Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Hobgoblins (1988)

HOBGOBLINS directed by Rick Sloane

Ranked 2.3/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Almost as prolific as John S. Rad from DANGEROUS MEN, Rick Sloane directed, wrote, camera'd, and edited all of HOBGOBLINS with a budget of only 15 thousand dollars.

Either the guy likes doing all that, or the lack of funds limited him from hiring good people to make a movie with. Quick glance at Wikipedia, Rick has never made a movie without writing the screenplay himself. Usually when someone is creative and self-disciplined and professional in various categories, they refer to themselves as a Polymath.

Rick could refer to himself as a Polyfail.

Joe: Hey, be nice! We're here to celebrate movies, no matter how painful they are to sit through.

Talon: Carrying on.

Main Cast includes:

Paige Sullivan as Amy: A goody two shoes.

Tom Bartlett as Kevin: A shy average white guy in jeans with one main goal. Impressing his girlfriend, Amy. So he takes a job as a security guard at an old movie studio.

That'll win her heart...

Joe: It won my heart. I'd do him.

Talon: Jeffrey Culver as Mr. McCreedy. He's an old wise man and the head security guard at the old studio, because defunct studios need full time security. His acting is pretty bad, but the way he runs is worse. It's something a combination of waddling penguin and a galloping horse.

Just for that alone, HOBGOBLINS is one of my favorite bad movies.

Joe: The actor is around 103 years old and made to run constantly. It gave me hope that someday there will be a geriatric Olympics. I'm just south of 50 myself, so I'm not saying this out of ageism, but I'd kill to see a bunch of old folks do the 100 hurdles.

Why should sports be squandered by the young?

Talon: Steven Boggs as Kyle: A high-waisted shorts-wearing dork. He spends most of the time using Kevin's house phone to talk to a sex line.

Joe: Ah, the good old days before the Internet.

Talon: Billy Frank as Nick. He's a soldier, but the movie perfectly showcases that Nick knows nothing about being a soldier.

Kelly Palmer as Daphne. She's a blonde, and having sex with her army boyfriend Nick is the only thing that runs through her mind.

The movie starts off super scary.  A young security guard named Dennis working for the old studio gets warned by McCreedy not to walk downstairs and enter the vault.

Five seconds later, Dennis enters the vault, and is suddenly on stage singing to a crowd like a rockstar.

Joe: Why does a studio have a vault? That's one of the many thoughtful puzzles HOBGOBLINS presents to the viewer without explanation.

Talon: As you can guess from the title of the movie, Hobgoblins are inside the vault, and their main harm is making fantasies come true, and then killing you while you're under their influence. I know. I know. It's dumb.

By the way, the movie doesn't reveal this until the middle of the film. So I was left confused as hell, not knowing what in tarnation was going on.

Joe: That's because you aren't familiar with Shakespeare. The Merchant of Venice was about Hobgoblins hiding in a vault in a derelict movie studio who kill you while making you fantasize about your fondest wishes.

You need to read up on your classics.

Talon: So with a 15 thousand dollar budget they kill Denis in a creative way.... He stage dives and lands head first into the ground. Which, now that I think about it, isn't really that bad of a way to die. I'd happily die being controlled by a hobgoblin while I'm living my own fantasy of skydiving and having sex at the same time.

Joe: It was this point in the movie where I was actively considering stage diving off of my chair just so I wouldn't have to watch anymore

Talon: By this point the movie lost all its credibility, which meant instead of trying to figure out what was going on I just rolled with whatever Polyfail showed me.

Including the greatest fight scene of all time. Maybe even better than DANGEROUS MEN'S fight scene.

Like a full two-minute repetitive rake fight between Kevin and Nick. On each hit, the movie blasts us with a synthesized DON!

It went like this: Nick is a soldier, who comes home from base and teases Kevin in front of Amy and her friends about not being able to fight. So in order for Kevin to prove himself, they do what all men would do; pick up a few rakes and swing them at each other.

Kevin and Nick both hold rake handle as if they were pushing a shopping cart. Then the fight begins. It consists of them clacking the rakes together in a sort of push-fight.

They circle each other in front of Amy's house on her lawn.


More circling.










That continues for a while, until Nick wins because he's the first to actually swing the rake, not clack it like a moron. It was so unexpected that wood connects to Kevin's stomach and knocks him down.

Joe: Better than the DANGEROUS MEN fight. Maybe even better than the blonde mullet fight in DEADLY PREY.

Talon: Nick clearly proved was a soldier, and he celebrates his victory by having sex with Daphne in his van. Kevin, rubbing his sore stomachm gets lectured by Amy about not being good enough, and in the background Nick's bouncing van is making funny BOING! sound effects.

Joe: Which was genuinely hysterical. Props to Rick Sloane for getting some intentional laughs. There are movies that are supposed to be entertaining, and are accidentally entertaining, and HOBGOBLINS is both.

Talon: The plot eventually swirls down to the hobgoblins attacking Kevin's friends with fantasies, right after McCreedy warns Kevin that the hobgoblins will attack his friends with fantasies. This happened because while Kevin was on the job a burglar entered the studio for whatever reason.

Joe: He was obviously looking to steal an abandoned sound stage. You can pawn those things for serious cash.

