Saturday, January 14, 2017

Dangerous Men (1979-2005)

DANGEROUS MEN directed by John S. Rad

Ranked 5.1/10 on IMDB

Warning: Spoilers!
--does anyone truly care?

Quick Synopsis:

Talon: Oh hell yeah!

John S. Rad isn't human.

John S. Rad is his own category. He's some kind of mix of harnessed supernovas, Zeus, Chuck Norris, and Superman.

John's the director, producer, writer, composer, and editor!

This is some John Carpenter shit.

I mean c'mon!

Joe: Sadly, John S. Rad isn't his real name. It's Jahangir Salehi Yeganehrad. And DANGEROUS MEN, his magnum opus, took twenty-six years to complete from start to finish.

Twenty-six freaking years.

And, believe me, all nine thousand four hundred and ninety days of effort are there, on the screen. You feel every single one of them.

Talon: Here's the main stars who were obviously blessed by a higher being (John S. Rad) to take part of this joyful film.

Melody Wiggins as Mina.

Coti Cook as Daniel.  Just your average white guy in jeans.

Mina and Daniel are married. This is important.

It's not really.

George Derby as Tiger. A name so bad-ass that from now on my name isn't Talon.

Joe: I would have named you tiger, but that is your mother's sex-name for me.

Talon: And there go the few blog readers we have.

Josh Clure as Leo.

Tiger and Leo are bikers.

They're the bad guys.

Twenty-six years in the making we start off strong with stationary shots of Daniel and Mina walking along the beach. Tranquility turns bad as the bikers murder Daniel and attempt to rape Mina.

After some fake punch sound effects, rough shoulder grabbing, and struggling in the sand, one of the bikers, Leo, gets stabbed and killed by Mina.

Tiger, mourning over the loss, tries to leave the scene. But Mina insists on going with him on a date.

Of course. Tiger gladly accepts.

Plot twist. She murders him in a hotel room with a butter knife she stole from dinner.

But that was after we watch Tiger strip down to his whitey tighties and lick her belly button for a full five minutes.

Tiger's underwear shocked me more than when she brutally stabbed him to death by not really stabbing him.

It was so gross I got an anti-erection.

Joe: You forgot the part about the knife.

Mina had hidden the knife in her butt crack so Tiger didn't see it.

That was one of those moments where you go, "Wha?" and rewind it to make sure you saw what you thought you saw.

It's also the moment where I recognized John S. Rad as the greatest filmmaker of all time.

Talon: So Mina flees and gets picked up by a hitch hiker who tries to rape her.

The only surprise here was how much she aged.

Oh, right. Twenty-six years in the making. In some scenes you can actually see the types of cars change in the background, and the styles of clothing change from bell bottoms to parachute pants.

But, you won't see the bad movie change to a good one.

Eventually the police want her for murdering people, so she meets with a prostitute to discuss what her job is like.

After slamming my face in a pile of rocks to ease the pain throughout the rest of the film, we get to one of the best-worst scenes ever created.

So Mina teamed up with Police Detective, (Michael Gradilone) to set up a master plan. Yes, his name is Police Detective.

She sexually displays herself on a hood of a car on the side of a highway, while Police Detective waits in the back seat.

Bikers stroll by, and the same bald guy who got killed by her earlier, Tiger, couldn't resist his urge to comeback to life and rape women. So he pulls over and attempts to rape her.

Joe: That's actually not Tiger. It's Leo. He just looks almost identical to Tiger.

Talon: Oh.

Joe: I hope that didn't ruin the movie for you.

Talon: Not at all.

Joe: Please continue.

Talon: Sly Police Detective, waiting in ambush, is ready to spring out and save the day when suddenly his shoe gets stuck under the seat!

Have to admit, this never happened to me ever in my life.

Joe: Getting your foot stuck under a car seat is actually the leading cause of death in twenty-eight countries.

Talon: The suspense is breath taking. Comparable to dangling on the edge of a cliff. As, Leo, is almost, not really, about to not really rape Mina, again, we cut back to endless shots of a wiggling, not-really-stuck foot.

