Sunday, June 25, 2017

A*P*E (1976)

A*P*E directed by Paul Leder

Ranked 2.3/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis: 

Talon: This movie was sued by Hollywood for claiming it's the next KING KONG. Since it obviously wasn't, the movie changed its named to Super Ape, then to A*P*E (Attacking Prime MonstEr).

Joe: If that isn't enough to get you to watch this, you have no love at all for film.

Talon: For anyone who's seen KING KONG, this is quite the opposite. I wouldn't even label this as a gorilla movie. More like a man wearing your grandma's fur coat wrestling a dead shark for ten minutes movie.

It's legendary. I wish I could create something half as good.

Directed by Paul Leder. With a budget of 24 thousand, he shot the whole movie in 14 days. Which is quite the feat. Think of it this way. Hollywood considers a low-budget movie to be at least a million dollars and they spend weeks if not months, casting, rehearsing, shooting, editing.

Give the guy props for making this terrible movie!

Joe: This movie hardly had any props, except what they bought at the toy store.

Talon: Main Cast includes:

Rod Arrants as Tom Rose. He's a news reporter madly in love with his girlfriend.

Joanna Kerns as Marilyn Baker. Tom's girlfriend. She's an actress.

That's pretty much all you need to know.

The plot begins, and a toy boat floating on water bobs from a bathtub's waves. Then? A man in a brown garbage bag with glued-on brown hair emerges from the sea and wrestles with a dead, toothless shark. We don't see any camera shots behind him because that would expose his stuck out zipper and ruin the idea that he's a gorilla, not just a guy in a suit.

Joe: It's actually a dead shark. Not a rubber shark. But a shark that no longer lives. One that has shuffled off its mortal coil, and is now having its corpse desecrated.

Talon: When he isn't sloshing the shark back and forth, he's barrel rolling and sticking his hands in it's jaws so he doesn't drop it.

It's so epic and amazing and hilarious.

Then we get some decent SFX with the suited man destroying buildings.

Joe: Decent in the sense that they aren't a dead shark.

Talon: Later, after boring bad developing story line, and endless scenes with almost as many people on the phone as THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION, we're in South Korea and we're watching a cast make a movie. The movie we're watching turns into a scene they're creating.

What I'm saying is A*P*E is now a bad Kung-Fu movie.

After some badly timed dubbing of swords clashing, and punches or kicks landing, suddenly A*P*E appears and is attacking the actors by standing on top of a hill and drumming his chest. If A*P*E actually attacked the actors, he would be the same size as them.


Shocked by the massive beast, and how the costume got worse by daylight, the actors take offense and shoot flaming arrows guided by fishing line towards the camera--I mean A*P*E.

Joe: This is the 3-D part of the film.

Talon: It's the funniest thing ever because the dozens of arrows all bounce off A*P*E at once and apparently create a weird pebble-hitting-ceramic sound. I'm not exactly sure why that sound is happening, but it's there and A*P*E doesn't like it anymore than I do.

As a last ditch effort, the actors decide that a BATTERING RAM is the weapon of choice.

I can't stop laughing.

Best Worst Movie Ever!

Then we're back to more bad dialogue with generals talking to other generals. A notable line was:

"To the hell with the press. I'm going to smoke this goddamn cigarette."

Joe: One of several stand up and cheer moments in the movie.

Talon: Now we're back to A*P*E, who's watching a hang-glider come straight towards him. A*P*E finds this amusing and decides to bounce the hang glider on his palm.

It's really dumb, because the hang glider just glides away and the scene ends.

So then Tom is meeting his girlfriend (Marilyn) on the set of her movie, and she's involved in a rape scene.

So A*P*E becomes a Drama now.

After the scene was finished the director cuts and isn't happy with how the actor is raping Marilyn.

"Remember, Greg. Rape her gently."

Joe: You can't make things like this up.

Talon: Then Tom and Marilyn are making out again, and then more people are on the phone again.