Talon: Tracking down the burglar, Kevin accidentally stumbles upon the vault filled with hobgoblins. McCreedy realizes this, and we have a hilarious scene of him running, and then closing the vault just in time before Kevin got sucked into his own fantasies.

Yeah, I don't know either.

An info dump later, the hobgoblins are attracted to bright light, and in the whole state of California these puppets go to Amy's house cause she's throwing a party with bright lights.

Makes sense.

Kevin quickly realizes the horrors his friends might have to deal with so he rushes over there.

More of the movie later, one of them gets the dork, Kyle. That's a whole scene.

And another gets Amy, and here's the ending.


Her fantasy was being a stripper so that's where the gang heads. The hobgoblins follow them there, and eventually get Nick. Since he's a soldier his fantasy is being in war so he starts blowing up the joint with grenades. Then the whole place goes insane. People making out with each other. Some explosions. Hobgoblins roaming around, and it's so obvious there's a hand puppetting them it hurts my face.

They kill all the hobgoblins, Nick catches on fire from a grenade and dies, and Kevin gets the chance to redeem himself with Amy when they drive back to the studio. Kevin encounters the same burglar from earlier, but this time Amy is watching, and this time there's nunchucks.  

Yes, it has the DONS!

And yes it's terrible.

Plot twist? The robber was a fantasy of Kevin's mind, and before Kevin gets shot, McCreedy kills the hidden Hobgoblin like a boss. And he does it with a revolver he's never used the twenty plus years he's been working as a guard.

Then they blow the studio up. Kevin wins the girl. Nick comes back to life, and McCreedy gets his revenge on his boss.

The end.

First Impressions:

Talon: My parents had watched this without me. I was busy with enjoying my time, not wasting it. Placing the disc in, I expected something funny. After all, I heard both of them laughing, and both told me this was hilarious.

The whole idea is completely stupid and it makes me want to have a fantasy of castrating myself. The acting is bad. It isn't realistic at all.  A lot of it can be cut.

Despite all this, I still laughed like crazy, and I still liked it. For the budget they did a good job. I actually expected less with the budget they had, so that's a positive.

This movie is like dating someone ugly on the outside and ugly on the inside but you do it because ugly people need love too.

Joe: The hobgoblin scenes were astounding. The first shot of them--four obvious dolls riding on a golf cart--is one of the greatest monster introductions in motion picture history. These aren't CGI. They aren't animatronic. They aren't even puppets. They're four lifeless dolls on a cart, in an extended tracking shot.


And the movie kept the awesome going. No one seemed to be taking themselves seriously, including the director, and it never lapsed into mind-numbing boredom like ZAAT.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"You know he's a soldier because of his camo tank top."

"My car cost more than this movie."

"The hobgoblins make you fantasize."
"I fantasize about never watching this again."

"With more money, better special effects, a script rewrite, and some quicker editing, this would still be terrible."

"Is that a hobgoblin doll?"
"No, that's the actual hobgoblin."

"It's like Gremlins, without a single thing that made Gremlins great."

"Mad respect for the gaffer. He must have invested in colored lights."

"I looked it up. There's a sequel. It's $50."
"I'm all in."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: The two-minute rake fight scene. They should've used professional stunt men.

Joe: The bar scene climax. All of those hobgoblins dolls being shaken to look like they were actually alive. It made me happy.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, for it's low budget it made me laugh quite a lot.  

Joe: Yes. So much better than TROLL 2, which we'll get to soon. No espressos needed, but four beers and a shot will make it even more fun.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes, the whole world would change for the better, or worse.

Joe: Yes. I'm going to force friends to endure it.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Give it time, and I'll pop it in again.

Joe: Yes. This deserves it's own dedicated channel on cable TV where is is played 24 hours a day.

Talon: Did you see HOBGOBLINS? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Do people control you with their hands? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about: he has his own clothing line, he performs live shows, it's the reason he got famous, Tommy Wiseau's THE ROOM.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Deadly Prey (1987)

DEADLY PREY directed by David A. Prior

Ranked 5.8/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: This might be the best movie ever made.

Kidding, it is the best movie ever made.

Directed and written by David A Prior.

Main stars are:

Cameron Mitchell as Jamie's father. He's a retired police officer, but that doesn't stop him from kicking ass.

Troy Donahue as Don Michaelson. Believe it or not, Troy was a big Hollywood actor back in the 60's but his downfall wasn't filing for bankruptcy, or getting sued by Warner Bros, it was this role in DEADLY PREY.

And Ted Prior as Mike Danton. Quick fact, Ted and David Prior are brothers. With Ted's Playgirl centerfold looks, and David's... ability to film things, they are unstoppable. Together they will rock your world!

Joe: They rocked my world.

Talon: At the start of this 88 minute marathon, my eyes are plagued by poopy footage of a man being chased by a group of mercenaries in a forest. These soldiers are so bad-ass that they hunt innocent defenseless people and kill them.

That's how they train for combat. Gunning down half-naked, unarmed civilians.

Other training includes: Firing from the hip. Never reloading. Being completely oblivious to your surroundings. Having a mullet; that's the most important one. Wearing sunglasses, day or night time. Raping people. And bad lip-syncing.

So by coincidence they capture Mike Danton. The hero of the movie, who is rocking the best 80s mullet of all time, and this is in a film where everyone has a mullet. Little do the villains know, Mike is a 'Nam veteran. Soon Mike is stripped down to his cutoff daisy duke jean shorts, slathered in baby oil, and forced to run unarmed into a forest as they hunt him down.

