Wednesday, February 1, 2017

The Room (2003)

THE ROOM directed by Tommy Wiseau

Ranked 3.5/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: I think I'm having a nerdgasm right now.

Tommy Wiseau is a marble-sculpted living legend who directs, produces, writes, and stars in his own movies.

Er, I mean movie. He's only made one so far.

He also has his own underwear company, his own sitcom, and his own production company called Wiseau-Films.

I'm wearing his brand underwear right now. It fits in all the wrong places, and for some reason I want to play catch with a football.

Joe: Fair warning before we get into this blog; I've seen THE ROOM seven times, and I will never watch the Academy Awards again for snubbing Wiseau.

Oh hi, Talon.

Talon: Main Cast are:

Tommy Wiseau as Johnny.

Greg Sestero as Mark. In real life, Greg wrote a book named THE DISASTER ARTIST about Tommy Wiseau and all the insane things he would do on set: Replacing crews. Reshooting a scene until it was perfect in his way. Filming the same scene over and over on different indoor sets. Changing the script multiple times. Constantly forgetting his lines to the point where most of the movie is dubbed. Constant rewrites. Shooting on green screen even though locations were perfectly acceptable (Wiseau insisted that real movies have green screen.)

In THE ROOM, Mark is Johnny's best friend.

We know this is true because they say it a lot, and they play catch and jog together at awkward times like all best friends do.

Joe: They even play catch while jogging together.

Having seen this film so many times, I'm pretty sure Wiseau is either from another planet, or was born in a science lab where he didn't meet any other people until he was forty. I mean this as the highest possible compliment; he approaches filmmaking like someone who is observing the human race for the first time and trying to understand it. There is simply no other writer/actor/director like Wiseau.

Talon: Juliette Danielle as Lisa. Johnny's fiance.

And Philip Haldiman as Denny. Some kid that lives in the same apartment building. His role is to barge into Johnny's home unexpectedly, say how pretty Lisa is, and then say he has to go.

Fun Fact: Every single guy in this movie who talks to Lisa, always compliments how pretty she is.

Joe: Fun Fact #2: Everyone who visits the apartment stays for around a minute and then says they have to go. I'm guessing because Wiseau wanted the scene to be over, and decided it was time for those characters to leave. But it happens so often it becomes surreal.

Oh, hi Talon.

Talon: Oh, hi Joe.

Joe: How about a game of catch?

Talon: It's what people do and it is a lot of fun, but let's get through this blog post first.

With a six million(!) dollar budget and a run time of 99 amazing/agonizing/life-changing/spectacular/ minutes, the film starts off with Johnny coming home from work and giving Lisa a new red dress. Then they're about to make some sweet, sweet belly button love--don't worry I'll explain-- but Denny barges into their house.

Oh hi, Denny.

So Denny wants to watch them make love, which everyone thinks is funny, but he leaves and so begins the best sex scene of all time.

It has it all.

Pillow fights. Johnny humping her belly slowly and passionately. Seriously, dude is going at it about seven inches too high. It's missionary style without the sex part.

Tossing rose pedals on Lisa's boobs.

More anatomically incorrect missionary.

More rose pedals.

Even more pillow fights.

Then it's the morning and Johnny has to go to work.

After seeing Denny several more times to talk about pretty Lisa is, and then seeing Lisa's mom a bunch of times to discuss how Lisa has security with Johnny and she lives a good life, the plot somehow morphs into Lisa not loving Johnny anymore, but loving his best friend, Mark! Holy betrayal! After all, we've been told a zillion times that Mark is Johnny's best friend! And Johnny is so good to Lisa! What's going on?!? Oh my god!

Oh hi, Denny.

Oh hi, Joe.

Joe: Oh, hi Talon. Ha-ha-ha.

Talon: Tommy Wiseau has an amazing laugh. It sounds like a three burst soft cough, and he does it more times than saying "hi Denny."

Oh hi, Joe.


Joe: Ha-ha-ha.

Talon: You really need to hear it. It's like he doesn't know how to act like a human being.

Joe: Another vote for the alien/science experiment hypothesis. He can't act like a person.

Talon: He can't act, period. He's unable to perform the lines he wrote himself.

Joe: And yet, he's probably the only one who could perform the lines he wrote himself.

Talon: So Mark doesn't want to betray his best friend Johnny, but he eventually caves in to Lisa's seductive sex talk. They finally make out on the spiral stair case, while the soundtrack plays "You are my rose, you are my rose, you are my rose" so many times that it will take over your mind for weeks afterward. Then Mark humps her knee.

Both Mark and Johnny can't seem to find the vagina. Maybe that's why Lisa's having these tantrums.

The rest of the movie is:

Lisa seeing Mom.

Lisa seeing Denny, who's now in love with her.

Lisa seeing Mom.

Lisa getting drunk with Johnny on what seems to be scotch and vodka.

Lisa seeing Mom and saying Johnny hit her.

Oh hi, Joe.

Mom saying she has cancer, and it never being mentioned again.

Johnny saying hi to a doggie.

Denny getting accosted by a drug dealer.

Lots of green screen rooftop meetings.

Lots of catch.

This movie is hilarious. After a bunch more sub-plots that never get resolved, bad writing, bad acting, scenes where they play catch with a football.... I'm serious, they all get together and play catch several times. The ending comes down to Lisa sleeping with Mark again and she sleeps with Johnny again. I lied earlier about Johnny's first sex scene being the best.

