Sunday, April 30, 2017

Turkish Star Wars (1982)

TURKISH STAR WARS directed by Centin Inanc

Ranked 5.0/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis: 

Talon: Geez. How many adjectives can I use to describe this movie?

Here's a few:
  • Astonishing.
  • Awe-inspiring. 
  • Beautiful.
  • Impressive. 
  • Wondrous.
  • Majestic. 
  • Mind-Blowing.
  • Overwhelming. 
  • Fantastically amazing. 
  • Far-Out. 
  • Orgasmic. 
Okay, maybe not orgasmic, but the first nine are fully spot on. 

Joe: I only have one:
  • Essential.
No lover of great bad movies can miss this one. It's required if you're a film buff.

Talon: I'd die for this movie. You readers might think I'm insane, but would someone insane cut up patches of brown carpet, glue them onto their skin, climb a tree and pretend they're a squirrel?

Joe: I do that at least twice a day.

Talon: I've always wondered why that giant squirrel outside my window looked like you. 

Joe: I'm also our family dog. That's why our dog talks and drinks a lot of beer.

Talon: TURKISH STAR WARS, originally known as Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (The Man Who Saved the World), was directed in 1982 by Centin Inanc. A Turkish film director who had careers in law, erotica, and eventually action movies. Centin is also called "jet director" because he can shoot a whole film in ten days.

Joe: Thank you, Wikipedia.

Talon: Main Cast includes:

Cuneyt Arkin, stars as Cuneyt Arkin. He also deserves credit for writing this brilliant masterpiece. Quick fun facts: He got famous in Turkey for acting, and has been in over 100 movies. He's also played roles with his wife and kids.

This guy is legendary and only people in Turkey know it.

Joe: Plus we know it.

Thank you, Wikipedia.

Talon: The rest of the cast is irrelevant because Arkin is that bad-ass. I mean look at the movie cover. C'mon! Not even Chuck Norris could get his leg into that position without cramping, without crying, or without internally exploding.

That hair, too. This guy obviously had slept with every woman in the world.

Joe: I'd hit that.

Talon: And now we begin.

A long time ago in galaxy far, far away.... TURKISH STAR WARS starts off with the worst stock footage I've ever seen. It's like they used a potato to film. Then they repeatedly loop stolen scenes of the Death Star and ships flying all while explaining the longest info-dump in movie history.

And not a single damn sentence makes sense.

Here's some hilarious examples:

"Space age had been passed, life and time reached to the Galaxy age. Hundreds of thousands years had been passed and Earth and planets system in space turned into the galaxy system. Civilizations and history had become past, mankind started to be contended with a simple life style as in primitive ages."



The narrator continues... "However in some cases Earth had been in disintegrated into parts which fragmented off from the Earth had become meteor rocks in space. On some planets life was still going on."


"A coating which was formed by compressed human brain molecules was protecting the Earth."


"Strongest and greatest two Turkish warriors and other humans sailed into space and declared war to the unknown enemy."

This is the best worst movie ever. Period.

Joe: Something may have been lost in the subtitle translation. But I doubt it.

Talon: So we're introduced to our two heroes and the unknown enemy, which is some man in a mask with spikes around his head. I guess he's a 1000 year old Wizard and his costume is a really effective use of cardboard and glue.

I'm guessing that this film's budget was less than the cost of a Happy Meal.

So the bad guy's plan is to capture a human brain so he can take over the universe.

The good guys, the two Turkish warriors, are here to stop the bad guy.

Simple enough.

After the painful infodump, we watch our heroes sit in front of actual STAR WARS footage and pretend they're pilots shooting at bad guys. It's soo funny. It's soooooo damn funny. I'd pay $30 just to see the first ten minutes. Then it gets 10 times funnier when the INDIANA JONES soundtrack plays while they pretend to blow up bad guys.

Joe: The John Williams SUPERMAN theme is also stolen and overused.

Seriously, the actors are just sitting in chairs in front of rear-projected scenes of STAR WARS. And there are actually edits in the footage behind them. They're supposed to be in cockpits, flying, and the background cuts form one scene to the next.