Mike never puts on a shirt again.

Joe: If I was ripped like that, I'd probably do the same thing.

Talon: The movies progresses to Mike killing the soldiers one by one in the funniest ways. A twig through the heart. A neck snap. Jumping from a tree. Back-stabbing. Drowning. An avalanche of fake rocks. Branch traps. Digging pits.

Joe: Everything but taking their guns and shooting them.

Talon: Mike is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

It's awesome.

But it gets better. Each kill he does, or whenever something dramatic happens, the soundtrack blasts a synthesized DA DA DUN!

Joe: Singing DA DA DUN! along with the movie is a lot of fun.

Talon: While Mike is killing everyone chasing him, Mike's wife calls up her dad instead of the police, and tells him about the kidnapping. Cameron Mitchell somehow knows about the plot of the movie and hes fed up with it! After telling his daughter to lock her doors and windows, Cameron decides to take matters into his own hands by sneaking inside the army base, killing soldiers with crotch kicks and slow punches to the face, vanishing for half the film, and faking his death in order to kill the rich business man operating the mercenaries.

But before he shoots the rich business man, he squints and rapidly shouts, "Who am I? A little man who spent twenty seven years of his life as a cop trying to put bigshots like you away. Twenty seven years in the filth of the dirt of the street and there ain't no music down there. You watch the people in the streets killing raping each other pumping goat through their veins while big men like you sit in the fancy penthouses.... Today the no-bodies that made you are gonna win. Die you son of a bitch."

Then he shoots his rich ass.


Amazing. I wish Cameron Mitchell was my Dad.

Joe: Hey!

Talon: DA DA DUN!

At this point, I don't know who's more bad-ass. I think its a solid tie between Cameron Mitchell, Ted Prior, and Clint Eastwood.


Here's another great line by him when he spots a soldier in the forest when he was on his little mercenary killing spree.

"Stop! Friend or enemy?"
"I'm your friend!"
"You're a liar!" Bang! he shoots him.


Joe: I have an urge to watch this again. There is an epic fight scene between two guys with mullets. Then, later, there is another fight scene between two guys with mullets, and it's impossible to tell if it is the same guys as before.

Talon: So the bad guys kidnap Mike's wife and rape her. The scene wasn't graphic at all, she looked like she was trying not to giggle.

And eventually we get a bro-mance with Mike and Don because they recognize each other from Nam, and they arm themselves up and destroy the base.

Then Don dies, Mike's wife dies, and Mike hunts his former commander in a clever role-reversal that everyone saw coming.

The End.

First Impressions:

Talon: I was pretty excited. The cover looked pretty bad-ass, but I wasn't exactly sure what deadly prey meant. Wouldn't he be a predator if he was deadly? Is this about squirrels that somehow gained intelligence and they want to lead a resistance to save all the nuts in the world?

Surprisingly, the movie wasn't about that.

Regardless, I found DEADLY PREY hysterical. It really tries to be a fun action film. It's got the villain. The hero. The woman. Explosions. Fighting. Guns. Twig murders. Back stabbing moments, like when someone gets stabbed in the back. 

It did feel a lot like RAMBO, but not really.  

Something was missing, like logic and common sense.

Joe: It wasn't missing mullets. That's for sure.

There were so many fun things in DEADLY PREY. Some standouts include:

He's on the run for six minutes, then eats an earthworm. You know, because he needs the energy. No rubber worm here. Dude bites it in half and chews. I'm guessing the ASPCA wasn't on set.

A merc ranting about Mike keeps drinking from a beer bottle that is so obviously empty.

Mike dislocates his shoulder, which causes him to limp.

Dude in the first scene is wearing tattered clothes. Completely tattered, like he'd been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years.

After Mike is tortured, he looks like he was beaten up by a bad make-up artist.

At least four men and one woman in the cast resemble Bee Gees.

Mike cleverly uses the forest to camouflage himself by wrapping a single vine around his neck.

The list goes on and on. It's awesome.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"He's limping after he got his shoulder dislocated."

"Newest medical research says putting a rock in your armpit will fix your dislocated shoulder."

"Almost as good as PLATOON."

"My eyesight isn't good. What does the timer say? Twenty-six minutes?"
"No, it's twenty-five. DA DA DON! "

"So he finally escapes and gets back home, and rather than call the cops he decides to whittle some tree branches into stakes."

"Were not hunting him. He's hunting us! DA DA DON!"

"All this... and a bromance."

"Is she wearing a camouflage diaper?"

"This guy can bench-press 350 pounds and he's tied up with one strand of twine."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When Mike blew up the helicopter. The explosion lasted two seconds.

Joe: When Mike cut off the dude's arm and beat him to death with it. Because he's a master of armed combat.

I also could have said, "Well, he was in the armed forces." Or, "That's how you disarm a guy."

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes. This is one of the best worst movies ever.

Joe: Yes. And you won't need any espressos to stay awake. But three beers and a shot will make it even more fun.

Share it? 

Talon: I have already. With my pet goldfish, Larry. He liked it.

Joe: Yes. I'm going to force everyone I know to see this movie. It's wonderful.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes. It makes me giggle like a little girl.

