Saturday, January 21, 2017

Deadly Weapons (1974)

DEADLY WEAPONS directed by Doris Wishman

Ranked 3.3/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: This is going to be a long, and very tough plot explanation. There are so many twists, building conflict, and a theme that only Shakespeare himself can explain....

Joe: It's a movie about a stripper who kills men with her gigantic boobs.

Talon: Didn't that happen in Hamlet?

Joe: No. It was King Lear. With an emphasis on the leer.

Talon: I knew it was the bard. As I was saying, DEADLY WEAPONS is more sophisticated and more well-executed than anything I've ever watched in my life.

Directed by Doris Wishman, famous for creating several early sexplotation films.

Main Cast includes:

Chesty Morgan as Crystal. An advertising executive?

And 70's porn star Harry Reems, and his mustache, as Tony.

We start off the 74 minute run time strong with the only two jiggling watermelon-sized great reasons to watch this film.

Already it's better than JAWS 4.

Joe: Chesty Morgan, who is still alive and probably hobbled by back problems, had a 73 inch bust. They were natural, which is easy to determine in the film because; gravity.

Talon: When that first scene ends, the movie becomes terrible. Both technically and artistically. Actors' lips don't match the dubbing. The music is repetitive and awful. Bad editing. Non-existent cinematography. A non-existent script. Wooden acting.

Joe: The sets and costumes are among the ugliest of all time. Part of that was the 1970s. But I'm betting a lot of it was due to low budgets and just not caring.

Talon: Couches covered with plastic. Shag carpeting. Tacky clothing, mile-high platform shoes. Terrible wigs. That bar set was about as convincing as the drugstore set in ZAAT.

And the filming itself. Doris Wishman simply cannot shoot a man running down the stairs away from mobsters.

But! She can and does shoot a lot of Chesty Morgan doing normal human tasks. Like looking in the mirror naked with her arms raised above her head. Taking baths that mostly involve washing her boobs. Rubbing her boobs in front of a kaleidoscope of mirrors.

Joe: At least the movie is in focus. Mostly.

This movie is just... awful. Whether or not you consider it unbearably awful or enjoyably awful will depend on how drunk you are.

Talon: Other than Chesty Morgan rubbing and fondling her chest in the most un-erotic way for half the movie, here's the full plot of DEADLY WEAPONS. Remember, pay attention to my choice of words, and if you need a notepad to keep track of things please do so.

Chesty's boyfriend gets killed by stock footage of a revolver firing. On her quest for revenge she becomes a stripper, seduces the killers, drugs them, and kills them by smothering them with her eponymous deadly weapons.

Then she finds out her father killed her boyfriend and they both kill each other with the same stock footage of a revolver being fired.

The end.

So yeah, Shakespeare stuff.

First Impressions:

Talon:  So Joe shoved a movie into the DVD player, and I went in with zero expectations... as usual. Just an innocent 19 year old watching a movie with his family. I saw the disc title and that brought up an array of thoughts. Hmm, is it super grenades? Nuclear warfare? A kung-fu movie about a martial art nun-chuck wielding master? Politicians?

I didn't know the actors, or whether it was going to be a bad or great movie, because my father does occasionally watch good films.

So I roll with it, and am greeted by a woman with the biggest boobs I've ever seen, shaking them for the camera for a hilarious three minutes.

Joe: I think it was only about thirty seconds.

Talon: It felt like three minutes. It wasn't sexy at all. It was mostly awkward.

And that's why this movie is the best worst movie ever.

It could've ended there and I would've been happy with saying it was better than James Cameron's TERMINATOR.

Unfortunately, DEADLY WEAPONS didn't end there. It tried to be a movie. And failed.

Then it won my heart again, when Chesty suffocated the mobsters with her boobs. Well, I wouldn't call it suffocating. The actor looked like he was enjoying it, but after two minutes of grunting and wiggling, enough was enough, so he went back to being an actor and pretended to die.

So it was sitting through 70 minutes of the most boring movie ever to watch 4 minutes of dubious entertainment.

Joe: I had to use forks to keep my eyes open, this was so boring.

JAWS IV, or HOWARD THE DUCK, are bad movies, but they're professional Hollywood productions with big budgets and huge crews. There is a minimal level of competence there.

DEADLY WEAPONS, like a lot of other infamous low budget indie films, is barely competent. It's an endurance test. Like watching Grandpa's Super 8 home movies, if Grandpa spent a lot of time in 70s burlesque joints with bad actors.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Her boobs are bigger than our basset hound." (our basset hound, Harry, weighs 90 pounds)

"The camera man had the best job ever."

"What happens when she gets old?"
"You know how boats have anchors."

"Story by... There's a story?"

"Least erotic bubble bath in cinema history."

"Is that spiky clock the deadly weapon of the movie?"
"No. That's 1970s decor."

"She used an entire suitcase to pack one bra."
"It was a big bra."

"I'm beginning to think this movie isn't very good."

"Look at that bar. It's totally someone's basement."

"How to Spy on People 101, sit right next to them."

"She has pills in her cleavage?"
"Talk about a medicine chest."
"I also could have made a drug bust joke."

"How long is this?"
"Too long!"

"You can tell she's having a flashback because Vaseline is blurring the edges of the film frame."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: When she gets her hotel room. and calls front desk to ask if the mobster was there. When told no, she waits thirty seconds, calls again, and is again told no.

Joe: When Chesty's loser boyfriend is killed while he's on the phone with her. It has to be seen to be believed. The dialog is priceless.

Watch it?

Talon: Yes, the two minutes of laughter was worth it to me.

Joe: Yes. But you'll need three espressos to stay awake, and three beers and a shot for the pain.

There will never be another movie like this. Except for the unofficial sequel, DOUBLE AGENT 73. Which we'll watch eventually.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes, but don't tell your friends anything about it. Surprise them. It'll be funnier.

Joe: Yes. I can think of two reasons.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes. I've never seen anything like it.

Joe: Yes. Though billed as a sexploitation film, this is surprisingly innocent and harmless in a naive way.

Talon: Did you see DEADLY WEAPON? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? Can your boobs kill people? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, a mullet versus mullet action film, and a completely different deadly... DEADLY PREY!

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