Maybe the Turks are more forgiving than American audiences.

Talon: Our heroes then get shot out of space and land on a mysterious planet. Besides worrying about famine and thirst--

Joe: Which they should worry about, having landed ten seconds earlier.

Talon: --they're also concerned if it's a planet inhabited only by women.

Joe: Which they should worry about, because parthenogenesis is a cause for worry.

Talon: Then we see footage of the pyramids in Egypt.

And we're back to an info dump about how incredible humanity is, and something about atomic war.

Then they're jumping onto rocks. Arkin is clearly teasing us with the stunts he can pull off.

And then they're whistling a special tune to call out all the woman on the planet. Instead of getting women, they get attacked by skeleton costumes on horses. The fight scenes are incredibly epic. Arkin can jump over horses. Dodge spear attacks. Punch people in the stomach and face. Ride a horse.Throw people over his shoulder. Fall off of a horse.

Then they get caught by robots with guns and are forced to battle villagers for entertainment.

That's what the robots claim, but that doesn't happen.

Instead, we watch robots choke children and murder people until our heroes decide they've seen enough. Which is after about three minutes. Then they kick everyone's ass the exact same way they've kicked everyone else's ass: Block, kick.  punch. Block, grab their arm and throw over the shoulder. Sometimes, they block and punch and throw.

It's good to have some variation.

For a lighthearted movie that seems aimed at kids, this has a lot of violence and murder.

Joe: Kids gotta learn it at some point.

Talon: Next, our heroes quickly get overwhelmed as too many skeletons and robots attack all at once.

Joe: It's a lot like the Super 8 movies I made when I was ten years old. Minus any of my skills.

Talon: Out heroes flee to the safety of a cave inhabited by a woman who takes care of children. The woman is impressed by Arkin.

And now, we got a love story.

This 10/10 film just went to 11/10.

Arkin's only interest with the woman is... that she's a woman.

Makes sense.

And instead of having her talk about her feelings, or having her talk at all, they just stare at each other for long periods of time until someone awkwardly smiles. This happens at least forty times to show they're truly in love.

Joe: This is how it was with your mother. After I fought robots and guys in skeleton costumes, I stared at your mother and you were born.

The only difference is, your mother can talk.

Boy, can she talk.

Talon: And now we're back to the atomic war info dump...

Alright, fine, this movie is back at a 10.

Suddenly, people in furry costumes crawl outta their graves and attack all the civilians hiding in the cave. It's a montage of violence. Women getting red paint on their faces! Men also getting red paint on their faces. We even see a pile of dead children! (It's truly just a bunch of kids lying down with their eyes closed.)

From what I've learned rewatching these scene several times, these guys are the Wizard's army. They kill humans so they can harvest their blood, and feed it to the Wizard to keep him immortal.

Joe:  I thought the 1000 year old wizard needed a human brain.

Talon: You're right. But those people aren't the right "humans" to capture a brain from. I guess they're too primitive for his taste. He needs Arkin's, or his friends, because you know, their brains connect molecules to form a barrier to protect Earth from laser weapons.

Joe: Why isn't our military using this? It's like the Cold War missile gap all over again.

Talon: They escape from the cave, and after seeing the casualties, our Arkin has had enough of the Wizard's sadistic ways. Its time for a work-out montage that makes Rocky Balboa's training look wimpish.


Arkin can karate chop a boulder over and over. He can bench press a rock over and over. He can punch a different rock...over and over. Then, karate chop the same rock over and over. To change up his workout, he can punch a different rock. He can even lift a pile of rocks. Then go back to karate chopping another different rock.... over and over. And finally to unleash his pent up rage, he can karate chop a a completely different rock in half just once.

Joe: They spent a good deal of their six dollar budget on paper mache rocks.

Talon: His love interest is very impressed, and she shows it by staring in his eyes and awkwardly smiling.

And he's even a hero to the children, who now practice his punching moves.

I told you, this guy is a legend.