Joe: Yes. I may watch this several times a year, forever.

Talon: Did you see DEADLY PREY? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Have you ever had a mullet? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, the infamous furry little puppets... HOBGOBLINS!

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Deadly Weapons (1974)

DEADLY WEAPONS directed by Doris Wishman

Ranked 3.3/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: This is going to be a long, and very tough plot explanation. There are so many twists, building conflict, and a theme that only Shakespeare himself can explain....

Joe: It's a movie about a stripper who kills men with her gigantic boobs.

Talon: Didn't that happen in Hamlet?

Joe: No. It was King Lear. With an emphasis on the leer.

Talon: I knew it was the bard. As I was saying, DEADLY WEAPONS is more sophisticated and more well-executed than anything I've ever watched in my life.

Directed by Doris Wishman, famous for creating several early sexplotation films.

Main Cast includes:

Chesty Morgan as Crystal. An advertising executive?

And 70's porn star Harry Reems, and his mustache, as Tony.

We start off the 74 minute run time strong with the only two jiggling watermelon-sized great reasons to watch this film.

Already it's better than JAWS 4.

Joe: Chesty Morgan, who is still alive and probably hobbled by back problems, had a 73 inch bust. They were natural, which is easy to determine in the film because; gravity.

Talon: When that first scene ends, the movie becomes terrible. Both technically and artistically. Actors' lips don't match the dubbing. The music is repetitive and awful. Bad editing. Non-existent cinematography. A non-existent script. Wooden acting.

Joe: The sets and costumes are among the ugliest of all time. Part of that was the 1970s. But I'm betting a lot of it was due to low budgets and just not caring.

Talon: Couches covered with plastic. Shag carpeting. Tacky clothing, mile-high platform shoes. Terrible wigs. That bar set was about as convincing as the drugstore set in ZAAT.

And the filming itself. Doris Wishman simply cannot shoot a man running down the stairs away from mobsters.

But! She can and does shoot a lot of Chesty Morgan doing normal human tasks. Like looking in the mirror naked with her arms raised above her head. Taking baths that mostly involve washing her boobs. Rubbing her boobs in front of a kaleidoscope of mirrors.

Joe: At least the movie is in focus. Mostly.

This movie is just... awful. Whether or not you consider it unbearably awful or enjoyably awful will depend on how drunk you are.

Talon: Other than Chesty Morgan rubbing and fondling her chest in the most un-erotic way for half the movie, here's the full plot of DEADLY WEAPONS. Remember, pay attention to my choice of words, and if you need a notepad to keep track of things please do so.

Chesty's boyfriend gets killed by stock footage of a revolver firing. On her quest for revenge she becomes a stripper, seduces the killers, drugs them, and kills them by smothering them with her eponymous deadly weapons.

Then she finds out her father killed her boyfriend and they both kill each other with the same stock footage of a revolver being fired.

The end.

So yeah, Shakespeare stuff.

First Impressions:

Talon:  So Joe shoved a movie into the DVD player, and I went in with zero expectations... as usual. Just an innocent 19 year old watching a movie with his family. I saw the disc title and that brought up an array of thoughts. Hmm, is it super grenades? Nuclear warfare? A kung-fu movie about a martial art nun-chuck wielding master? Politicians?

I didn't know the actors, or whether it was going to be a bad or great movie, because my father does occasionally watch good films.

So I roll with it, and am greeted by a woman with the biggest boobs I've ever seen, shaking them for the camera for a hilarious three minutes.

Joe: I think it was only about thirty seconds.

Talon: It felt like three minutes. It wasn't sexy at all. It was mostly awkward.

And that's why this movie is the best worst movie ever.

It could've ended there and I would've been happy with saying it was better than James Cameron's TERMINATOR.

Unfortunately, DEADLY WEAPONS didn't end there. It tried to be a movie. And failed.

Then it won my heart again, when Chesty suffocated the mobsters with her boobs. Well, I wouldn't call it suffocating. The actor looked like he was enjoying it, but after two minutes of grunting and wiggling, enough was enough, so he went back to being an actor and pretended to die.

So it was sitting through 70 minutes of the most boring movie ever to watch 4 minutes of dubious entertainment.

Joe: I had to use forks to keep my eyes open, this was so boring.

JAWS IV, or HOWARD THE DUCK, are bad movies, but they're professional Hollywood productions with big budgets and huge crews. There is a minimal level of competence there.

DEADLY WEAPONS, like a lot of other infamous low budget indie films, is barely competent. It's an endurance test. Like watching Grandpa's Super 8 home movies, if Grandpa spent a lot of time in 70s burlesque joints with bad actors.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Her boobs are bigger than our basset hound." (our basset hound, Harry, weighs 90 pounds)

"The camera man had the best job ever."

"What happens when she gets old?"
"You know how boats have anchors."

"Story by... There's a story?"

"Least erotic bubble bath in cinema history."

"Is that spiky clock the deadly weapon of the movie?"
"No. That's 1970s decor."

"She used an entire suitcase to pack one bra."
"It was a big bra."

"I'm beginning to think this movie isn't very good."

"Look at that bar. It's totally someone's basement."

"How to Spy on People 101, sit right next to them."

"She has pills in her cleavage?"
"Talk about a medicine chest."
"I also could have made a drug bust joke."

"How long is this?"
"Too long!"

