Sunday, June 25, 2017

A*P*E (1976)

A*P*E directed by Paul Leder

Ranked 2.3/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis: 

Talon: This movie was sued by Hollywood for claiming it's the next KING KONG. Since it obviously wasn't, the movie changed its named to Super Ape, then to A*P*E (Attacking Prime MonstEr).

Joe: If that isn't enough to get you to watch this, you have no love at all for film.

Talon: For anyone who's seen KING KONG, this is quite the opposite. I wouldn't even label this as a gorilla movie. More like a man wearing your grandma's fur coat wrestling a dead shark for ten minutes movie.

It's legendary. I wish I could create something half as good.

Directed by Paul Leder. With a budget of 24 thousand, he shot the whole movie in 14 days. Which is quite the feat. Think of it this way. Hollywood considers a low-budget movie to be at least a million dollars and they spend weeks if not months, casting, rehearsing, shooting, editing.

Give the guy props for making this terrible movie!

Joe: This movie hardly had any props, except what they bought at the toy store.

Talon: Main Cast includes:

Rod Arrants as Tom Rose. He's a news reporter madly in love with his girlfriend.

Joanna Kerns as Marilyn Baker. Tom's girlfriend. She's an actress.

That's pretty much all you need to know.

The plot begins, and a toy boat floating on water bobs from a bathtub's waves. Then? A man in a brown garbage bag with glued-on brown hair emerges from the sea and wrestles with a dead, toothless shark. We don't see any camera shots behind him because that would expose his stuck out zipper and ruin the idea that he's a gorilla, not just a guy in a suit.

Joe: It's actually a dead shark. Not a rubber shark. But a shark that no longer lives. One that has shuffled off its mortal coil, and is now having its corpse desecrated.

Talon: When he isn't sloshing the shark back and forth, he's barrel rolling and sticking his hands in it's jaws so he doesn't drop it.

It's so epic and amazing and hilarious.

Then we get some decent SFX with the suited man destroying buildings.

Joe: Decent in the sense that they aren't a dead shark.

Talon: Later, after boring bad developing story line, and endless scenes with almost as many people on the phone as THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION, we're in South Korea and we're watching a cast make a movie. The movie we're watching turns into a scene they're creating.

What I'm saying is A*P*E is now a bad Kung-Fu movie.

After some badly timed dubbing of swords clashing, and punches or kicks landing, suddenly A*P*E appears and is attacking the actors by standing on top of a hill and drumming his chest. If A*P*E actually attacked the actors, he would be the same size as them.

#LowBudgetProblems.

Shocked by the massive beast, and how the costume got worse by daylight, the actors take offense and shoot flaming arrows guided by fishing line towards the camera--I mean A*P*E.

Joe: This is the 3-D part of the film.

Talon: It's the funniest thing ever because the dozens of arrows all bounce off A*P*E at once and apparently create a weird pebble-hitting-ceramic sound. I'm not exactly sure why that sound is happening, but it's there and A*P*E doesn't like it anymore than I do.

As a last ditch effort, the actors decide that a BATTERING RAM is the weapon of choice.

I can't stop laughing.

Best Worst Movie Ever!

Then we're back to more bad dialogue with generals talking to other generals. A notable line was:

"To the hell with the press. I'm going to smoke this goddamn cigarette."

Joe: One of several stand up and cheer moments in the movie.

Talon: Now we're back to A*P*E, who's watching a hang-glider come straight towards him. A*P*E finds this amusing and decides to bounce the hang glider on his palm.

It's really dumb, because the hang glider just glides away and the scene ends.

So then Tom is meeting his girlfriend (Marilyn) on the set of her movie, and she's involved in a rape scene.

So A*P*E becomes a Drama now.

After the scene was finished the director cuts and isn't happy with how the actor is raping Marilyn.

"Remember, Greg. Rape her gently."

Joe: You can't make things like this up.

Talon: Then Tom and Marilyn are making out again, and then more people are on the phone again.

But wait! We're back to A*P*E now. And he's storming through a village causing a panic. Groups of people load into backs of trucks. Abandon their homes. Flee in flocks across bridges and through streets. They're scared of him, but he hasn't actually killed anyone yet.

For those waiting to see A*P*E's "giant size" next to the average person, wait no longer.

A stationary shot is set up where only the back of APE's legs are placed in front of the camera while people are running away.

Except its not A*P*E's legs at all. It looks like two brown, hairy logs. When did APE lose so much weight?

That ends. And we're back to Tom. He's working with the army now, but he's so cool that he takes off his sunglasses twice in two different shots.

Now A*P*E is watching a cast make a movie.

Huh? Is this INECEPTION?

We're watching a movie within a movie while a gorilla is acting in a movie we're watching, but he's watching a movie as well.

What?

Alright, since A*P*E labeled itself as the next KING KONG, our next scene shows APE kidnapping Marilyn, because he's shown a sudden interest in beautiful women.

The hand they use to grab her isn't bad at all.

But they ruin it when we see A*P*E and Marilyn in the same shot. It's a man in the gorilla suit clearly holding a doll while Marilyn dubs her screaming.

Too funny.

More phone convos later.

More military footage later.

Then A*P*E is swatting at the air for fourteen minutes.

Then A*P*E is flipping off the military.

Which is the funniest thing I've ever seen. The director must of been in on it.

Then, rubber rocks falling down the mountain, bouncing off of actors' heads.

Finally A*P*E has been shot enough times by missiles and bullets to finally collapse and die.

Now I'm crying.

The End.

First Impressions: 

Talon: It's tough to get through. Most of the scenes are military people talking on the phone, or the main two actors making out, and one of them seems to like it too much while the other doesn't at all.

But when A*P*E is on screen, it's awesome. There's a lot of cool 3-D as well. And even some bad kung-fu.

Could this pass as the next KING KONG?

No.

I don't even believe it can pass as a gorilla movie.

Joe: Or a horror movie. Or science fiction. Or even an intentional comedy.

This one should have been called CASH C*O*W. Because it only exists to fool moviegoers into thinking they were seeing the new KING KONG.

This might be the original mockbuster.

Talon: All in all, Best Worst Movie Ever!

Here's some of the dialogue my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"That's a plastic boat on a bathtub."

"Have they released the soundtrack? If so, why?"

"He's somewhere south of Seoul. Getting Seoul food."
"What?"

"This movie wins an award from most hair in camera lens."
"No, that was BIRDEMIC 2."

"Oh my god, that's the mom from Growing Pains."
"What?"
"I don't remember her being so hot."

"This shouldn't be called A*P*E. It should be called Helicopters Flying Around Forever."

"Now A*P*E is crying. Apparently for taking this role."

"Are we watching a bad gorilla movie or a bad kung-fu movie?"
"Both."

"That's the zipper. I see the zipper."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When A*P*E gave the finger to the military.

Joe: Dead shark wrestling. How isn't this a videogame?

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, but maybe fast-forward through the phone dialogue.

Joe: Yes, but you'll need three beers and two espressos to get through the endless helicopter scenes. And scenes of military men on maneuvers. And scenes of military men on maneuvers in helicopters.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. I've shared it with my father again. Now I'm homeless. Someone send help.

Joe: Yes. The more people in the room, the more the pain is divided.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes, it's the only way I have fun now.

Joe: Yes. In 3-D, if you've got the TV and glasses and Blu Ray player. Well worth every dime spent.

Talon: Did you see A*P*E? Did this movie make you go bananas? Let us know in the comments.

TALON'S TWENTY SECOND FILM REVIEW!

Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about: It's a robot... It's a monster.... It's the worst thing I've ever seen... feast your eyes on ROBOT MONSTER!


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