OH WAIT. This workout montage isn't over. Next, he's tied rocks around his ankles, while the INDIANA JONES music is playing. To show his strength, he's jumping on a trampoline over the camera. And again. And again. And then the rocks are gone.

Next cut, he's kicking giant rocks toward a wall, and they're exploding.

I'm speechless.

Joe: I love this movie hard.

Talon: So he goes to a bar, and I guess his friend (Akkaya) is back, and they get ambushed by the Wizard's fiends. After an epic fight scene, the Wizard appears to talk hella trash about the two Turkish warriors, while revealing his plan to destroy the human race. The Wizard even kidnapped the woman Arkin's in love with.

And then they got teleported to his ship.

Enough is enough. Time to wrap up the rest of the movie in a couple paragraphs.

Ready? It's gonna get crazy.

The Wizard wants the men to join him, He offers Arkin the chance to rule the universe if only he sacrifices his brain. He says no. Then the Wizard shows he has the women he loves in captivity. After some rough-housing and punching, we go to Akkaya who's being seduced by the Wizard's queen. Monsters attack him and he ends up fighting them next to Arkin. They get disabled by lasers and are thrown in a pit to be tortured. It doesn't work. Then, while Akkaya is being help captive, Arkin has to battle a monster. Eighty trampoline jumps over the monster later, he kicks his ass.

Take a breath. Still some left to go

So Arkin finds this bad-ass cardboard lightning sword after kicking some ninja ass. Now Arkin is basically superman with this sword so he goes back to the dungeon where the Wizard is keeping Akkaya. After saving Akkaya, Akkaya sees the power Arkin has with his new sword and knocks him out, taking his sword. The drama is real. The Turkish do not mess around. Then the Wizard uses his sneaky wizard powers to be sneaky and get the sword from Akkaya. The Wizard is now superman and he kills Akkaya. Then he throws Arkin, his woman, and child into a jail.

One more breath.

Arkin is soo sick of this Wizard that he melts the sword and a golden brain and turns them into a pair of gloves and boots. Now Arkin is super-superman and he kills about fifty monsters to find the Wizard. It's epic as hell as it really tries to be an action movie.

Then he karate chops the Wizard in half like he did with a rock. And goes home in the Millennium Falcon.

The End.

Joe: Amazeballs.

First Impressions:

Talon: I saw the tittle, and instantly knew this was going to be the best worst movie ever.

Watching it proved me right.

I know it's a cult classic based on being absolutely terrible, and I know it's a bad movie, but I rate movies on how much enjoyment I get outta them. I couldn't stop laughing because the producers actually stole STAR WARS footage and shot new scenes over it. Maybe the plot doesn't make any sense, maybe the acting is bad, maybe the fight scenes are repetitive, but I found all of that hilarious.

I think that's all that matters.

And for a terrible movie, this had a lot of action and conflict, and the main actor Cuneyt Arkin is like Turkey's Tom Cruise, so I can't hate on that.

No headaches were formed during the viewing of this movie, only endless laughter.

Joe: I first saw this back in my VHS tape trading days. It was epic then. It remains epic.

Talon: Here's some of the dialogue my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Is that the Millennium Falcon?"
"I don't think they paid the licensing fee."

"It's like STAR WARS. Only Turkish... And horrible."

"The Turkish name for this is" The Man Who Saved The World." But who's going to save me from this movie?"

"I can't think of a better movie that I'm watching right now."

"He's jumping on the trampoline again..."
"He's hopping mad."

"I wish I was that cool."
"No, you don't."

"Holy cow there's a sequel."
"Shut up and take my money!"

"My favorite part is when we see stolen STAR WARS footage."
"Maybe it isn't stolen. Maybe George Lucas loaned it. I heard he's very good at relinquishing creative control."

"I don't think those are real rocks."
"You've lost your childhood sense of whimsy."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: The workout montage.

Joe: Agreed. But the costumes--most of which are worse than drunk frat boys make the day before Halloween--are a joy to behold.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes. This is funnier than many comedies.