"You can tell she's having a flashback because Vaseline is blurring the edges of the film frame."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When she gets her hotel room. and calls front desk to ask if the mobster was there. When told no, she waits thirty seconds, calls again, and is again told no.

Joe: When Chesty's loser boyfriend is killed while he's on the phone with her. It has to be seen to be believed. The dialog is priceless.

Watch it?

Talon: Yes, the two minutes of laughter was worth it to me.

Joe: Yes. But you'll need three espressos to stay awake, and three beers and a shot for the pain.

There will never be another movie like this. Except for the unofficial sequel, DOUBLE AGENT 73. Which we'll watch eventually.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes, but don't tell your friends anything about it. Surprise them. It'll be funnier.

Joe: Yes. I can think of two reasons.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes. I've never seen anything like it.

Joe: Yes. Though billed as a sexploitation film, this is surprisingly innocent and harmless in a naive way.

Talon: Did you see DEADLY WEAPON? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Can your boobs kill people? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, a mullet versus mullet action film, and a completely different deadly... DEADLY PREY!

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Jaws 4: The Revenge (1987)

JAWS: THE REVENGE directed by Joseph Sargent

Ranked 2.9/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Man, I hate this movie. Like really really really hate this movie.

Joe: It's not as bad as some things. Like being waterboarded.

Talon: Directed by Joseph Sargent.

Main cast: Lorraine Gary as Ellen Brody. She has the worst haircut ever... it keeps me awake at night.

Mitchell Anderson as Sean Brody. Quick fun fact; he was Chief Brody's son in JAWS. The same actor, all grown up, has decided to follow in his father's footsteps after Chief died of a heart attack.

Joe: Roy Scheider didn't actually die. He just couldn't make JAWS: THE REVENGE, because he'd read the script.

Talon: But Sean quickly gets eaten by Jaws while trying to remove a log from a buoy.

Joe: You'd be surprised how often that happens in law enforcement.

Talon: Lance Guest as Michael Brody. He's a marine biologist in the Bahamas.

And Michael Caine as Hoague Newcombe. He's a pilot.

With a budget of 23 million, JAWS 4's main premise is Ellen has a really, really bad feeling that the shark is intentionally after her and her family. This is because her husband didn't actually die from a heart attack, but from his fear of sharks.

Joe: I would now like to coin the term shardiac arrest.

Talon: And her son, Sean, didn't die from getting eaten. It was his fear of getting eaten, while getting eaten, that killed him,

Joe: Also, it was him getting eaten.

Talon: More stupid writing later, Ellen flies down to the Bahamas to live with her son, Lance.

Joe: I like Lance a lot, sir.

Talon: But even 3000 miles away from New York, in warm waters that great white sharks never venture near, Ellen has nightmares of Jaws attacking her and her family. This is based off her gut feeling that the shark... is out for revenge!

Joe: You'd be surprised how often that happens in marine biology.

Talon: So right after Jaws types Bahamas in his GPS, and computes with his self-aware shark conscience that Ellen Brody and her family are the one's he wants to kill, Jaws swims 3000 miles to the Bahamas.

Joe: It's like that real life story of the family dog who got lost on vacation, and then travelled 3000 miles home by learning to pilot a commercial airliner. Then, when he got home, he ate his family.

Talon: So there's a conflict with Ellen and her son because she wants him to work on land and Lance claims she's being silly. Great whites don't swim in warm waters.

Then Jaws attacks him.

Who would've guessed?

Joe: Lance's job is to study conch. And they didn't make a single conch joke.

Those conch suckers.

Talon: Meanwhile, I guess Michael Caine is trying to win Ellen's heart because he's got a fetish for bad haircuts, and Lance stabs a device into Jaws that tracks its presence through its heartbeat.


So whenever the great white is around them, instead using something obvious like sonor, or their own eyes, they hear its heart rate on a monitor aboard the boat.


Joe: This is actually a new iOS app called Digital Touch, and you can text your heartbeat to others. JAWS IV predicted it by 30 years. Pretty impressive.

Talon: So this ends by Ellen being fed up with people dying and her fear of sharks that she takes Lance's friend's boat, to track down Jaws and then... well, that's where her plan ends. Steal a boat, and go out to sea.

Joe: It makes about as much sense as anything else in this movie.

Talon: Then Michael Caine, Lance, and Lance's friend Jake take a plane to search for Ellen. After spotting her, Michael lands the plane next to her boat, even though it isn't a water plane, to save her by... well, that's where his plan ends.

Joe: It's also where his plane ends.

Talon: So Jake quickly makes a bomb out of stuff on the boat that can also shock the shark with electronic impulses.  He gets attacked and shoves the device into the shark's mouth.

Then, using their obvious brilliance in marine science, they shock the shark with electronic impulses until it gets pissed off.

Meanwhile, the only way the bomb explodes isn't by a detonator, that'd be too smart, it's when Ellen steers the boat and stabs the bomb with the boat's bowsprit exactly when the shark leaps out the water from, you know, the painful electronic impulses.

Smile you son of a bitch!

The end.

First Impressions:

Talon: Being a fan of the Jaws franchise, particularly the first one, I knew this one wasn't going to be as great as the first, but I wasn't expecting the concoction of edited footage to be this terrible. Seriously, it's 90 minutes of disappointment and sadness.