This is the best one, when Johnny goes for round two. You ready? It went like this.

Pillow fights. Johnny humping her belly slowly and passionately.

Tossing rose pedals on Lisa's boobs.

More missionary.

More rose pedals.

Even more pillow fights.

Joe: This was exactly what the movie needed; another endless sex scene that is almost identical to the previous one.

Talon: Eventually, Johnny gets suspicious about Lisa cheating on him like when he hears Lisa talking how she doesn't love him anymore, and later on Johnny and Lisa are arguing and he yells out the most famous line in the whole movie, "You're tearing me apart, Lisa!"

Joe: Wiseau is a James Dean fan. Oh, hi Talon.

Talon: Oh hi, Joe.


Denny is still being Denny, and at some point there's a sub plot scene where he's involved with buying drugs which is the pinnacle of dramatic conflict.

But I'm sticking with the main plot. So Lisa throws Johnny a surprise birthday party, because that's what you do when you hate your boyfriend and want to leave him for his best friend. At the party Johnny announces he's expecting but that never comes up again. Then the audience finds out through Lisa's friend and some random guy that Lisa lied to Johnny about being pregnant. Then the random guy says the funniest thing I've ever heard.

"I feel like I'm sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off."


Yes, Random Guy, I understand completely that you're feeling that intense about Lisa lying to Johnny, especially when this is your first scene in the movie.

Too funny.

So Mark, being Johnny's best friend, decides to make out with Lisa at the party and Johnny catches him. Then they brawl and it went like this:

Johnny pushes Mark. Then they grab each other by the shoulder and Johnny pushes him again and says, "Do not touch me mahdder foccker!"

And now, for the grand finale. The party is over, Lisa and Johnny are fighting. She calls Mark and he doesn't want to be Johnny's friend anymore. He only wants Lisa. So she leaves and Johnny has his climactic angsty breakdown.

Destroying mirrors. Messing up the bed. Knocking off picture frames. Opening drawers and dumping out clothes. He calms down a bit, and rests on the floor where he finds the red dress he bought Lisa in the beginning. Smelling it, he then rubs his crotch with the fabric and groans with resentment. Then screams, "Why! Why did this happen to me? Why! Why Lisa."

After ripping the dress, the movie only has a few minutes left. It has all built up to this very moment.

Johnny opens a jewelry box and reveals... a handgun.

After yelling more "Why Lisa. Why!" Johnny puts the gun in his mouth and shoots himself. Then Lisa and Mark gather round his body asking if he's dead after shooting himself in the head.

Best Worst Movie Ever.

The end.

First Impressions:

Talon: This movie amazed me in a bad way. I've seen this twice before we created this blog, and each time I was still shell-shocked on how Tommy Wiseau spent six million to create this terrible film. This drama had me laughing like it was a comedy. Tommy's even said his one of his inspirations is Alfred Hitchcock.

I definitely got the same vibe from THE ROOM as I did with PSYCHO.

So that's why Tommy's one of my favorite directors and its why I bought his Tommy Wiseau underwear. Wearing it everyday has improved my life. I laugh like him. I play catch. I have a best friend named Mark and we go jogging together. While playing catch.

Joe: Oh, hi Mark.

Talon: Alright, in all seriousness

I feel like I'm sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off.

This movie isn't good. It didn't make me want to punch the TV like JAWS 4 did, or fall asleep like ZAAT. I had a fun time viewing it alone, and with friends and family. Treat it like its a Rocky Horror Picture show and it's hilarious.

Even with the worst thing ever created, people have found a way to wring joy outta it.


Joe: THE ROOM has ROCKY HORROR type screenings around the country on a continuous basis, and Wiseau sometimes attends and answers questions. I haven't gone to one of these yet, but it's on my bucket list.

There has never been another movie like this. It will blow you mind.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Oh, hi Denny."

"How come you and I never played catch like that?"
"You're right. I failed as a parent."

"Yeah, that's how you record a phone line. With a cassette tape."
"What the hell is a cassette tape?"

"You're tearing me apart, Lisa!"
"Oh hi, Denny."

"What country is Wiseau from?"
"Alpha centauri."

"Oh, hi doggie."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: There's a lot, but I'm going with the second Johnny and Lisa sex scene.

Joe: The rooftop scene where they confront Denny about his drug problem.

Watch it? 

Talon: Absolutely. I've seen it twice. Each time just as hilarious.

Joe: Yes. You won't need any espresso, and this movie can even be enjoyed without any beer. Which is a first for this blog.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes, my pet fish Larry liked it. Along with my friends. We quote it to each other all the time.

Joe: Yes. But you don't have a pet fish. If you did, you'd need to name him Tommy. Or Johnny. Or Denny. Or Doggie. Back to the point; everyone in the world needs to see this movie.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes, I would watch again with anyone who hasn't seen it.

Joe: I think I'm going to watch it right now...

Talon: Did you see THE ROOM? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? What could you do with six million dollars? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, they suck literally and figuratively, they're giant, it should be classified as soft gay porn, it's... LEECHES!


  1. Johnny saying "Oh hi, Mark" was my text message notification until I got a new phone. My favorite line of dialogue...

    "I got the results from the doctor. I definitely have cancer!"
    "Oh, mom, don't worry about it."

  2. And then the cancer is never mentioned again.