Finally, Police Detective thinks of a technique only taught in police academy; sliding his foot from under the seat.

And the start of an amazing epic fight scene begins.

You ready?

So Police Detective shoots Leo point blank three times and misses, then he defeats leo by squeezing his head until he passes out.

I know, I know. Incredible.

But, that fight scene was lame compared to this next one.

So Police Detective goes to Black Pepper's house, the biker gang leader, we know he's the leader because Tiger tells him.

Joe: Black Pepper is a white guy with a bleached blonde surfer mullet and a Rambo headband.

I should have named you Black Pepper.

Talon: The police chief, who is Stan Lee's doppelganger, meets Police Detective there.

Joe: I wonder if it actually is Stan Lee. Dude cameos in everything.

Talon: So, naturally, Black Pepper makes out with a girl's belly button. Then he flees and gets chased by Police Detective.

With nowhere to run, Black Pepper dukes it out with Police Detective.

I'll write exactly how the scene went.

Police Detective: Punch.

Black Pepper: Punch.

Black Pepper: Owh.

Police Detective: Punch. Owh.

(The "Owhs" are the same dubbed sound effect for both of them.)

Police Detective: Owh.

Police Detective: Owh.

Black Pepper: Owh.

Black Pepper: Punch Punch.

The Detective can't handle anymore fake punches so he passes out.

And Stan Lee's doppelganger, eventually arrests Pepper after he tries to rape a blind women.

The end.

First Impressions: 

Talon: These men are clearly dangerous. Taking that many punches to the face like Police Detective did would've left me in a coma.

Joe: Watching this movie almost left me in a coma.

Talon: I'm also confounded and emotionally confused that this took twenty-six years to make. Every scene I reminded myself of that, and it brought me to a state somewhere between depression and hysteria. I laughed at the wrong moments. I screamed at the television to spare me. Thoughts of throwing away the DVD came into mind, but that would take up too much space in the garbage.

Beyond the mental agony and brain scarring I endured, the fight scenes were worth seeing. My mouth turned dry from laughing so much.

But I don't want to see Tiger or Black Pepper make out with belly buttons ever again.

Joe: I probably shouldn't have watched a movie with such a high level of sloppy eroticism with my son.

I liked more than just the fight scenes. The whole film was so kludgey, so irreverent, it was like watching a drug induced dream.

Talon: Here's some of the dialog my dad and I had while viewing. Try to imagine some of our phrases as catchy slogans:

"Here comes the rape again. That an Eurythmics reference."

"How did the police cars change shape?"
"Twenty-six years of footage."

"Dangerous men... aren't really that dangerous."

"Is that the same guy? Holy shit he aged!"

"I'd be a prostitute too if men were always trying to rape me."
"Makes a warped kind of sense."

"I'm bleaching my hair and growing a mullet."

"Did you notice that no one from the beginning of the film made it to the end of the film?"

"John S. Rad is a god."

Best Worst Scene

Talon: The fight scene towards the end.

Joe: Agreed. We rewatched that scene five times, and it just keeps getting more and more awesome.

So, after that life-changing experience, here's our trademark.

Watch it? 

Talon: Yes, John S. Rad will blow your mind.

Joe: Yes. This is one of the greatest films in the history of cinema. But you'll need two espressos to stay awake, and three beers and a shot for the pain.

Share it? 

Talon: Yes, I'll recommend it to anyone who enjoys belly-button foreplay.

Joe: Yes. This needs to be made into a TV series.

Re-watch it? 

Talon: Yes, whenever I'm feeling bad about myself I can throw this on.

Joe: Yes. I may watch it again right now.

Talon: Did you see DANGEROUS MEN? Do you have any best worst movies to recommend? What have you done that took twenty-six years? Post in the comments!


Talon will now spout off five reasons you should watch the next movie we're blogging about, Elaine May's box office bomb, ISHTAR!


  1. Pompeii with Kit Harrington. Still waiting for my brain matter to regenerate...