I need a psychologist to help me cope with all the negative emotion JAWS 4 inflicted upon me.

Joe: So let's focus on the good moments.

Talon: There weren't any good moments. And they're weren't any awesome bad moments. It wasn't fun, and it wasn't trying to be fun. They probably spent all twenty three million on Michael Caine and copious amounts of drugs.

Joe: JAWS 2 wasn't very good compared to the first. I liked JAWS 3 because it was in 3D, and had some fun scenes.

JAWS IV: THE REVENGE made me sad in my feels.

Talon: That's it. Eight blog posts in and I'm done being abused by horrible movies. Every time I watch one, sharp pain develops behind my eyes. But now the agony strikes every time I think of JAWS 4.

Oh no, Lorraine Gary's haircut... Oh god. The pain... THE PAIN!

Joe: JAWS 4 came out in 1987. I broke my leg in 1987. JAWS 4 hurt more.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Is abortion legal when you're nineteen years old?"
"Yes. But I'll still shoot you. We'll call it a mercy killing."

"I hate this more than HOWARD THE DUCK. And ZAAT."
"ZAAT was worse. But I hear you."

"Huh, and Spielberg passed on the chance to direct this."

"I'm beginning to think that the producers are just trying to cash in on a hit franchise."

"That haircut... I can't."

"So... the shark followed them from New York to the Bahamas?"
"Mistakes were made."

"Worst. Sequel. Ever."
"You haven't seen EXORCIST 2, yet. Or BLUES BROTHERS 2000."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When Ellen blew up Jaws with the boat and the movie finally ended.

Joe: When Ellen stares at an abstract sculpture for an extended period of time for no reason at all.

Watch it? 

Talon: A thousand times no. This movie killed me.

Joe: Yes. This is proof that Hollywood will greenlight anything. But you'll need one espresso to stay awake, and three beers and a shot for the pain.

Share it? 

Talon: If you enjoy torturing your friends, then show them this.

Joe: Yes. Only with continuing Blu Ray sales will Universal consider JAWS 5: JAWS IN COLLEGE.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: No. I never want to see this again.

Joe: I've seen it three times. In the theater. Then, years later, on VHS, because I wanted to make sure the first time wasn't a hallucination. And now once more with you. So chances are high you'll wind up encountering JAWS IV: THE REVENGE again.

Sorry, son. Life sucks sometimes.

Talon: Did you see JAWS 4? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Did this movie hit you in the feels? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, legendary 73-32-36 CHESTY MORGAN in DEADLY WEAPONS!

Sunday, January 15, 2017

The Giant Spider Invasion (1975)

THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION directed by Bill Rebane

Ranked 2.8/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Directed by Bill Rebane, produced by three people, and written by two people. They should be thankful that I don't mention their names because this movie had me hovering a razor above my wrist the entire running time.

Joe: I actually cut myself. Twice.

Talon: Main cast include:

Steve Brodie as Dr. J.R. Vance.

Barbara Hale as Dr. Jenny Langer.

These two are quintessential scientists. They're the ones guiding the audience with their complex chemistry formulas and advanced theologies of physics.

Not really.

Alan Hale, Jr as Sheriff Jones. People know him from the sitcom, GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. No relation to Barbara Hale.

Leslie Parrish as Ev Kester.

Bill Williams as Dutch.

I believe that these two are husband and wife in the movie. Not even sure at this point.

Joe: They're brother and sister.

Or maybe father and daughter.

I'm not sure either.

Talon: And the most important role for the whole movie, Paul Bentzen, owner of the rock shop.

That guy rocks.

Joe: Every small town has a rock shop.

It's where the local kids get stoned.

Talon: With a 300 thousand dollar budget, the movie starts off strong with a blue smudge from outer space heading toward Earth. The beginning of the giant spider invasion!

We also see shots of a priest preaching about the end of the Earth, but I don't think that's relevant to the movie.

Joe: You can't say that! If you took out every scene in THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION that isn't relevant to the movie, the movie would be 38 seconds long.

Talon: After the comet lands a hundred feet behind Dutch's house, causing an explosion which the scientists claim is nuclear, Dutch avoids investigating it because he's tired and wants to go to bed. Which he's totally entitled to.

Joe: I felt the same way. We were only a few minutes into this and I wanted to go to bed too.

Talon: Ev, apparently an alcoholic, plays the role of nagging wife/sister/daughter, and keeps yapping about how a meteor landed in their backyard.

Joe: A meteor landed on our property! Nag, nag, nag.

Talon: Then the scientists ramble about science stuff like black holes, and radiation, and they also include endless stationary shots of Sheriff Jones on the phone.

This happens so much, that half the movie--and keep in mind its called THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION--half the freaking movie is Sheriff Jones on the phone. It's a double fail when I have to not only listen to his dumb convos, but witness his hairy chest. Like what the hell kind of sheriff wears a shirt with more buttons off than on?

Joe: I know we exaggerate things for comic effect on this blog, but this movie literally has scenes of people talking on the phone for 350 minutes.

Talon: Then we're back to Dutch and Ev's home. They finally....

Oh my god. Imma take five. Describing these terrible movies is really taking a toll on my brain.

Joe: Push through the pain. Because beyond that pain... is more pain.

In the form of people talking on the phone.