Joe: Absolutely. Because it's the greatest film of all time to use STAR WARS footage other than STAR WARS. I suggest three beers and three shots to make it go down smoother.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. My pet turkey loves this Turkey movie.

Joe: Yes, it lives up to ALL the hype. You need to make everyone you know see this movie.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes. I include it in my STAR WARS movie marathon.

Joe: I've seen it three times. I'll see it many more before death releases me.

Talon: Did you see TURKISH STAR WARS? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? What kind of costumes can you make with cardboard? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about: It has the best rapper ever, it's a good movie, and it bombed the in the box office. It's...MISS MARCH.


Monday, April 17, 2017

The Mildew from Planet Xonader (2016)

THE MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER directed by Giulio De Santi, Neil Meschino

Ranked 6.0/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: The title pretty much explains the whole movie. Hell, the cover, too. It's a infectious killer alien mildew that landed on Earth, and it's on the prowl to melt faces unless you're in a room containing a dehumidifier.

Joe: Just when you thought it was safe to go into the steam room...

Talon: It's nice for once not being deceived by a movie's cover or title. For example, THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION's cover was nothing like the movie... Why does that spider have ten legs? Huh? What? They don't invade anything. They go to the fair. And... best to just read the blog post. 

Directed by Giulio De Santi and Neil Meschino. Two Italians keeping it classic by using tons of make-up, gallons of blood, and very little CGI. An obvious homage to Lucio Fulci, the Italian father of gore.

Joe: Suggested Fulci flicks include Zombie 2, The Beyond, and New York Ripper, where the killer talks like Donald Duck.

I'm not making that up. It's awesome.

Talon: Main Cast includes.

Willmar Zimosa as Toxic. He's a missionary on a quest to be bad-ass.

Edward X. Young as Colonel: Old guy who smokes a lot of cigars and talks about himself and Vietnam.

Mike Keller as Sergeant Brisco. Colonel's go-to man for everything.

Ardis Campbell as Julia Young. Only logical person in the movie. Also, the only woman. Probably not a coincidence.

Lawrence George as Roger. The nice guy scientist.

Rick Haymes as Dr. Matthew Kane. An older bald scientist.

And Chris Gentile as Dave. Another scientist that happens to have limited use of telekinetic powers. Dave and Roger don't get along, I think because of Julia.

The low-budget movie starts off... Awesome? Wait what? A first scene that is actually good? I don't want to tie my eye sockets in a knot and rub them with salt? On this blog?

Yes, it's true. We start off by viewing a scientist in a bio-suit examine a giant infected meteor swarming with green particles of alien mildew that's sitting on the beach. Walking closer, his inferior bio-suit proves it has no chance against the infectious microscopic lifeforms. They penetrates his suit, and the camera cuts to his face melting from the inside outwards in a soupy red and green mush of pure gore epicness.

For any gore fans, or shock lovers out there. This is a must.

Joe: The gore movie, in the tradition of the French Gran Guignol theater, which routinely perfromed plays where actors got their heads cut off and intestines ripped out, was brought to modern cinema by H.G. Lewis and his low budget splatterthon Blood Feast. Though, at the same time in Italy, Mario Bava was hammering spikes into witches faces in Black Sunday.

Bava was the better filmmaker, but Herschel will always have my heart.

Talon: The rest of the movie takes place in Bentan labs during the 80s. Where all the scientists I've mentioned above are working on using the Mildew as a weapon of mass destruction.

So far, so good! And I'm shocked! There's a variety of clean camera movements. Crisp sound. An awesome soundtrack. Gnarly SFX! Fun acting! How is this not a cult hit? How is this not as popular as HOWARD THE DUCK?

Just thinking about that movie makes me want to slam a door into my face.

Joe: I agree 100%. Whenever I think about HOWARD THE DUCK, I want to slam a door in your face.

Also, Xonader is pretty awesome.

Talon: Moving right a long.

The audience is introduced to all the actors by using dialog and plot to further on the story. The conflict begins when we watch a corrupt congressman take a bloody piss in the bathroom, and then do a line of cocaine off the sink..

