Monday, April 17, 2017

The Mildew from Planet Xonader (2016)

THE MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER directed by Giulio De Santi, Neil Meschino

Ranked 6.0/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: The title pretty much explains the whole movie. Hell, the cover, too. It's a infectious killer alien mildew that landed on Earth, and it's on the prowl to melt faces unless you're in a room containing a dehumidifier.

Joe: Just when you thought it was safe to go into the steam room...

Talon: It's nice for once not being deceived by a movie's cover or title. For example, THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION's cover was nothing like the movie... Why does that spider have ten legs? Huh? What? They don't invade anything. They go to the fair. And... best to just read the blog post. 

Directed by Giulio De Santi and Neil Meschino. Two Italians keeping it classic by using tons of make-up, gallons of blood, and very little CGI. An obvious homage to Lucio Fulci, the Italian father of gore.

Joe: Suggested Fulci flicks include Zombie 2, The Beyond, and New York Ripper, where the killer talks like Donald Duck.

I'm not making that up. It's awesome.

Talon: Main Cast includes.

Willmar Zimosa as Toxic. He's a missionary on a quest to be bad-ass.

Edward X. Young as Colonel: Old guy who smokes a lot of cigars and talks about himself and Vietnam.

Mike Keller as Sergeant Brisco. Colonel's go-to man for everything.

Ardis Campbell as Julia Young. Only logical person in the movie. Also, the only woman. Probably not a coincidence.

Lawrence George as Roger. The nice guy scientist.

Rick Haymes as Dr. Matthew Kane. An older bald scientist.

And Chris Gentile as Dave. Another scientist that happens to have limited use of telekinetic powers. Dave and Roger don't get along, I think because of Julia.

The low-budget movie starts off... Awesome? Wait what? A first scene that is actually good? I don't want to tie my eye sockets in a knot and rub them with salt? On this blog?

Yes, it's true. We start off by viewing a scientist in a bio-suit examine a giant infected meteor swarming with green particles of alien mildew that's sitting on the beach. Walking closer, his inferior bio-suit proves it has no chance against the infectious microscopic lifeforms. They penetrates his suit, and the camera cuts to his face melting from the inside outwards in a soupy red and green mush of pure gore epicness.

For any gore fans, or shock lovers out there. This is a must.

Joe: The gore movie, in the tradition of the French Gran Guignol theater, which routinely perfromed plays where actors got their heads cut off and intestines ripped out, was brought to modern cinema by H.G. Lewis and his low budget splatterthon Blood Feast. Though, at the same time in Italy, Mario Bava was hammering spikes into witches faces in Black Sunday.

Bava was the better filmmaker, but Herschel will always have my heart.

Talon: The rest of the movie takes place in Bentan labs during the 80s. Where all the scientists I've mentioned above are working on using the Mildew as a weapon of mass destruction.

So far, so good! And I'm shocked! There's a variety of clean camera movements. Crisp sound. An awesome soundtrack. Gnarly SFX! Fun acting! How is this not a cult hit? How is this not as popular as HOWARD THE DUCK?

Just thinking about that movie makes me want to slam a door into my face.

Joe: I agree 100%. Whenever I think about HOWARD THE DUCK, I want to slam a door in your face.

Also, Xonader is pretty awesome.

Talon: Moving right a long.

The audience is introduced to all the actors by using dialog and plot to further on the story. The conflict begins when we watch a corrupt congressman take a bloody piss in the bathroom, and then do a line of cocaine off the sink..

Little does he and everyone else know: His cocaine had mildew on it.

Alien mildew.

Mildew... from Planet Xonader!


He meets back into the lab with the gang, and they discuss how they think the mildew works. Their boss is watching them discuss through a live stream on a TV. You can tell he's the bad guy just by the way he rubs his hands and laughs.

Dave tripped and hit his head earlier so he's passed out onto the ground.

Then, the congressmen, coked off his ass, eyes the corporal puffing away at his cigar and says.

"You know, that stuff will kill you."

A good line that made me laugh. This movie is actually turning out to be enjoyable. If you readers out there are expecting me to play in traffic to help cope with the badness of this film. THINK AGAIN! I think I just might prance in a field of dandelions instead!

Yes. That just happened.

Joe: I wrote a book where one of the characters tried to lose weight by Prancercizing.

Talon: This isn't your writing blog. It's my movie blog.

Joe: I like movies.

Talon: In another lab. A scientist is experimenting what the mildew will do on rats. While holding a tube of green particles, and a rat, the boss watching through a camera sends a signal that makes the rat bite the scientist to drop the mildew. The awesome soundtrack cues right when the vial breaks. Adding to the dramatic effect of the disease spreading.

Roger goes to check on the guy, but quickly leaves the room when he sees the morphed, monstrous rats sucking the blood of the scientist's face.

And now for a pun moment.

Rats... I couldn't think of any.

Those rats aren't very mice.

So the camera stays with the bleeding victim, and military personal suddenly appear to Swiss cheese his body with machine gun bullets, and to stop the spread of the mildew by throwing gas.

Then there's an awesome shot where one of the rats explodes from out the scientist's face. The directors had no shortage of blood to use, so they really just bazooka launched it everywhere.

It's awesome.

And it's just another example on how everyone is eventually going to get infected... Or will they?


So while they discuss about the mildew, more specifically Dr. Matthew Kane, on how it leaves a green rash on people, the congressman notices a green wound forming on his hand. Concerned, he hides it away from his peers and scratches it. It pulsates and spreads. In a panic, he rushes to a sink and begins scrubbing away at it.

Dr. Matthew then specifies "And when the spores land on a moist surface, they begin to grow. No moisture, no danger."