Talon: So they investigate the freaking comet that landed in their spacious backyard and discover carcasses of cows, and strange looking rocks.

Ahh, yes. Strange-looking egg-shaped rocks. Let's take them home.

So they crack one open and it's filled with diamonds! They know it's a diamond because it cuts glass, which we are forced to watch. But just to be sure, Dutch decides to take it to Paul, the rock shop owner.

Man, that guy rocks.

Next morning I guess, or later on that day, I don't know, Dutch changed clothes, Ev is drinking vodka by the bottle. She claims there are spiders all over the house. I wonder why?

Maybe its a...


Joe: Except these spiders are not giant.

All we've seen so far is eight seconds of spiders, and half an hour of people talking on the phone. They should call this movie THE GIANT PEOPLE TALKING ON THE PHONE INVASION. Or even better, THE GIANT WASTE OF TIME.

Talon: Dutch cleverly responds by saying she's hallucinating from the booze.

Right. I hate it when I get drunk and start seeing spiders. In fact... that should be a new DUI law!

Joe: "Have you been drinking?"

"No, officer."

"Are you seeing spiders?"


"You have the right to remain silent."

"Do I get a phone call? One that I can film for ninety and release in theaters under a misleading title?"

Talon: Screw a breathalyzer! The bartender can simply ask how many spiders you're seeing. Point zero eight is the legal spider-seeing limit in Illinois, but some states might be different. Always check your local spider-seeing laws on drinking and seeing spiders.

So Ev goes to bed, and there's those weird-looking rocks all around her room.

The scene is set up so bad, its like she's actually waiting for the director to tell her when the spider is crawling behind her. So she gets scared and runs to their tiny shack and gets attacked by a giant stuffed spider.

We don't see her the rest of the movie.

Poor Ev. Killed by an inanimate fuzzy object.

Meanwhile, Dutch, who's also named Dan I guess, meets up with Paul, the rock shop owner.

Man, that guy rocks.

They discuss how much his diamonds are worth, and it's not that much.

Joe: Riveting cinema. I was on the edge of my seat that whole scene, because I'd fallen asleep.

Talon: Back to the scientists.

Steve says, "Well it fits. Einstein's general theory of relativity."

Steve... Friend. Pal. Brother from another mother. We've known each other for how long? About fifty minutes into this movie, and you're talking about the structure of space-time?!

Steve, a freaking meteor smashed into Earth carrying giant spiders, which we haven't seen yet, and you wanna talk about how the speed of light is the same for all observers?

Well, Steve, I have to say, the last brain cell I had just disintegrated into nothing. All because of you. You feel good about that, Steve?

Joe: Which one was Steve? The rock guy? Or the farmer/father/brother/husband?

Talon: Later on, Dutch is planting his crops, and finally something awesome happens. It's what I've been waiting a whole hour for...

You ready?

An enormous spider, the size of a car with legs longer than street lamps, attacks and swallows him whole.

Joe: That was almost worth the previous hour of watching people talk on the phone.


Talon: Next great spider scene is when Paul, the rock shop owner...

Joe: Man, that guy rocks.

Talon: ...is driving home and the giant spider lands on his car and begins punching him through the window.


Finally, the epic ending. The two scientists defeat the ginormous spider, cleverly destroying the spider's interdimemsional gateway by shooting a flare gun towards the sky.

Finding the spider's only weakness, the end result is zoomed-in shots of melting spider parts until the whole arachnid catches on fire and explodes.


Joe: That rock shop guy rocks.

First Impressions:

Talon: In spite of all the long phone conversations, the bad acting, the terrible plot and character development, the dumb science, and the limited time we saw the giant spider...

...this movie still sucks.

Joe: The giant spider, which was actually a Volkswagon covered in fake black fur, was a joy to behold. Whether it's worth sitting through the running time to see it in action depends on how high you are.

Talon: Put ISHTAR back in.

Joe: Put anything back in. Put a coaster int he DVD player, we'll watch that instead.

Talon: Just don't put ZAAT back in. That movie makes me want to cut off my arms and fall from a great height.

Joe: I hate ZAAT like I hate poverty and disease.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"I've never seen a movie with more people talking on the phone."

"All small towns have a rock shop."

"The bush blew up the motorcycle."

"If they cut every scene with people talking on the phone, this movie would be eight minutes long."

"Is that his sister? Is Dutch trying to nail his sister?"

"Paul looks a lot like Charles Manson."
"Hey, don't talk about Paul like that. That guy rocks."

"Is that car a Dodge Dart?"
"No, its a hatch back."

"Is that a Dodge Dart?"

"Hey, I think that's a Dodge Dart."
"Oh my god."

"That giant spider is actually pretty cool."
"Is it? I ripped out my own eyes twenty minutes ago."

"I hate you, Dad."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: The spider sucking up Dutch like spaghetti.

Joe: That extended scene with the Sheriff talking on the phone.

Watch it? 

Talon: No. Waste your time doing something else. Like counting to ten thousand.

Joe: Yes. If only for the rock shop scene. But you'll need three espressos to stay awake, and three beers and a shot for the pain.

Share it? 

Talon: Only to the people who think counting to ten-thousand is fun.

Joe: Yes. I'm going to call all of my friends and tell them to watch this movie. And I'm going to film my phone calls and release that footage as a movie of its own.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: I'd watch the end again. Or the scenes where the spider attacks people.