Little does he and everyone else know: His cocaine had mildew on it.

Alien mildew.

Mildew... from Planet Xonader!


He meets back into the lab with the gang, and they discuss how they think the mildew works. Their boss is watching them discuss through a live stream on a TV. You can tell he's the bad guy just by the way he rubs his hands and laughs.

Dave tripped and hit his head earlier so he's passed out onto the ground.

Then, the congressmen, coked off his ass, eyes the corporal puffing away at his cigar and says.

"You know, that stuff will kill you."

A good line that made me laugh. This movie is actually turning out to be enjoyable. If you readers out there are expecting me to play in traffic to help cope with the badness of this film. THINK AGAIN! I think I just might prance in a field of dandelions instead!

Yes. That just happened.

Joe: I wrote a book where one of the characters tried to lose weight by Prancercizing.

Talon: This isn't your writing blog. It's my movie blog.

Joe: I like movies.

Talon: In another lab. A scientist is experimenting what the mildew will do on rats. While holding a tube of green particles, and a rat, the boss watching through a camera sends a signal that makes the rat bite the scientist to drop the mildew. The awesome soundtrack cues right when the vial breaks. Adding to the dramatic effect of the disease spreading.

Roger goes to check on the guy, but quickly leaves the room when he sees the morphed, monstrous rats sucking the blood of the scientist's face.

And now for a pun moment.

Rats... I couldn't think of any.

Those rats aren't very mice.

So the camera stays with the bleeding victim, and military personal suddenly appear to Swiss cheese his body with machine gun bullets, and to stop the spread of the mildew by throwing gas.

Then there's an awesome shot where one of the rats explodes from out the scientist's face. The directors had no shortage of blood to use, so they really just bazooka launched it everywhere.

It's awesome.

And it's just another example on how everyone is eventually going to get infected... Or will they?


So while they discuss about the mildew, more specifically Dr. Matthew Kane, on how it leaves a green rash on people, the congressman notices a green wound forming on his hand. Concerned, he hides it away from his peers and scratches it. It pulsates and spreads. In a panic, he rushes to a sink and begins scrubbing away at it.

Dr. Matthew then specifies "And when the spores land on a moist surface, they begin to grow. No moisture, no danger."

The mold is absolutely massive on the congressman now. Spreading on his cheeks, and turning his hands to double their size in what looks like green, packed, wet, blended oatmeal.

It doesn't take too long before his entire face turns into swollen mush. And the blood sprays and streams out his eyes and mouth. Green mildew goop splatters on his shoes. The guy is being digested second by the second, and the only thing that seems to cope his pain is by prying off chunks of scalp with his meaty fingers and by horribly screaming. Not too soon, he's in a green and red chunky soup puddle of himself after his face morphs, forming some weird, alien looking thing.

The others watch in horror. And some guy throws up. Conveniently on passed-out Dave.

Roger is now taking the hero role, and trying to find a isotope that can combat against the mold. He also explains that no one can leave the lab building because they have a duty of not infecting the world with this plague. Then he explains to the gang on how being infected works.

"The dehumidifier should contain the mold from becoming an airborne threat. So, for godsake, no one touch the congressman."

Earlier on Sargent Brisco had shaken hands with the congressman, so now he's also been infected with the mold. Which is pretty damn cool since now Brisco knows exactly what is going to happen to him.

The scene ends and we're in Toxic's POV. He's here to stop the mildew from becoming a weapon. So his main goal is to be a bad-ass soldier, or at least that what the Directors portrayed him as. All Toxic does is talk trash to the soldiers running the lab and then kill them in various ways. Like throwing a chef knife. Punching them. Shooting them. It's not amazing, but its fun. And that's all that truly matters...

Joe: Allow me to interject here for a moment and talk a little about Necrostorm, the studio behind this awesomeness. Their first movie was called ADAM CHAMPLIN, and it's one of the craziest, bloodiest, most insane movies ever made. They're independent, and use crowdfunding to help make their movies, and someone needs to give them a 30 million dollar budget immediately.

Talon: Back to Brisco. He's freaking out about his green hand, so he fires up a frying pan and sizzles his palm.

Joe: I wrote a story about a guy who puts his hand on a burner.

Talon: Scroll up and read the name of this blog.

Joe: Best Worst Movies Ever. I like movies.

Talon: The hand cooking seems to be effective, until Julia explains how the infection went inside his body instead of outwards. So they put him in a separate room.

Fun fact. The movie cover is Sergeant Brisco when he's infected.

Another fun fact. I'm not wearing any pants.

Another fun fact. Somewhere around the world, people are dying.

Joe: That fact wasn't fun at all!

Talon: It's true. People die.

Joe: I meant the one about your pants.

Talon: So Dave wakes up and leaves the lab and flees to another room to have a telecom with the boss. He was involved with infecting everyone in the lab so he can retire early or some other plot twist that I didn't pay attention to. I can't give you all the spoilers...

Roger and Julia go outside the lab to find a treatment for the mildew. Then the sprinklers go off, causing the mildew to spread in the hallways at a rapid pace. Roger and Julia take off their bio suits and rush back to the safe lab.

Dave tries to enter the boss's office but gets his spine ripped out by the mildew monster Toxic was fighting earlier. Zombie Brisco drags Dave to the safe lab because his Colonel told him too. Even infected he's still a dedicated soldier. Then the Colonel interrogates paralyzed Dave by asking him questions and then torturing him. Which is pretty funny because Dave can't feel anything.

Then they find a treatment and its some sort of acid. Roger ends up spraying it on his eyes and it causes him to go blind.

And to wrap it all up. Dave dies. Roger, Julia, Colonel, and Brisco find the boss's room. Break in. Kill the mildew monster. Kill the boss. Colonel dies, and Julia and Roger escape with Toxic.

Then all of Bentan Labs blows up, but not before leaving things open for a sequel.

The end.

Pretty epic if you ask me.

First Impressions:

Talon: I had no idea what to expect which such a tittle. Hmm. Maybe a mildew. From a planet. Called Xonader?

Besides that, the film was actually a lot of fun. Considering I wasn't expecting much. Watching it for a second time was just as fun, too. There's nothing wrong with this movie.

It was low-budget with great gore and splatter moments. Had good jokes. A solid plot. Fun characters. Awesome soundtrack. Tough bad guys.

It wasn't a bad movie at all.

Definitely not something that should be a cult hit for being terrible, or for being one of the worst films ever made. I've seen some bad movies. Some so bad, they've taken years off my young life. My driver's license says I'm 19, but I'm really 56.

It's been a hard road. My doctor says I'm depressed.

Joe: You should try drugs.

THE MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER is one of the Best Worst Movies. It's a fun cult film, drenched in gore, funny as hell, and a great way to kill ninety minutes with your like-minded buddies. You know, the ones your wife hates.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my Dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Epic gore is epic!"

"The congressman is awesome."
"I wish my congressman did blow off a bathroom sink."

"Wait, wouldn't mildew cleaner solve this alien mildew problem?"
"This movie is still cool."

"This is bloodier than Mortal Kombat."

"This was considered one of the worst movies ever?"
"No way."
"No way."

"I think we say epic and awesome too much."
"Cause it's epicly awesome."

 Best Worst Scene

Talon: When the rat exploded out a scientist's face.  I was so geeked out that I got acne and giant glasses.

Joe: The rat scene. It's insane.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes. If you're a gorehound. Give this a shot.

Joe: Yes. You don't even need any alcohol. Though a few beers might make it even more fun.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. Watch it with your gorehound friends.

Joe: Any guy who likes insane violence will like this. So any guy will like this.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes. I've seen it twice with my gorehound friends.

Joe: Yes. I'll play this every few years, as part of a triple feature with TOXIC AVENGER and STREET TRASH.

Talon: Did you see MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Should we do more good movie reviews? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, it stole footage from Star Wars, and it was only released in Turkey... it's TURKISH STAR WARS!