Sunday, March 26, 2017

Birdemic 2 (2013)

BIRDEMIC directed by James Nguyen

Ranked 1.7/10 on IMDB


Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Is this real life? Someone slap me silly because it seems like BIRDEMIC has a sequel. 

And it has the same cast?

The same director?

The SAME budget?

And, oh my god! Damien Carter is back! Hell yeah!

Directed by James Nguyen, a fifty year old Vietnamese man who believes BIRDEMIC was a hit because of its great plot, solid acting, and good special effects.  

I agree with James...

He really does say he's fifty years old. 

What a legend. 

Joe: They broke the mold when they made James. Then hunted down and shot the folks who made the mold. He will never be replicated.

Talon: Main Cast includes:

Alan Barg as Rod. In the first one he was a software salesman and a bad actor. In this one, he's a Silicon Valley entrepreneur and still a bad actor. What has Rod created to change the world? Is it something to do with stopping global warming?


He's just rich because the script said so. 

I wish that could happen to me. Wait... Duh! I'll just write it down. 

Talon Konrath is universally famous and a trillionaire. He also has a 58 inch penis. 

WOW! It really worked!

Joe: Talon! You've been bitten by an anaconda in your groinal area!

Oh, wait. That's just your 58 inch penis.

Hey, can I borrow some money?

Talon: No.

Whitney Moore as Nathalie. She's Rod's wife, and the only good actor in the movie.

Joe: I dunno who reps her, but based on her talent and screen presence, she should be getting major roles.

The rest of the cast... not so much. But lest I sound like a hater, BIRDEMIC 2 does, indeed, have the perfect ensemble cast, and everyone is great in their roles.

If that sounds contradictory, it's because you're a very smart idiot.

Talon: Being a smart idiot is contradictory. Wait... I see what you did there.

Joe: Your penis just ate a capybara.

Talon: Thomas Favaloro as Bill. He's an independent film director looking for female leads in his new movie, Sunset Dreams, a title that doesn't even make sense. Bill also spends a lot of time info-dumping about how he thinks Hollywood works and telling women they have talent and beauty. He's anything but a director. 

Joe: Says the guy who has never directed anything.

Talon: Hey! I have a YouTube channel. I've directed a few short things.

Joe: Your point?

Talon: I think you're talented and beautiful.

Joe: Hollywood is going to love you.

Talon: If you want to create a drinking game, drink every time Bill says talent or beauty. You'll fill your stomach up to your esophagus with booze.   

Chelsea Tunbo as Gloria. She's a struggling actress, and Bill's waitress. Then she becomes the star in Sunset Dreams because plot.

Joe: She was born to be a star, all that talent and beauty.

Talon: And Damien Carter as Damien Carter. In the last film, he was just hanging out. Hanging out. Hanging with his family. Having himself a party. This film, he has another great song. And yes. The whole cast dances to it for a full three minutes.

It's actually awesome. How can you not have a good time around Damien Carter? 

I found the link for it HERE.

Do yourself a favor and listen to it. And then dance like you've never danced before. 

The plot of BIRDEMIC 2 kicks off with a stunning scene. I haven't seen anything so creative before. We watch an entire five minutes of Bill walking unnaturally slow on the sidewalk in L.A. to an endless credit sequence, bad footstep dubbing, and and annoying looping soundtrack.

Joe: The actor has the easiest job in the world and he's still terrible. 

Talon: Hold on a second...

I think I'm having deja vu.

I think I'm having deja vu.

I think I'm having deja vu.

Wait, I'm think...


Only Rod is sitting in traffic in his infamous blue Mustang that gets 100 mpg!

Joe: Nguyen knew he shouldn't mess with a formula that worked, so he used the same story beats as with part 1. You don't reinvent the wheel, man.

Talon: Bill finally makes it to The Happy Ending Bar and Restaurant. Gets seated, and then we're watching him order food. 

Then, another establishing shot of The Happy Ending Bar and Restaurant.   

And I wonder what happens next?

In the first one, Rod thought he recognized Nathalie.  

This one? Yep. Same thing. Bill thinks he recognizes Gloria. They talk about stuff, Bill weirdly checks her out, Gloria says she's an actress, Bill weirdly comes on to her, blah blah blah. Then, a third establishing shot of The Happy Ending Bar and Restaurant and Rod and Nathalie make their appearance. 

Why are Rod and Nathalie there?

Because plot.

So after Rod and Nathalie greet Bill. The two bad actors end up having most of the dialog while Nathalie patiently sits there. Bill talks about Sunset Dreams. Great, now we're watching a bad movie about someone who is talking about directing a bad movie. Then they trash talk Hollywood because it's all about indie directors making their way to the top.

Ahh. I see what you're doing James Nguyen. You're an indie director who wants to make it to the top.

Aw, I could just pinch his little cheeks.

Joe: Don't condescend to All Mighty King Nguyen.

Your penis just ate caiman.

Talon: Then they talk more about Hollywood, and Nathalie lands a role in Sunset Dreams after Rod gives Bill a check for one million dollars.

Looks like Bill caught the big fish today!

I'm glad Rod and Nathalie decided to show up to that restaurant and sit with Bill there, otherwise this movie wouldn't exist.

The scenes ends and then, uh oh! Bill is watching foreshadowing news.

Around this time in the first movie. Rod was watching foreshadowing news.

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

Instead of the female reporter talking about birds spontaneously dying on the highway, red rain is the new culprit. It's bad and scary because it's red.

Next scene, Bill runs into Gloria the aspiring actress on the sidewalk. Similar to Rod chasing Nathalie in the first film. And right when she was about to leave California. How convenient! Then, using his magical powers of calling her beautiful and talented (and offering her a 1000 dollars) Bill has another lead role for his movie.

Kill me now. With a poisonous stick. And fire. While being tortured.

Then Rod and Bill go to Hollywood producers to get an investment of one million dollars.


So much for being indie. And so much for Rod's one million dollars.

Joe: Sunset Dreams was too big a project for only one million. They needed two million to bring all the Sturm und Drang to the screen.

Google it.

Talon: More bad acting, bad plot, bad writing, bad cinematography, bad badness, later. Bill's waitress, Gloria, is now the lead role in Sunset Dreams. They go on a date and talk the same things about Hollywood they've discussed earlier.

Only twenty minutes in and I want to swallow a handful of rusty fishing hooks to distract from my cluster headache.

Ready for some gripping dialog?

Gloria and Bill are still on their date at some Vietnamese restaurant. The ambient music is way too loud to hear them, except for sporadic infodumping.

Gloria nodding her head: "Wow, thank you so much for helping me with my movie career. And thank you so much for not letting me get on that bus."

Bill: "Well I had to! After seeing thousands of head shots and hundreds of auditions. Then I saw you. Talent. Beauty and grace all mixed into one. I'm gonna help make you a movie star.

Gloria: "What can I do to ever repay you for ever helping me out with my movie career?"

Bill creepily smiles. "Oh, a lot!"

Gloria: "Like what?"

BANG! Que montage of Bill driving Gloria in his convertible to a generic 80's workout song.

Alright, alright, I'll admit it. I wasn't impressed at all.

So after a couple minutes of them driving, which I was hoping a movie called BIRDEMIC had more of, they end up at a carnival by the beach. They walk around while blurred-out people and blurred-out advertisements appear in the background.

Joe: The perils of filming without permits and signed releases.

I freaking LOVE this movie.

Talon: After that very epic important side plot that had no conclusion whatsoever, we're back to the main story. The couple head to the beach and surprise, they run into Rod and Nathalie. At this point, James Nguyen is either completely incapable of logic, or he's a brilliant mastermind using clever plot devices and hints that our heroes aren't human. They're aliens capable of telepathy. It's perfect, because it explains the bad acting and the inability to behave like a normal human beings.

Then, seriously, the most epic scene I have ever witnessed in my entire existence. I've yet to fully understand its purpose.

The camera abruptly cuts to half a women's legs fake swimming in front of a green screen. It looks so bad you can't help but laugh at it. Suspenseful music builds, and I have no idea what's about to happen.


And by attacking, it just floats around the fake swimming legs.

I squirted milk out my nose. And I wasn't even drinking milk. Is this Birdemic or Jellyfishdemic?

The scene ends and a blonde gets outta of the water and encounters Rod, Bill, and Gloria. Nathalie disappeared somewhere. Hopefully off auditioning for something good.

The poor attacked swimmer lays on the beach, in pain. Gloria is by her side.

Swimmer: "Help. Help. Something stung me."

Gloria: "What stung you? What stung you?"

Swimmer: "Something stung me."

Bill: "What stung you?"

Swimmer: "A jellyfish."

Gloria: "A jellyfish?"

Swimmer: "Yes! A giant jumbo jellyfish."

Rod: "Call 911."

Gloria calls. "Hello my friend needs help."

Operator: "What happened to her?"

Gloria: "I don't know. Something about a giant jumbo jellyfish."

Then she gets taken away in a CGI ambulance.

Joe: I'm a pretty good writer. I couldn't write better than this.

Talon: Agreed.

Joe: Hey now!

Talon: My brain can't even process what happened.

Now the gang walks into a museum. Then the kid Rod saved from the first one is suddenly with them and they're looking at bird fossils.

Uh oh, the director is foreshadowing again...

Then the kid says, "I wish my sister could be here to see this bird skeleton, but she got a disease from the bird my mom cooked."


I'll just pretend I never heard that.

Then we meet a professor who infodumps about bird fossils and cavemen being trapped in a tar pit. After the caveman flashback(!) where they got attacked by CGI birds while they were humping, the professor proudly goes back to his infodump.

I don't know what's worse. Writing about Birdemic or watching Birdemic. Seriously. You wonder why it's been two weeks since our last blog post? BIRDEMIC 2 IS WHY!  I DON'T HAVE MUCH MORE TO GIVE. ALL IT DOES IS TAKE AND TAKE AND TAKE.

Pardon my mental breakdown. That's something you should expect to deal with whenever you're viewing anything by James Nguyen.

Joe: He's got two more movies. I own them both. We'll watch them soon.

Talon: Back to the movie, where we have a solid fifty minutes to go. They're at diner and the only funny line worth writing about is when Nathalie says:

"Hey guys. By coincidence my mom is staying here at Catalina Islands. Do you mind if she stops by?"

Rod: "No, I love your mother."

Nathalie's mom appears.

"Oh hey mom."


I'm telling you this alien telepathy thing must be real.

Next? Oh hells yeah its a Damien Carter song. The guy is so amazing his own voice produces back up vocals. The song is awesome, and the dancing is awesome. Nuff said.

Listen to it again HERE.

Alright, I think it's time to sum the rest of the movie up in a paragraph. Take a deep breath. Ready?

Bill and Gloria get it on at a motel. The red rain falls and all the birds and cavemen are resurrected. Who could've predicted this horrific event? The birds attack on the set of Sunset Dreams. Clothes hangers are the human's only defense. Security comes in and fires exactly 70 shots from two handguns without ever reloading. There's boobs. Next, they rescue two people. Will the screenwriter and Jessica. Now they're at the Jaws set at Universal studios and they all break the forth wall about creating a franchise movie hit about birds killing people.

Ok. Stop. When they did that. I lost my shit.

Alright we're back. They find an RV and film it driving for about ten minutes before any conflict happens, and someone's black hair is on the lens the whole time. They decide to take a shortcut through a cemetery and zombies attack them.

WTF? Yes. Zombies attack them, and Jessica dies.

It was actually kinda cool.

The movie also had multiple moments where they check a dead person's heart beat. Then Rod says, "She's dead. Let's go."

Will dies. "He's dead. Let's go."

They meet the same hippie from the first movie, who lectures us about being greener in the world. They all drink sodas which magically change next shot. And finally the birds leave.

Slowly fading into the distance.

Very slowly fading into the distance.

Very very very slowly fading into the distance.

Very very very very very very very very slowly fading into the distance.

The end.


First Impressions: 

Talon: Unlike the rest of my bad movie experiences, where I'm innocently stumbling upon a film that makes me want to die instantly, this one I purposely wanted to see, and it still made me want to die instantly. I had to shut it off and finish it another day. Around 40 minutes in, the heroes broke the fourth wall and began discussing making a BIRDEMIC movie while they're being attacked by CGI beaks with wings. It was just too good for me to handle. I needed to pause it and savor how this movie went from a 10 to an 11.

I've also noticed this had the same outline as the first BIRDEMIC. Here's some examples. They replaced Rod's pointless traffic driving with Bill's pointless traffic walking. Rod mis-remembers Nathalie. Bill mis-remembers Gloria. Both had a foreshadowing news event around the same time. Both talked about subjects they knew nothing about: First one, global warming. Second one, Hollywood. Rod and Nathalie went to the fair around the same time Bill and Gloria went to a fair.

The first one had no scene comparable to the giant jumbo jelly fish, though. Which was the greatest monster attack scene since Alien. Since Jaws. Since Tremors.

Joe: Since the Care Bears Movie.

Talon: Seriously, if I were swimming in the ocean and I saw that CGI giant jumbo jellyfish and it bounced off me like it did in the movie... I'd probably just get out of the water and be fine.

But c'mon, when my virgin eyes viewed that life-changing scene, I knew this was one of the best worst movies ever. A game changer for cinema history.

Birdemic? Or Giant Jumbo Jellyfishdemic?

You decide.

Joe: Giant Jumbo Jellyfishdemic? Just take my money. Take it all.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"There's a hotel up there. Maybe they have some gas?"

"She's dead, let's go."
"He's dead, let's go."

"They're fighting zombies?!"
"Birdemic? Jellyfishdemic? Zombiedemic?"
"That's the trifecta."

"The camera's person's hair is in the shot."
"They should have cut that hair."
"Was that a pun?"
"Yes. Yes it was."

"Cool. I was hoping they drove a while longer."

"I swear this is worse than the first one."
"That takes commitment."

"Twenty-four minutes in and nothing has happened."

"Has the director ever seen a movie? Or a gun?"

"She's dead, let's go."

"Clothes hangers are the birds Kryptonite."

"Whenever sex in a motel happens, you know the birds are about to attack."

"He's dead let's go."

"Oh no. The director is foreshadowing again."

"At least it has some gratuitous nudity."

"Wow this movie was terrible."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: Definitely when the giant jumbo jelly fish attacked.

Joe: The ending. It is even less of a climax than the first film, which is staggering.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, it's an exercise in frustration, but there's a lot of hilarious moments.

Joe: Yes. I suggest two espressos, four beers, two shots, and Vicodin. Lots.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes. Anyone who can tolerate this with you is a friend for life.

Joe: Yes. Everyone needs to watch this. Don't worry if you haven't seen Part 1; the director is so good he brings you up to speed immediately.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: I've seen it twice. IT'S EPIC.

Joe: Yes. Four times so far. It has become my new hobby.

Talon: Did you see BIRDEMIC 2? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Did you wait too long for this blog post? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, it has
mildew, its from a planet, its cheap as hell but actually a decent movie, it's THE MILDEW FROM PLANET XONADER!


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