Joe: Yes. This film is visual Xanax. Next time I'm having a panic attack, I can watch this to lull me into a stupor.

Talon: Did you see THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Did this movie abolish your arachnophobia? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, the astonishing JAWS: THE REVENGE!


Ishtar (1987)

ISHTAR directed by Elaine May

Ranked 4.2/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Directed and written by Elaine May. A female directer! Which is pretty cool.

Joe: Elaine May is very cool.

Talon: Main stars include:

Dustin Hoffman as Chuck Clarke.

Warren Beatty as Lyle Rogers.

And Isabelle Adjani as Shirra Assel.

With a hefty budget of 51 million, we have two singer/songwriters, Chuck and Lyle, who've decided to become a duo like Simon and Garfunkel.

But there's a catch; they suck.

Joe: They're terrible, in the funniest way possible. The montage of them writing songs is genius.

Yes, I used the word genius on this blog. ISHTAR is considered one of the biggest turkeys and bombs of all time, and it is genius.

Here are some of Chuck and Lyle's best lyrics:

"I'm just looking for a stove to put my pies in."

"I can see her standing in the backyard of my mind she cracks her knuckles and the scab that's on her knee won't go away."

"She said come look there's a wardrobe of love in my eyes, take your time look around and see if there's something your size."

"Software, I'm looking for software, I gotta have software, for my machine."

Whoever wrote the lyric, "Telling the truth is a bitter herb" deserves a stack of grammys.

Talon: Chuck and Lyle's ladies have both dumped them, not because they're terrible, hopeless musicians, but because the women just don't understand there's no business like show business!

The duo lands a sleazy agent, and the only place they can sing their hearts out for money is in Morocco.

They fly to the imaginary country of Ishtar, and Chuck gets cornered at the airport by Shirra, Her life is in danger and she needs Chuck's passport to flee to USA.

What didn't work here was how Chuck thought a beautiful woman like Isabelle Adjani was a boy, even though she wore a turban.

When she flashes a boob to prove otherwise, Dustin Hoffman's reaction is priceless.

Joe: I thought it worked. Chuck and Lyle were so oblivious to everything, this fit in with the tone of the film. ISHTAR is a screwball comedy, and it wallows in absurdity. Yes, it's stupid, but it's also funny and charming.

Talon: Moving right along, Chuck and Lyle are unintentionally involved with overthrowing the Ishtar government because of the CIA agent Jim Harrison (played by Charles Grodin) and Shirra, and they wind up getting lost in a desert... because of CIA  agent Jim Harrison (played by Charles Grodin) and Shirra.

After a couple days, dehydrated and ready to die, they stumble across a secret gun selling operation and Chuck is mistaken for a translator. He rolls with it and the scene is funny.

Then they find out its the CIA selling guns, and after a rough escape with them almost blowing up a helicopter, the duo have their show business dream tour come true by blackmailing the CIA and having them pay for it.

The end.

First Impressions:

Talon: I liked it! ISHTAR wasn't blow-my-mind astonishing, but it shouldn't be credited as one of the worst movies ever made. This doesn't come close in awfulness to some of the shit I've seen.

Joe: I saw ISHTAR in the theater back in 1987. I liked it then. I like it now. The songs are laugh out loud funny, and all the actors commit fully and do a great job.

This is a three star movie. Unlike some of the other films we've watching, such as--

Talon: You don't wanna go down that road, man!

Don't do it!

No! Oh no! Not ZAAT. Please don't bring back the ZAAT!

Hugging myself and rocking back and forth under a hot shower is the only way to cope after seeing ZAAT.

ISHTAR, on the other hand, had laughs. Some romance and suspense. Good characters. A great soundtrack. And it was ongoing fun with an adorable ending.

Turns on intercom.

Action action! Read all about it! The haters are wrong! The haters are wrong!

The only thing wrong with this movie was the soundtrack was never released.

Joe: Agreed. I'd pay a hundred bucks for an official soundtrack. Though you can download some mp3 clips of songs here: http://www.ishtarthemovie.com/Songs.php

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Finally! A movie that doesn't suck!"

(singing loudly) "Telling the truth can be dangerous business!"

"How did they mistake her for a boy?"
"It's a reverse TOOTSIE."

"Holy crap Dustin Hoffman is in this?"
"It's a reverse TOOTSIE."

"This is going on our blog?"
"I know. It's good."

"This movie shouldn't have been panned. Critics suck."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When Chuck is trying to impersonate an arms dealer, and he ends up spitting complete gibberish.

Joe: The songwriting montage. "That a lawnmower can do all that... it's amazing."

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, it'll give you a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

Joe: Yes. Here is the first of many movies we're reviewing on this website that doesn't deserve the bad reputation it's received. You won't need any espressos to stay awake, but two beers will make it even funnier.

Share it? 

Talon: Of course. ISHTAR rocks socks!

Joe: Yes. This should be watched by crowds with Rocky Horror-type audience participation.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Oh yeah. Now that I've learned the songs this movie is a definite re-watch.

Joe: Yes. I've seen this four times. I'll see it several more times before I kick off.

Talon: Did you see ISHTAR? Do you think ISHTAR is one of the worst movies of all time? Is telling the truth a dangerous business? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, Bill Rebane's unbelievable THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION!