drink acid and end it all. Ray Dennis Steckler just knows exactly everything I don't want to see in the opening shot:

Twenty minutes of people at a carnival and multiple scenes of characters saying useless dialog. How is wanting to commit suicide by multiple butter knife stabs the main feeling you should have when watching a movie?

Thirty seconds in, I should be watching incredibly-strange-creatures-stop-living-and-become-mixed-up-zombies. Why am I watching carnival shows? Dance numbers? Fortune tellers?

The footage for 1964 is pretty great though. The colors and lighting definitely stand out and are actually viewable. Sound isn't too bad either.

Those are the only two things I will complement the movie for. The rest of it? I'd rather choke to death by my own hand.

Alright, so Wikipedia is informing me about the plot because you couldn't give me a million dollars to analyze what the HELL I just watched.

Marge, one of the dancers for a show, sees a black cat and freaks out. She goes to a fortune teller and the fortune teller says she's going to die. Since she's very superstitious, Marge bolts out of the room screaming and runs past Flagg's gang.

Harold, apparently distraught by the dubbed screaming and bad acting, decides he and his gang need to get their fortune told.

Estrella tells Angela that "a death near water" for someone close will occur in her life.

Estrella also tells Angela that humans can covert carbon dioxide to oxygen simply by contracting the diaphragm.

Okay she didn't really say that.

After that scene, we watch a dance show for about twenty minutes because Flagg was hypnotized by one of the dancers. How fortunate for the director. All he has to do is set up the tripod and film an act, then film himself watching the act.

That's just lazy film-making.

Joe: Lazy? Or brilliant?

You're right. It's lazy.

Talon: Later on Flagg gets hypnotized by the fortune teller.

And we're back to watching someone perform again.

That's two strikes, Streckler.

Joe: At least the performances were entertaining.

I'm kidding. By this point I was praying for a heart attack.

Talon: Forty-five agonizing, long, wasteful minutes pass and we finally get to see some incredibly strange creatures who stopped living and become mixed up zombies... right?

I mean that's what the super long title is for, right?

Please tell me that's what its for.

Nope! It's just Flagg with a hoodie on, wide-eyed and awkwardly stabbing the performers. Think of Alfred Hitchcock's classic Psycho, but without any of the things that made Psycho good.

Flagg ditches the scene, and the audience endures a montage of Flagg tossing and turning in his sleep and a vision of his messed up nightmare. His nightmare consists of Flagg running around people performing at a show, then getting lifted up as if he were a cross and slowly spun by the crowd.

It was terrifying. I didn't know whether to suck my thumb, or hug my teddy bear.

So I did both.

Joe: No, you didn't. I had to shove you because you were snoring.

Talon: So after that surreal experience, which made me wish the TV remote could power off my brain, Flagg is hanging out in someone's back yard with his girl friend.

Want to know what comes next?

I'm giggling just typing this.

Flagg sees a spinning sun umbrella that oddly resembles a hypnotizing wheel. He gets lost in the swirling black and white and soon he's fake choking his girlfriend.



Strike three, Streckler. Now I'm just gonna pout for a good five minutes before I write anything else.

Joe: The dancing made me pray even harder for death. God didn't answer.

God is cruel.

Talon: Okay, I'm back.

So while this drama has been going on, sneaky little Estrella had been turning carnival workers into zombies by throwing poison-acid on their face.

I don't know which part is worse. The poison or the acid.

Flagg is concerned about his memory. So he goes back to the Estrella. The woman who caused his broken memory in the first place.

Now I'm not sure if Flagg remembers that Estrella broke his memory, or he's just stupid.

I'll go with the stupid.

Ahh! But he obviously he does remember Estrella because he knew where her location was in the carnival.

So he's just stupid.

Double the stupid.

Flagg should own a flag that has the word STUPID on it.

I'm sorry for being mean. This movie just twisted all my nerves.

Joe: It's okay. Steckler died in 2009, so you aren't hurting his feelings.

Talon: So Flagg is back at Estrella's and the witch tries to throw poison-acid on his face and imprison him.


In attempting to imprison Flagg, Estrella has let out all of her incredibly-strange-creatures-who-stopped-living-and-became-mixed-up-zombies!

Finally! They go on a choking killing spree.

Cops come.

Flagg runs away and heads toward a beach. Near water.

Angela and Harold and the police chase after him. Near water.

Flagg runs for five minutes. Near water.

The movie just doesn't seem to end. Near water.

Then, finally, Flagg gets shot and dies. Near water.

You see where this is going?

You remember the beginning, what Estrella said to Angela?

Estrella tells Angela that "a death near water" for someone close will occur in her life.

And there we go.


Joe: And also appropriate. Because during that last scene, I tried to drown myself in a bottle of Evian.

First Impressions:

Talon: The movie says it's eighty minutes long, but I know they're lying to me because I sat and watched it for eighteen hours.

Joe: It was so long I had to shave twice.

Talon: Ray Dennis Steckler really knows how keep you pinned on the edge of sleep.

But, I have to give the guy credit for trying. Making a movie is tough and with a budget of 36 thousand dollars, limited crew, dealing with bulky equipment and film, need I say more?

He gave it his best shot, and it has a ton of flaws, flaws that make me want to throw up repeatedly until my insides are outside. This is still a cult classic. The guy got famous for doing something he loved. Maybe not the good kind famous, but I'm sure this movie is celebrated by a lot of people.

Joe: There is a word for people who celebrate this movie: Wrong.

Talon: Movies are to be watched and shared and enjoyed. You can get something from the best films of all time, and from the worst films of all time.

Thank you Ray Dennis Steckler. This film taught me that I hate everything you've created.

Joe: Dude, you haven't seen Rat Pfink A Boo Boo yet. That one makes this film actually seem competent.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"When does the incredibly mixed up zombie part happen? The last three minutes?"

"Just because you can film a movie that doesn't mean you should."

"Please turn this off. Please."

"C'mon step right up. We have girls, girls, and girls."
"But do they have girls?"

"Hey, hon, I dropped the remote and it paused the movie. Can you grab it?"
"Do not grab it!"

"Keep watching. There's going to be nudity."

"This is so bad, I don't want to blog about it."
"This is so bad, I don't want you to blog about it."

"A favorite for his fans? Who are his fans?"
"Everyone has a mother."

"I can't go on. I just can't."
"You have to. There are still sixty-eight minutes left."

"Hate isn't strong enough a word for this movie."

"I just took a whole bottle of Xanax. And I chewed them so they kill me faster."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: The ending. Where Flagg ran along the beach for a full ten minutes.

Joe: The dance numbers. All of them.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, it'll make you appreciate life.

Joe: Yes. You'll need six beers, six shots, and a lot of Tylenol.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. Just saying the tittle is a conversation starter.

Joe: Ray Dennis Steckler is a must-see for all bad movies lovers. This should be required viewing in high school.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes, when my name isn't Talon.

Joe: Yes. If only to remind me how cruel life can be.

Talon: Did you see this movie? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend?


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about: it's big...It's harry...It's...Awful. I present to you.... A*P*E!

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