But wait! We're back to A*P*E now. And he's storming through a village causing a panic. Groups of people load into backs of trucks. Abandon their homes. Flee in flocks across bridges and through streets. They're scared of him, but he hasn't actually killed anyone yet.

For those waiting to see A*P*E's "giant size" next to the average person, wait no longer.

A stationary shot is set up where only the back of APE's legs are placed in front of the camera while people are running away.

Except its not A*P*E's legs at all. It looks like two brown, hairy logs. When did APE lose so much weight?

That ends. And we're back to Tom. He's working with the army now, but he's so cool that he takes off his sunglasses twice in two different shots.

Now A*P*E is watching a cast make a movie.

Huh? Is this INECEPTION?

We're watching a movie within a movie while a gorilla is acting in a movie we're watching, but he's watching a movie as well.


Alright, since A*P*E labeled itself as the next KING KONG, our next scene shows APE kidnapping Marilyn, because he's shown a sudden interest in beautiful women.

The hand they use to grab her isn't bad at all.

But they ruin it when we see A*P*E and Marilyn in the same shot. It's a man in the gorilla suit clearly holding a doll while Marilyn dubs her screaming.

Too funny.

More phone convos later.

More military footage later.

Then A*P*E is swatting at the air for fourteen minutes.

Then A*P*E is flipping off the military.

Which is the funniest thing I've ever seen. The director must of been in on it.

Then, rubber rocks falling down the mountain, bouncing off of actors' heads.

Finally A*P*E has been shot enough times by missiles and bullets to finally collapse and die.

Now I'm crying.

The End.

First Impressions: 

Talon: It's tough to get through. Most of the scenes are military people talking on the phone, or the main two actors making out, and one of them seems to like it too much while the other doesn't at all.

But when A*P*E is on screen, it's awesome. There's a lot of cool 3-D as well. And even some bad kung-fu.

Could this pass as the next KING KONG?


I don't even believe it can pass as a gorilla movie.

Joe: Or a horror movie. Or science fiction. Or even an intentional comedy.

This one should have been called CASH C*O*W. Because it only exists to fool moviegoers into thinking they were seeing the new KING KONG.

This might be the original mockbuster.

Talon: All in all, Best Worst Movie Ever!

Here's some of the dialogue my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"That's a plastic boat on a bathtub."

"Have they released the soundtrack? If so, why?"

"He's somewhere south of Seoul. Getting Seoul food."

"This movie wins an award from most hair in camera lens."
"No, that was BIRDEMIC 2."

"Oh my god, that's the mom from Growing Pains."
"I don't remember her being so hot."

"This shouldn't be called A*P*E. It should be called Helicopters Flying Around Forever."

"Now A*P*E is crying. Apparently for taking this role."

"Are we watching a bad gorilla movie or a bad kung-fu movie?"

"That's the zipper. I see the zipper."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When A*P*E gave the finger to the military.

Joe: Dead shark wrestling. How isn't this a videogame?

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, but maybe fast-forward through the phone dialogue.

Joe: Yes, but you'll need three beers and two espressos to get through the endless helicopter scenes. And scenes of military men on maneuvers. And scenes of military men on maneuvers in helicopters.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. I've shared it with my father again. Now I'm homeless. Someone send help.

Joe: Yes. The more people in the room, the more the pain is divided.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes, it's the only way I have fun now.

Joe: Yes. In 3-D, if you've got the TV and glasses and Blu Ray player. Well worth every dime spent.

Talon: Did you see A*P*E? Did this movie make you go bananas? Let us know in the comments.


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about: It's a robot... It's a monster.... It's the worst thing I've ever seen... feast your eyes on ROBOT MONSTER!


Monday, June 19, 2017

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Become Mixed Up Zombies (1964)


Ranked 2.2/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis: 

Talon: This movie title is so long and stupid that I had to take a break from blogging, go on vacation, and rethink my entire life. Questions along the line of, "Why does my heart keep beating?" Funny thing is, if you think the title sucks, watching the movie was even worse.