The mold is absolutely massive on the congressman now. Spreading on his cheeks, and turning his hands to double their size in what looks like green, packed, wet, blended oatmeal.

It doesn't take too long before his entire face turns into swollen mush. And the blood sprays and streams out his eyes and mouth. Green mildew goop splatters on his shoes. The guy is being digested second by the second, and the only thing that seems to cope his pain is by prying off chunks of scalp with his meaty fingers and by horribly screaming. Not too soon, he's in a green and red chunky soup puddle of himself after his face morphs, forming some weird, alien looking thing.

The others watch in horror. And some guy throws up. Conveniently on passed-out Dave.

Roger is now taking the hero role, and trying to find a isotope that can combat against the mold. He also explains that no one can leave the lab building because they have a duty of not infecting the world with this plague. Then he explains to the gang on how being infected works.

"The dehumidifier should contain the mold from becoming an airborne threat. So, for godsake, no one touch the congressman."

Earlier on Sargent Brisco had shaken hands with the congressman, so now he's also been infected with the mold. Which is pretty damn cool since now Brisco knows exactly what is going to happen to him.

The scene ends and we're in Toxic's POV. He's here to stop the mildew from becoming a weapon. So his main goal is to be a bad-ass soldier, or at least that what the Directors portrayed him as. All Toxic does is talk trash to the soldiers running the lab and then kill them in various ways. Like throwing a chef knife. Punching them. Shooting them. It's not amazing, but its fun. And that's all that truly matters...

Joe: Allow me to interject here for a moment and talk a little about Necrostorm, the studio behind this awesomeness. Their first movie was called ADAM CHAMPLIN, and it's one of the craziest, bloodiest, most insane movies ever made. They're independent, and use crowdfunding to help make their movies, and someone needs to give them a 30 million dollar budget immediately.

Talon: Back to Brisco. He's freaking out about his green hand, so he fires up a frying pan and sizzles his palm.

Joe: I wrote a story about a guy who puts his hand on a burner.

Talon: Scroll up and read the name of this blog.

Joe: Best Worst Movies Ever. I like movies.

Talon: The hand cooking seems to be effective, until Julia explains how the infection went inside his body instead of outwards. So they put him in a separate room.

Fun fact. The movie cover is Sergeant Brisco when he's infected.

Another fun fact. I'm not wearing any pants.

Another fun fact. Somewhere around the world, people are dying.

Joe: That fact wasn't fun at all!

Talon: It's true. People die.

Joe: I meant the one about your pants.

Talon: So Dave wakes up and leaves the lab and flees to another room to have a telecom with the boss. He was involved with infecting everyone in the lab so he can retire early or some other plot twist that I didn't pay attention to. I can't give you all the spoilers...

Roger and Julia go outside the lab to find a treatment for the mildew. Then the sprinklers go off, causing the mildew to spread in the hallways at a rapid pace. Roger and Julia take off their bio suits and rush back to the safe lab.

Dave tries to enter the boss's office but gets his spine ripped out by the mildew monster Toxic was fighting earlier. Zombie Brisco drags Dave to the safe lab because his Colonel told him too. Even infected he's still a dedicated soldier. Then the Colonel interrogates paralyzed Dave by asking him questions and then torturing him. Which is pretty funny because Dave can't feel anything.

Then they find a treatment and its some sort of acid. Roger ends up spraying it on his eyes and it causes him to go blind.

And to wrap it all up. Dave dies. Roger, Julia, Colonel, and Brisco find the boss's room. Break in. Kill the mildew monster. Kill the boss. Colonel dies, and Julia and Roger escape with Toxic.

Then all of Bentan Labs blows up, but not before leaving things open for a sequel.

The end.

Pretty epic if you ask me.

First Impressions:

Talon: I had no idea what to expect which such a tittle. Hmm. Maybe a mildew. From a planet. Called Xonader?

Besides that, the film was actually a lot of fun. Considering I wasn't expecting much. Watching it for a second time was just as fun, too. There's nothing wrong with this movie.

It was low-budget with great gore and splatter moments. Had good jokes. A solid plot. Fun characters. Awesome soundtrack. Tough bad guys.

It wasn't a bad movie at all.

Definitely not something that should be a cult hit for being terrible, or for being one of the worst films ever made. I've seen some bad movies. Some so bad, they've taken years off my young life. My driver's license says I'm 19, but I'm really 56.

It's been a hard road. My doctor says I'm depressed.

Joe: You should try drugs.

THE MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER is one of the Best Worst Movies. It's a fun cult film, drenched in gore, funny as hell, and a great way to kill ninety minutes with your like-minded buddies. You know, the ones your wife hates.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my Dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Epic gore is epic!"

"The congressman is awesome."
"I wish my congressman did blow off a bathroom sink."

"Wait, wouldn't mildew cleaner solve this alien mildew problem?"
"This movie is still cool."

"This is bloodier than Mortal Kombat."

"This was considered one of the worst movies ever?"
"No way."
"No way."

"I think we say epic and awesome too much."
"Cause it's epicly awesome."

 Best Worst Scene

Talon: When the rat exploded out a scientist's face.  I was so geeked out that I got acne and giant glasses.

Joe: The rat scene. It's insane.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes. If you're a gorehound. Give this a shot.

Joe: Yes. You don't even need any alcohol. Though a few beers might make it even more fun.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. Watch it with your gorehound friends.

Joe: Any guy who likes insane violence will like this. So any guy will like this.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes. I've seen it twice with my gorehound friends.

Joe: Yes. I'll play this every few years, as part of a triple feature with TOXIC AVENGER and STREET TRASH.

Talon: Did you see MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Should we do more good movie reviews? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, it stole footage from Star Wars, and it was only released in Turkey... it's TURKISH STAR WARS!


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