Before I dive into the horrendous details of this truly awful film, I'd like to say thank you for reading!

Joe: You're welcome.

Talon: Directed by Ray Dennis Steckler. A man with nine other pseudonyms: Cindy Lou Sutters being his porn name...

Main cast includes:

Ray Dennis Steckler as Flagg.

Sharon Walsh as Angela. Flagg's girlfriend.

Brett O'Hara as Estrella. The fortune teller.

And Atlas King as Harold. Flagg's buddy.

The plot begins, well I shouldn't say plot because the movie doesn't have one.

The story begins... no that isn't right either.

The running time begins, and thirty seconds in I want to drink acid and end it all. Ray Dennis Steckler just knows exactly everything I don't want to see in the opening shot:

Twenty minutes of people at a carnival and multiple scenes of characters saying useless dialog. How is wanting to commit suicide by multiple butter knife stabs the main feeling you should have when watching a movie?

Thirty seconds in, I should be watching incredibly-strange-creatures-stop-living-and-become-mixed-up-zombies. Why am I watching carnival shows? Dance numbers? Fortune tellers?

The footage for 1964 is pretty great though. The colors and lighting definitely stand out and are actually viewable. Sound isn't too bad either.

Those are the only two things I will complement the movie for. The rest of it? I'd rather choke to death by my own hand.

Alright, so Wikipedia is informing me about the plot because you couldn't give me a million dollars to analyze what the HELL I just watched.

Marge, one of the dancers for a show, sees a black cat and freaks out. She goes to a fortune teller and the fortune teller says she's going to die. Since she's very superstitious, Marge bolts out of the room screaming and runs past Flagg's gang.

Harold, apparently distraught by the dubbed screaming and bad acting, decides he and his gang need to get their fortune told.

Estrella tells Angela that "a death near water" for someone close will occur in her life.

Estrella also tells Angela that humans can covert carbon dioxide to oxygen simply by contracting the diaphragm.

Okay she didn't really say that.

After that scene, we watch a dance show for about twenty minutes because Flagg was hypnotized by one of the dancers. How fortunate for the director. All he has to do is set up the tripod and film an act, then film himself watching the act.

That's just lazy film-making.

Joe: Lazy? Or brilliant?

You're right. It's lazy.

Talon: Later on Flagg gets hypnotized by the fortune teller.

And we're back to watching someone perform again.

That's two strikes, Streckler.

Joe: At least the performances were entertaining.

I'm kidding. By this point I was praying for a heart attack.

Talon: Forty-five agonizing, long, wasteful minutes pass and we finally get to see some incredibly strange creatures who stopped living and become mixed up zombies... right?

I mean that's what the super long title is for, right?

Please tell me that's what its for.

Nope! It's just Flagg with a hoodie on, wide-eyed and awkwardly stabbing the performers. Think of Alfred Hitchcock's classic Psycho, but without any of the things that made Psycho good.

Flagg ditches the scene, and the audience endures a montage of Flagg tossing and turning in his sleep and a vision of his messed up nightmare. His nightmare consists of Flagg running around people performing at a show, then getting lifted up as if he were a cross and slowly spun by the crowd.

It was terrifying. I didn't know whether to suck my thumb, or hug my teddy bear.

So I did both.

Joe: No, you didn't. I had to shove you because you were snoring.

Talon: So after that surreal experience, which made me wish the TV remote could power off my brain, Flagg is hanging out in someone's back yard with his girl friend.

Want to know what comes next?

I'm giggling just typing this.

Flagg sees a spinning sun umbrella that oddly resembles a hypnotizing wheel. He gets lost in the swirling black and white and soon he's fake choking his girlfriend.



Strike three, Streckler. Now I'm just gonna pout for a good five minutes before I write anything else.

Joe: The dancing made me pray even harder for death. God didn't answer.

God is cruel.

Talon: Okay, I'm back.

So while this drama has been going on, sneaky little Estrella had been turning carnival workers into zombies by throwing poison-acid on their face.

I don't know which part is worse. The poison or the acid.

Flagg is concerned about his memory. So he goes back to the Estrella. The woman who caused his broken memory in the first place.

Now I'm not sure if Flagg remembers that Estrella broke his memory, or he's just stupid.

I'll go with the stupid.

Ahh! But he obviously he does remember Estrella because he knew where her location was in the carnival.

So he's just stupid.

Double the stupid.

Flagg should own a flag that has the word STUPID on it.

I'm sorry for being mean. This movie just twisted all my nerves.

Joe: It's okay. Steckler died in 2009, so you aren't hurting his feelings.

Talon: So Flagg is back at Estrella's and the witch tries to throw poison-acid on his face and imprison him.


In attempting to imprison Flagg, Estrella has let out all of her incredibly-strange-creatures-who-stopped-living-and-became-mixed-up-zombies!

Finally! They go on a choking killing spree.

Cops come.

Flagg runs away and heads toward a beach. Near water.

Angela and Harold and the police chase after him. Near water.

Flagg runs for five minutes. Near water.

The movie just doesn't seem to end. Near water.

Then, finally, Flagg gets shot and dies. Near water.

You see where this is going?

You remember the beginning, what Estrella said to Angela?

Estrella tells Angela that "a death near water" for someone close will occur in her life.

And there we go.


Joe: And also appropriate. Because during that last scene, I tried to drown myself in a bottle of Evian.

First Impressions:

Talon: The movie says it's eighty minutes long, but I know they're lying to me because I sat and watched it for eighteen hours.

Joe: It was so long I had to shave twice.

Talon: Ray Dennis Steckler really knows how keep you pinned on the edge of sleep.

But, I have to give the guy credit for trying. Making a movie is tough and with a budget of 36 thousand dollars, limited crew, dealing with bulky equipment and film, need I say more?

He gave it his best shot, and it has a ton of flaws, flaws that make me want to throw up repeatedly until my insides are outside. This is still a cult classic. The guy got famous for doing something he loved. Maybe not the good kind famous, but I'm sure this movie is celebrated by a lot of people.

Joe: There is a word for people who celebrate this movie: Wrong.

Talon: Movies are to be watched and shared and enjoyed. You can get something from the best films of all time, and from the worst films of all time.

Thank you Ray Dennis Steckler. This film taught me that I hate everything you've created.

Joe: Dude, you haven't seen Rat Pfink A Boo Boo yet. That one makes this film actually seem competent.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"When does the incredibly mixed up zombie part happen? The last three minutes?"

"Just because you can film a movie that doesn't mean you should."

"Please turn this off. Please."

"C'mon step right up. We have girls, girls, and girls."
"But do they have girls?"

"Hey, hon, I dropped the remote and it paused the movie. Can you grab it?"
"Do not grab it!"

"Keep watching. There's going to be nudity."

"This is so bad, I don't want to blog about it."
"This is so bad, I don't want you to blog about it."

"A favorite for his fans? Who are his fans?"
"Everyone has a mother."

"I can't go on. I just can't."
"You have to. There are still sixty-eight minutes left."

"Hate isn't strong enough a word for this movie."

"I just took a whole bottle of Xanax. And I chewed them so they kill me faster."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: The ending. Where Flagg ran along the beach for a full ten minutes.

Joe: The dance numbers. All of them.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, it'll make you appreciate life.

Joe: Yes. You'll need six beers, six shots, and a lot of Tylenol.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. Just saying the tittle is a conversation starter.

Joe: Ray Dennis Steckler is a must-see for all bad movies lovers. This should be required viewing in high school.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes, when my name isn't Talon.

Joe: Yes. If only to remind me how cruel life can be.

Talon: Did you see this movie? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend?


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about: it's big...It's harry...It's...Awful. I present to you.... A*P*E!